Categories
Cakes Classic Favorites Fancy Pantsy

Do Not Yell Fire In A Crowded Theatre. Do Yell Fire When You Set Your Cake Aflame.

Yeah…so we’ll get to that.

Originally my next post was going to be about buttermilk panna cotta. It’s easy, delicious and because I’m cray cray I like to write about things just after I’ve made them. I think it’s because I’m afraid that if I skip the panna cotta post and go directly to writing about the thing I made after it the panna cotta will re-form in my fridge, let itself out and coagulate all over my sleeping body. That is creepy, crazy, weird and disgusting and I deeply apologize.

I think I sort of just forgot about the panna cotta since I made it so long ago and have been slacking on posts. Then, a few weeks later during an adventurous trip to Duane Reade (we all have those, don’t we New Yorkers?), I decided to purchase some seasonal mistakes called Pumpkin Hershey’s Kisses. They were, as I sort of suspected, horrible. I keep a chocolate drawer at work, and pretty much everyone who opens it to grab something sweet gives these things the evil side eye and walks away. The drawer glowed orange until I decided to take these things home and try to work with them in thumbprint cookies. The result is below (please shield your eyes/the eyes of your children if you’re prudish or too young for this):

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Boob cookies. I had accidentally made boob cookies. And once I realized what my baked treats were beginning to look like, I tried to add some variety by shoving mini-Snickers bars onto some cookies and averting my eyes very quickly and quietly. No matter, as the cookies still came out looking….like they looked. They also kind of sucked. No pun intended. Oh dear.

Whew. Well. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s move on to our star dessert, shall we? So this past Sunday was my birthday, and since I am kind of nerdy and like to bake things that I probably have no business baking, I decided to tackle making my own birthday cake. This is not sad or pathetic, but is instead empowering, fun, and super dangerous (more on that later). Let us begin.

S’mores Cake (because we don’t play)

adapted from Serious Eats

For the cake

1 cup of unsalted butter, softened, plus more for greasing pan

2 1/4 cups of all-purpose flour

1/3 cup of cornstarch

2 teaspoons of cinnamon

4 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1 3/4 cups of superfine sugar

2 teaspoons of vanilla extract OR 2 teaspoons of coffee liqueur (I used the latter and highly recommend)

4 medium or 3 large eggs

1 1/4 cups of milk

For the Chocolate Ganache Filling

3 ounces of finely chopped dark chocolate

1/2 cup of heavy cream

3 teaspoons of light brown sugar

For the Swiss Meringue

2/3 cup of egg whites

2 cups of superfine sugar

Preheat your oven to 350ºF and grease and line three 8-inch round cake pans with parchment paper (or, if you don’t have these, you can use a 10-inch springform pan instead and end up spending more than twice as much time in front of your oven like I did. I would not recommend this). In a medium bowl, sift together your flour, cornstarch, cinnamon, baking powder and salt and set aside.

Place butter in a large bowl, and using an electric mixer on high speed, whip butter until smooth. Add in sugar and beat until light and fluffy, which should take about 5 minutes. Add vanilla if you want and if you have it. If you don’t, might I recommend this? :

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I have what can only be described as a deep appreciation for this yummy liqueur. It’s just beautiful, and will work wonders in this cake. Anyway, yeah, totally add this in if you have any on hand. Then, with your mixer at medium speed, add eggs one at a time, beating after each addition, until fully mixed.

Now, with mixer on low, alternate between adding in the flour mixture and adding in the milk, beginning and ending with the flour mixture. Pour evenly into pans and bake for 30 to 35 minutes, until the cake is golden brown and springs back lightly when touched. Cool the cakes in their pans for 10 minutes, then allow to cool completely on wire racks.

Now, let’s take a break from instructions for a hot second so I can tell you a little bit about my process. As I mentioned, I did not have enough pans to make a three-layer cake. So, genius that I am, I decided to use one very deep springform pan and divide the cake into layers myself once it baked. This basically tacked on about 45 extra minutes to my baking time, and freaked me out so immensely that I ran away from the cake and let my boyfriend do the separating.

I think it's pretty funny that he's basically treating this thing like a wheel of cheese. Also, this method will leave you with two layers, not three.
I think it’s pretty funny that he’s basically treating this thing like a wheel of cheese. Also, this method will leave you with two layers, not three.

Boyfriend also noticed that I was so stressed out about this cake– like a total freaking weirdo, I know– that I wasn’t breathing, and sent me away from the kitchen for a good twenty minutes. I don’t know why I told you that. I just did. Problems. They are mine.

Now, let’s work on that ganache, shall we? It’s very, very simple. Place chocolate in a small, heat-proof bowl and set aside. Place heavy cream and brown sugar in a small saucepan over medium heat and bring just to a boil. Remove from heat and immediately pour over chocolate. Let mixture stand for a couple of minutes, then gently stir everything together until the mixture becomes glossy. Chill until slightly thickened and cooled, but not set.

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Spread the ganache across the tops of all three layers. If you happen to have graham cracker crumbs or cookie crumbs from boob cookies you made and hated, I’d recommend sprinkling these on top of the ganache. Set aside and get ready to make some meringue.

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To make your meringue, place egg whites and sugar in a large heatproof bowl and set over a pan of simmering water. Whisk constantly until the sugar dissolves and the egg whites are warm. Remove from heat and, with an electric mixer, whip the egg whites until stiff peaks form. Once you’ve made your meringue, make sure to work quickly with it, as it begins to stiffen up pretty fast.

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To assemble, place one layer of cake down on a cake plate and spread the top with meringue. Stack the second layer on top, repeat, and finish with third layer. Then, spread meringue all over sides and top of cake until completely covered. No need to make this look pretty, since it probably already kind of does with all of the meringue-peaks.

Now, once you’ve covered the cake, you can lightly brown it using a blowtorch or try to set the whole friggin’ top of it on fire by using your oven’s broiler like I did.

Okay. Let me explain. So I’d decided to try using the broiler because I’d read multiple reputable sources stating that this was the best way to get an even, light browning all over a meringue. That’s probably true, only I somehow did not realize that setting the top of the cake so close to the broiler would result in the cake becoming a fire pit. And I was watching the damn thing through the oven window like a hawk. Fires happen quickly. 😦

Fortunately, my boyfriend and I salvaged the cake before any real damage was done. He began picking burnt pieces off of the top and eating them happily. I joined in because I was sad and had decided to eat all of my feelings. Mercifully not too much damage was done to the cake….even if it did end up with a face only its baker could love:

That thing on top should be an elephant, but what about this cake has been perfect thus far?
That thing on top should be an elephant, but what about this cake has been perfect thus far?

So yes, I was a bit down over having set my cake on fire. My mood, however, picked up a few hours later when my lovely BF surprised me with dinner and drinks with my sister and best friends, who all really loved this cake. And not, like, pity love. Like second and third helpings and doggie bags full of to-go pieces love.

Yes, yes I was slightly inebriated when I cut this cake.
Yes, yes I was slightly inebriated when I cut this cake.

I’m still picking at what I managed to save. And believe it or not, I think I may have found my favorite cake in this thing. All in all, a wonderful birthday. Thank you, lovely people ❤

Categories
Cakes Classic Favorites Cookies

I’ve Been a Puppet, a Pauper, a Pirate, uh, an Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Pie

I picked this because asi es la vida! Subtitulos Espanol!

First, I really want to thank everyone for the messages of concern, the hugs and, yes, even the “WTF WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!?!” scoldings after my last post. I’m totally fine, albeit still just the tiniest bit annoyed/shaken up, but it was really surprising and touching to realize how many people were concerned for me. Thanks for caring, homies! I love you, too!

So I’ve tried to stop airing out all my drama and problems on social media, because I’m private and it’s boring and I’d much rather use Facebook to ask for book recommendations and post delightfully nerdy stuff like this. But I guess this is kind of social media too, right? In my mind, since I am both a grump and currently a hermit, this blog is more anti-social media. That sort of justifies, for me at least, all the whining I do on this thing. Feel me? Hope so, because I’m feeling complain-y!

A couple of weeks ago, I went to Vermont, ignored all my many health problems, and climbed a friggin’ mountain. Ok, we hiked  the thing, but it was still pretty damn scary, especially toward the cold, windy top, where I almost lost a precious Mets cap and my balance. Notice how I mention the hat first. Priorities, kids.

Yes, that's me beneath the oversized hoodie and mess of curly craziness.
Yes, that’s me beneath the oversized hoodie and mess of curly craziness.

Anyway, I think I’ve mentioned about a bajillion and one times that I have moderate-to-severe asthma, and I think I’ve also maybe mentioned that sometimes I try to pretend I don’t and hike mountains. That’s how things like chest pains, panic attacks and altitude sickness happen, methinks.

Ok, only the chest pains occurred right after descent. The other two came in the days after our trip to the Green Mountain State. My very, very wise decision to go straight up and straight down the highest point in Vermont, combined with my lack of proper hydration and general moronic tendencies have led to a couple of weeks of dizziness, loopy-ness (more than usual, yes, thank you for asking) and sadness. I’ve been trying to get a doctor’s appointment just to make sure something didn’t fly into my ear on a peak and that I don’t literally have rocks for brains now, but my appointments keep getting cancelled by the office. The service I book through, however, has offered me an Amazon gift card for my troubles. Free monies guys! Priorities!

All of this sickness has been helped along by a really, really difficult week that’s left me wondering what…well, what the hell. I hate to be all me, me, me on this thing (that’s an invitation for any good news from you, readers… I’d love to celebrate some happy stuff on the blog!), but, well, life’s been tough on me lately. I mean, you can do everything possible to try to make your life a positive, happy, fulfilling one, and then something completely out of your control can come along and make you want to give all that positivity the finger. That’s life, right Mr. Sinatra?

Anyway, baking because sad, comforting recipe,easy deliciousness, on and on, you know the drill, please let’s just do this.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Pie (makes one 9-inch round pie)

adapted from Serious Eats

For the pie

3/4 cup of all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1/2 teaspoon of baking soda

1 1/2 cups of old-fashioned oats

1 stick of softened butter

1/2 cup of brown sugar

1/4 cup of granulated white sugar

1 egg

1 teaspoon of vanilla

1/2 cup of raisins

For the icing

1/3 cup of confectioners’ sugar

1 tablespoon + 1 teaspoon of heavy cream

Preheat your oven to 350ºF and grease either a 9-inch springform pan or pie plate.

In a medium bowl, sift together flour, cinnamon, salt, baking soda and oats, and set aside. In the bowl of a stand mixer or using a hand mixer, cream together butter and sugars until smooth. Beat in egg and vanilla, then add in dry ingredients and mix just until combined. Gently fold in raisins.

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Spread batter into pan and use a rubber spatula to flatten and even out the top as much as possible. Bake until the top is golden brown, about 20 to 25 minutes. Let pie cool in pan for 5 minutes before releasing. Let cool completely.

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Now, on to the super-easy icing. In a small bowl, stir together confectioners’ sugar and heavy cream until you reach the desired consistency. Drizzle atop the pie, in any fashion you’d like. I poured the icing into a small sandwich bag and snipped a corner off to drizzle, since I don’t trust the fashion I’d like.

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Pretty, right? It was also yum. AND I cut down the sugar quite a bit and it was STILL yum. I swear. I even got confirmation from two kids (who cannot tell a lie, I’ve been told). One exclaimed “I LOVE it” several times before going for extra helpings, and one announced “It’s bad,” in between large bites and before also going for a second helping. That’s life.

Categories
Classic Favorites Cookies

It’s Peanut Butter Cry Extensively Time.

Uh…a warning, friends and readers, readers and friends. The following few paragraphs are kind of sort of really depressing. Feel free to skip directly to the recipe if you’d like. I’ll still love you. ❤

So, awful things have happened in the last few days.

Last monsoon-disgusting Friday night, as I was walking home from the subway station, I noticed a disturbed man about fifty feet in front of me, screaming at no one in particular and thrashing about wildly. Guess what? The dude’s coat was the same color as mine, and since I happened to be walking in the same direction I guess I gave the impression that I was following him or mocking him or something, which did not endear me to him (not that I was looking for that but…whatever). And this one, rainy, horrible night, absolutely no one was around to help. There was not a soul walking or driving down the normally busy street in front of my apartment building. I was afraid that if I ran, he’d run after me. I was afraid if I screamed, he’d scream louder and drown me out. I was afraid if I pulled out my phone to call someone, he’d threaten to kill me. And guess what? The second a person did show up to help me and calm me down, the second I did pull out my phone to dial the cops, this man did threaten to kill me. He saw me with my phone from across the street, saw what I was doing, and threatened to kill me.  Every bad thing I’ve ever thought could ever happen to me was starting to happen, and I was paralyzed. I felt scared, defeated, stupid, embarrassed and angry all at once.

I saw him walk away, thought he had left, and made my way with helpful stranger in tow towards my building, where the man brushed right by me…and then disappeared around a corner. Just like that, it was all over, and I ran into my apartment shaking and crying and attempting to explain what had just happened in stutters and spurts to my boyfriend.

So now what I’m thinking is, I have this army-green coat that I never want to wear again, and maybe I don’t want to live in New York anymore, maybe I can’t live in New York anymore, maybe I’m too scared or too sensitive or too irritable or too something. And thinking all of that upsets me and breaks my heart a little bit.

photo(3)
A hilarious doodle by my friend Jeremy. This is meant to cheer those of you who who just read all that emo stuff up. Thanks, Jeremy!

Also, my landlord has decided to sell our apartment and has left us to deal with a rather snobby, pushy realtor who insists on inserting herself into our living space (and kicking us out) whenever she pleases in order to hold open houses or show nosy strangers around. So, there’s that.

I know I’m not usually so forthcoming. Actually, I’m typically kind of sketchy, no? I haven’t really told anyone but my boyfriend and my younger sister–and, uh, the cops–what happened, which makes it even stranger that I’d want to tell the world in a blog post. I also hope I don’t sound like I’m being dramatic at all. I know much worse happens every day and I know much worse could have happened that day. But I’m still kind of shaken up by it all, and I guess I consider myself a writer, and sometimes the only way to heal a wound is by doing something that you love. That means writing, and that means baking, specifically baking something comforting.

Believe it or not, even though peanut butter is my jam (ha…ha?), I have never made a peanut butter cookie. I have no idea how I have made it to this age without doing so, but now is the time to get cracking. Armed with a cookie book gifted to us by some awesome, awesome friends, I got to it. It’s peanut butter cookie time.

Peanut Butter Oatmeal Cookies (makes about 30 cookies)

adapted from a recipe in Carole Walter’s Great Cookies

1 cup of all-purpose flour

1/3 cup of quick-cooking or rolled oats

1/2 teaspoon of baking soda

1/2 teaspoon of baking powder

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1 cup natural peanut butter, crunchy or smooth (I used smooth because I was trying to get rid of a jar of it, but crunchy would likely rule your and my world if you let it)

1 stick of butter, softened

1 1/2 tablespoons of honey

1/3 cup of granulated sugar

1/3 cup of brown sugar

1 large egg

1 teaspoon of pure vanilla extract

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In a medium-sized bowl, sift together flour, oats, baking soda, baking powder and salt, and set aside. In the bowl of a stand mixer, or using a hand mixer, beat together peanut butter, butter, honey and sugars. When smooth, beat in egg until fully mixed. Stir in vanilla extract.

Fold in dry ingredients and mix just until combined, then send into your refrigerator for about an hour, or until the batter is completely chilled.

Scoop out tablespoon-sized balls onto your cookie sheets, about two inches apart. Then, with a fork, lightly flatten each ball, making a “crisscross” pattern.

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I know, I know, messy. Or as I like to call them, “rustic.”

Place cookie sheets in oven– one on top rack, one on bottom rack– for 11 to 13 minutes. To be honest, I would and did take them out around 11 minutes, since these especially tend to bake very quickly. Towards the end of baking, rotate the pans and switch racks to ensure even baking, and take out when the tops are very lightly browned.

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Let cool on pans for about a minute, then move to wire racks until completely cooled.

Verdict? Well, believe it or not, these actually made me feel so much better. Peanut butter is my comfort food. My boyfriend will tell you that I can often be seen hovering in front of the open fridge, with my back to him, obviously trying to hide the fact that I am sneaking spoonfuls of PB. I have problems.

These cookies are remarkable. I actually cut the sugar quite a bit, and went for all-natural peanut butter, which is unsweetened, so I was skeptical of how they’d ultimately taste. But they were peanut buttery amazeballs. Really. I even took it just a step further and did this:

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Peanut butter and jelly sandwich cookies, which may or may not be replacing my daily peanut butter and jelly sandwich lunch. Bread is for birds anyway, right? Don’t judge me. Please don’t judge me.

Categories
Cakes Classic Favorites Fancy Pantsy Holiday desserts Strange and Yummy

Let’s Celebrate The Terrible Twos With Some Carrot Cake And Polite Conversation

Totally joking about the “polite conversation,” which I’m sure some of my nearest and dearest already knew.

I'm younger than two here I think... but I'm as enormous as most two year-olds are, so let's play pretend.
I’m younger than two here I think… but I’m as enormous as most two year-olds are, so let’s play pretend.

So guys… I totally missed my two-year blogaversary. I think I was maybe busy weeping over something not at all sad and fretting over something not at all important. Which, you know, is totally normal for me. Anyway, I’m also a little bit shocked that we’ve (and I mean it when I say “we” since this blog would be nothing without the kind words I’ve received from its readers) made it to the two-year mark, and I really can’t thank everyone enough who has read this blog, learned from it, commented on it, asked me about it and even just nodded and politely smiled when I mentioned it. It always warms my heart  a little bit when someone mentions that I haven’t posted a new recipe in a while (Hi George! Thanks George!). It also kind of kicks my butt and reminds me to actually get to it.

I’d like to end this section with a little bit of sap, since we all know I’m dangerously and probably unhealthily obsessed with all things sugar. This blog has been with me through some very trying times, and in some way has pulled me through all of them. Originally I started this thinking that only maybe Sylvapotamus and my Dad would read this thing. Of course, I was wrong, in that while  Sylvapotamus is a loyal reader, my Dad kind of hates my blog I think. But I’ve also reached other people, people who’ve found this thing all on their own and miraculously enjoyed it. Thank each and every one of you.

Okay now, let’s all dry our tears, cowboy up and get to it. The following recipe is one adapted from a recent issue of Better Homes and Gardens, which, truthfully, has bettered both my home and my windowsill (this is our garden for now, please don’t judge). Let’s talk about Mango Carrot Cake friends!

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Mango Carrot Cake (makes one 2-layer cake)

For the cake

2 cups of all-purpose flour

1 tablespoon of baking powder

1/4 teaspoon of ground nutmeg, optional

1 stick of butter, softened

1 cup of granulated sugar

2 eggs

3/4 cup of refrigerated mango juice blend (I used this ridiculously good Trader Joe’s blend, but you can really use any kind you like)

3 cups of shredded carrot (about 3 to 4 large carrots)

For the frosting

1 8-ounce package of cream cheese or Neufchâtel cheese

1/2 stick of butter

2 cups of confectioner’s sugar

For the fancy carrot ribbons

1 large carrot

1 bowl ice water

Preheat your oven to 350°F and butter and flour two 8-inch round cake pans.

In a medium-sized bowl, sift together flour, baking powder and nutmeg (if using), and set aside. In the bowl of a stand mixer, or using a hand mixer, beat butter on high until fluffy, then gradually add in sugar until combined. With the mixer still going, on medium speed, add in eggs one at a time, until fully incorporated.

I must promote this stuff, because it is ridiculous and I'm praying someone sends me some.
I must promote this stuff, because it is ridiculous and I’m praying someone sends me some.

Now, alternate between adding the flour mixture and the mango juice into the butter/egg/sugar mixture, beginning and ending with the flour, just until everything is combined. Take it slow, young Jedis. Do NOT over-mix this batter. Fold in your shredded carrots, and divide this thing between your two cake pans.

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Send into the oven for 25 minutes, until the tops are golden and a toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out with just a few crumbs sticking to it. Let cool in pans for 10 minutes, then remove from pans and cool completely.

Now, let’s work on that frosting, which is super easy, by the way. In the bowl of your stand mixer, beat cream cheese until fluffy,  then mix in butter until combined, then slowly add in confectioner’s sugar until the consistency and taste is exactly how you want it. The end! Wait…not the end… using a rubber spatula, evenly and generously spread over the top of one cake. Then, place other cake on top of this one and enjoy your cake sandwich. No, spread more frosting on top of this cake, and then you can enjoy your cake sandwich.

Now, if you’d like to get super fancy with this thang (and I did since this was an Easter dessert), make some carrot ribbons. Using a vegetable peeler, peel off strands of one carrot, then place in a bowl of ice water for 30 minutes. Drain and dry these completely, then add to the top of your cake and you will have…

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YUM-NESS. The mango juice adds just the right amount of sweetness while keeping the cake nice and moist. It’s certainly very, very different from your traditional carrot cake, but a must-do if you’re looking to try something new, fun and fancy. Me likey all these things.

An aerial shot, just to torture you. <3
An aerial shot, just to torture you. ❤
Categories
Breads Classic Favorites Easy Baking Holiday desserts

Irish Soda Bread… Because I’m All About Celebrating Someone Else’s Roots

…Especially when “someone else’s roots” involve something delicious and full of sugar and butter.

(A tune from my favorite Irishman, from a show I’m privileged to have attended)

So yes, I decided to gift you all with a spur-of-the-moment post because I’ve been craving soda bread for an unbelievably long time. What’s “unbelievably long,” you ask? Oh, I’d say it’s been about ten days.

Yep. I’m addicted. And what better time to share this addiction with all of you dear, sweet readers than St. Patrick’s Day?

Now, let me just say this: I have no idea whether this is authentic or not. It tastes pretty damned authentic, but really, I know exactly nothing. Also, it is ridiculously easy to make (especially if you enjoy getting really messy and then cleaning up after your/my filthy self), so let’s quit the small talk and get to it!

Irish Soda Bread (makes a pretty large loaf that will still be difficult to emotionally and physically part with)

5 cups of all-purpose flour

1 cup of granulated sugar

1 tablespoon of baking powder

1 1/2 teaspoons of salt

1 teaspoon of baking soda

1/2 cup of butter, cubed and softened

2 1/2 cups of raisins (you can use dried cherries or cranberries if you so desire)

2 1/2 cups of buttermilk

1 large egg

Preheat your oven to 350º and generously butter a skillet with high sides or a dutch oven. In the largest bowl you own, blend together flour, sugar, baking powder, salt and baking soda. Add butter and blend together with fingers until the mixture looks crumbly and coarse, like this:

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Whisk together the buttermilk and egg until blended, then stir buttermilk mixture into the rest of the ingredients. and mix just until all ingredients are incorporated. Do not overmix.

Now, working very carefully, transfer your now-definitely-sticky dough into the skillet or dutch oven you’re using. This will be a pain and will result in you shedding a tear for all of the flour you just probably lost to your floor.

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With a knife dipped in flour, trace a large X onto the top of the dough, then send this into the oven until the bread is cooked through, about 1 hour and 15 minutes. Let cool in the pan for about ten minutes, then transfer to a wire rack and let cool completely.

And then….

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Yes, those are Goldfish in the background. Don’t judge me.

This.

I can’t stop eating this. Seriously, there are crumbs in between the keys on my keyboard right now, because I’m a disgusting human being. Hopefully that is enough to convince you that you should spend a couple of hours making this. You’re welcome.