Category: Fancy Pantsy

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Cakes Cheesecakes Chocolate Cheer Fancy Pantsy

Saying Goodbye To An Old Evil Friend….And Saying Hello To Cheesecake

Before I continue, there’s still time to donate any items you can to Sandy victims. From what I’ve been hearing, clothing donations and food donations, while appreciated, are no longer as necessary as money is. Also, many people are in need of cleaning supplies to get their houses back in some semblance of order, so anything you can do would be wonderful. This is probably the best place to do your donating. Thanks!

So it’s about to get real in here, readers.

Today my boyfriend posted some really awful news on my Facebook page. Did you hear? You must have. Do I even need to say it? Ok, fine, since you insist. Hostess is closing.

I need to say that again: HOSTESS IS CLOSING. Oh it hurts me so.

I guess I should tell you all, since I’ve kept it secret long enough. I don’t really care about Hostess treats. I can make my own damn Twinkies, and they sure as hell won’t be preserved and stabilized so as to survive the apocalypse. But Hostess owns Drake’s. When I was in high school, I basically kept Drake’s afloat all by myself. How, you ask? Um… ok… this is sort of humiliating, but as this is my blog and I do have to share stuff sometimes, here goes…

Does anyone else find it odd that the words “artificially flavored” and “freshness guaranteed” are on the same box? How did that escape me back then?

Now, I kind of really hated high school. I went to a pretty competitive, stressful one and was constantly anxious about something. I’m not much different now, but that’s for another sobby post. Anyway, so I was quiet and sad pretty much all the time for the first, oh, three years. And all the time I did not spend with other people was spent with the above handheld pies. They look disgusting, right? I know. But they treated me so well. And they were delicious! They were reliable, they were sweet, and they just kept showing up to comfort me. That might be the saddest thing I’ve ever typed, and I used to write some depressing stuff, man (yep, I’m letting it all hang out for you guys). I actually remember my little sister reaching inside of the box more than once, hoping to taste this glorious treat herself, only to be disappointed and perplexed that there was no pie to grasp. I’m honestly not sure if, to this day, she’s ever had the [dis?]pleasure of tasting one of these. Now as you can see, there are eight pies in each box. No one else in my family was really into these. And there are eight pies in each box. And there were many boxes purchased. I think you understand what I’m trying to tell you.

So, eventually, my dad got hip to my habit. I think it took my pediatrician not-so-gently explaining that my cholesterol was alarmingly bad and that I was starting to get kind of huge. And then the pies were gone from my life. And I haven’t had one since. Nor can I, for I fear relapse.

So now I’m in good standing health-wise, thanks to my abstinence from these fruit-filled Satan squares. I’m happy to have kicked the habit, but, well, I’m also kind of sad that I’ll never see them again. I mean, maybe I would have wanted one, one day. Just a taste, you know? And now I’ll just never even have the option. Farewell, old friends. Ugh, you treated me so poorly. See you in Hell.

Are you as sad as I am? No? Do you really just want to hear about a Peanut Butter Cheesecake I made? You’re right, I understand. Let’s talk about that.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheesecake With Chocolate Ganache Topping (makes one 9″ round cake)

For the crust

1 1/2 cups of graham cracker crumbs

6 tablespoons of softened butter

For the cheesecake portion

12 oz of cream cheese or Neufchatel cheese, softened

1/2 cup of granulated sugar

1/2 cup +2 tablespoons of peanut butter (I actually used all-natural, which I found to be amazing, but you can use whatever you’d prefer, just make sure it’s stirred well!)

1 1/2 oz of semisweet chocolate, melted and cooled (I used chocolate chips)

1 egg

1/2 cup of heavy cream

1 1/2 teaspoons of vanilla extract

First, preheat your oven to 350ºF, grease a 9″ springform pan, and bring a large pot of water to a boil. We’ll be using the water as a “bath” for the cheesecake, since this will help keep the air in the oven moist and keep the top of the cheesecake from cracking. Also, cover the of your springform in foil if you’re worried about leaks.

In the bowl of a stand-mixer or hand mixer, cream together cream cheese, peanut butter, sugar and chocolate until the mixture is smooth. Mix in your egg, then blend in heavy cream and vanilla until everything is fully combined.

Pour the batter into your springform pan, and place this pan in a larger pan, then pour your boiling water into the larger pan so it reaches about halfway up the sides of the springform. Very carefully place this whole thing into the oven and bake for 25 to 30 minutes– so that it appears almost done but still jiggles around in the center quite a bit.

Now, this is a great tip from the author of this recipe: once you’ve determined the cake is done, don’t remove from the oven. Turn the oven off and let the cake sit in the oven as it cools down, which will allow the cake to cook completely without burning or curdling. This should take about an hour. After the hour’s up, remove the cake from the water bath and allow it to cool on your counter for another hour before placing in the fridge until you’re ready to add your ganache.

Chocolate Ganache (Hell yes)

2 oz of semisweet chocolate chips

1/4 cup of heavy cream

1 tablespoon of softened butter

Place chocolate in a heatproof bowl. Now, in a small saucepan, bring your heavy cream to a boil and then pour half of it over your chocolate. Let this mixture sit for about 30 seconds, and then gently whisk the mixture in small circles, starting in the middle of the bowl and working your way out in larger circles. Then pour in the remainder of the cream and repeat the circular motions until you’ve got something shiny and smooth. Stir in your butter and mix just until it’s incorporated. Pour the ganache over your cake and refrigerate until it’s been set.

Now, I added some pecan bits to the top to be fancy…do as you please, readers 🙂

Yes, I realize that thing is WAY too close to the edge of the counter, but don’t worry, miraculously nothing awful happened. I’d be pissed after all of the work I put into this cake. So, was it worth the effort? Well, I’m not going to say yes. I’M GOING TO SAY HELL YES. It’s coming close to being an all-time favorite cake. We actually had some guests over after this was made, who agreed that it was super delicious. Fortunately we had a whole half to ourselves once our guests left.

And you know it didn’t go to waste. 😉

Categories
Cakes Desserts with Fruit Fancy Pantsy Strange and Yummy Stuff Your Parents Would Like

Fancy. Weird. Delicious. Well I’m Flattered, But No, We’re Not Talking About Me Silly!

Nyuk nyuk.

And here we conclude the BARBEQUE FEAST/DESSERT EXTRAVAGANZAAAA trilogy that began many moons ago…or like one moon ago. How does that phrase work exactly? Anyone?

Ok, while we all figure that out, let’s chat about shaky ground. I’m feeling like I’m on some. Maybe that’s too strong, but I’m still feeling pretty down. There was one day this week where I’m fairly sure all I ate were chocolate chip banana pancakes, peanut butter, vanilla ice cream and more peanut butter. Life has not been filled with rainbows, friends. It’s been filled with peanut butter and tears. And that is not a blogworthy combination.

So, what the problem is? Well, what the problem is…is lots of things. Future, past, present, atmosphere, apartment, landlord, oven, mean folks, STAMOS (thought I forgot about that monster, huh?), Mercury in retrograde. It just…is. 😦

So…yeah, stressed. I’d elaborate, but I’m pretty sure we’d all really rather hear about something called a Honey, Fig and Rosemary Cake, right? Thought so.

Before I start in on this, does anyone else have trouble finding figs? It should not be as hard as it is. After all, as my mother will tell you, Jesus ate figs. And hey, if they’re good enough for the big J…

Anyway, it sh0uld just be easier.  Ok, let’s get weird.

Honey, Fig and Rosemary Cake (makes one 9-in round cake)

For the cake

2 1/2 cups of all-purpose flour

1 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder

1 teaspoon of salt

3/4 cup of granulated sugar

2 tablespoons of fresh rosemary, chopped as coarsely as possible

1 tablespoon of freshly and finely-grated lemon zest

6 tablespoons of softened butter

1/4 cup of Rosemary-infused extra virgin olive oil (you can just use regular, but the boyfriend made it and I HIGHLY recommend it)

2 large eggs

1/4 cup of honey

1 cup of milk, room temperature (I used skim)

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

For the Fig Topping

2 tablespoons of butter

12 figs, stemmed and cut in half lengthwise

Salt and pepper

1/2 cup of honey

Preheat your oven to 350°F (yes, you’re using your oven, yes it’s worth it like crazy).

Grease a 9-ince springform or regular cake pan. If you’re using a springform pan, make sure you really grease it, or else it will be a pain in the backside to remove the actual baked cake, and you’ll let loose a string of incredibly creative and incredibly bad, bad words. This is a classy cake, so you don’t really want to be throwing around non-classy language.

You may have noticed that I’ve tweaked some parts of the recipe a bit, which I often do because it’s fun and because I sometimes forget to buy one–ONE– ingredient called for in the original. In this case, I’ve opted for lemon zest. With this, we’re going to make a rosemary-lemon sugar, and because of this, you’re going to love me. Now, you can either pulse together your lemon zest, sugar and rosemary until completely blended or toss in a small bowl and set aside. I opted for the latter, because tossing stuff is easy and I do not own fancy contraptions.

In a medium-sized bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt, and set aside.

In a large bowl, beat together butter, oil and rosemary-lemon sugar with a hand mixer on medium speed until fully incorporated and light. Beat in the eggs, one at a time, then add your honey and mix just until combined. Now, with the mixer on low, alternate between adding in the flour mixture and adding in the milk. Make sure everything’s mixed together fully. Add in vanilla and then beat for another 10 seconds or so.

Oh, if you’re not crying out “MOTHER OF PEARL, THIS SMELLS AMAZING!” by now, you either hate rosemary or forgot something. Re-check, then proclaim your joy.

Using a rubber spatula, scrape all of the batter into your greased pan, then send into the oven for 40 to 45 minutes, rotating the cake about halfway through the process, and bake until a toothpick inserted into the middle of the cake comes out clean. Cool in the pan for 10 minutes, then remove cake from pan and let it cool on a rack for about an hour.

Now, to make the figs. Melt your butter in a large skillet over medium heat until it begins to brown and smell a little nutty (YOU SMELL A LITTLE NUTTY!). Add in your figs and season with a bit of salt and pepper, to taste. Cook for about 3 minutes, until the figs start to soften. Stir in your honey and remove the figs from heat.

Level the top of the cake a bit (this is optional, to be honest), then pour your fig-honey mixture over the top, making sure the round is as evenly covered as possible. Serve immediately.

So, on to the verdict. I elected to level the cake top a bit, mostly so that I could have an excuse to try the actual cake. I am a person with little self control when it comes to sweets. This is my curse. This is my blessing. Anyway, OMG. The cake was moist, sweet, fragrant and had the perfect, perfect hint of rosemary. I kind of need it in my life again, right now.

I mean…you’re seeing this right? Imagine tasting it. Oh, you can’t imagine it? Then MAKE THIS. Make it, now. Please make it now. Invite me over, and we’ll make it together. Even Almond Joycha liked it! God, I miss this cake.

Categories
Cakes Doughnuts Fancy Pantsy

The Ugly Cry Is Nature’s Netipot…And Other Things You Learn While You’re NOT Baking

GROSS! But also totally true. I learned this nastalicious lesson on a particularly difficult night. I don’t remember what I was bawling about, but I do remember being really stuffed up with an awful warm-weather cold and then suddenly… not being stuffed up. Life’s lessons. I just thought I’d drop some knowledge, in case you want to save money.

So…I really miss baking. I swear I haven’t lazed out on all of you. I’ve just been insanely busy. With what, you ask. I could not tell you, I answer. Why are you being so shady, you ask. I’m not, I just have no idea of what’s kept me from my precious sticks o’ butter, powdered sugar and various pans, I reply. Every time I wander into the kitchen to whip something up, I get distracted and eventually end up wandering right back out carrying a spoonful of Cookie Butter. I know, tsk tsk, Shibow. But don’t scold me until you’ve tried it. (I swear I’m not being paid at all by Trader Joe’s. They’re just too damn good.)

Anyway, I’m sure there’s a direct correlation between my nasal passage-clearing wail sessions (Sorry, totally inappropriate for a blog about cakes and stuff) and my failure to bake/blog. Though I can’t really blog if I haven’t baked anything. I mean, I can, but who cares about what I think of Gotye (Seriously WHO IS THAT?!) or growing basil on your windowsill?

Full disclosure: I have been baking things here and there…and everywhere (if “everywhere” is my teeny-tiny kitchen). I’ve just simply not had the time/energy/oomph to post about the sweets I’ve made. Do you care? Are you curious? Oh…what the hell! Here are a few pictures from the past month or so:

What I drowned my sorrows in for a good week after those marshmallows were first made…

What I ALSO drowned my sorrows in…kidding! These were part of a very special birthday cake…

Part 1 of boyfriend’s birthday black forest cake. I’d show you the finished product but…we ate it.

If anyone expresses interest in learning how the black forest cake is made and put together, probably don’t ask me. I still have not mastered the art of properly decorating a cake, but I seem to have figured out the taste aspect. It was a delicious hot mess. Actually it was a cold mess, as most birthday cakes are. So I guess I’d call it a success. Moving on…

So I decided it was finally time to put my big girl pants on and bake something and then blog about it. Want to know why I chose what I chose? Well, this next dessert struck me as a mash-up of a cake, a muffin and a doughnut. Are you still wondering? Really? No? Ok, let’s do this then.

Cinnamon Sugar Puffs (makes 12 large puffs or 24 mini puffs)

1/3 cup of unsalted butter

1/2 cup of granulated sugar

1 large egg*

1 1/2 cup of all-purpose flour

1 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1/4 teaspoon of nutmeg

1/4 teaspoon of allspice

Pinch of ginger

Pinch of ground cloves (I left these out)

1 teaspoon of orange zest (I also left this out…don’t judge, I forgot to go grocery shopping)

1/2 cup of milk  (I used skim)

*Since, as you now know, I forgot to pick up essentials before making this, I had to find a substitute for the one egg. Turns out 2 tablespoons of cornstarch plus 2 tablespoons of room-temperature water works pretty well.

Preheat your oven to 350°F, and grease either a 12-cup muffin tin or a 24-cup mini muffin tin. I made minis, because in my mind 24 is more than 12, regardless of size. I make no sense, I know 😦

In a small saucepan, heat the 1/3 cup of butter over medium-high heat. Stir constantly until the butter has melted and browned and taken on a nutty scent. This is known as browned butter. If you love regular butter, you will fall at browned butter’s feet. As butter does not have feet, you will likely have been immensely confused by that sentence. Once the butter’s done browning, pour it into a large mixing bowl and let it come to room temperature.

Once the butter’s cooled, pour in the sugar and egg and whisk together, by hand or using a hand mixer, until fully creamed together.  Now, in a separate smaller bowl, sift together your flour, salt and spices.

Next, we’re going to mix the dry ingredients and the milk into our butter/sugar/egg mixture. Start by pouring about a third of the flour mixture into the butter mixture, then add a little of the milk to this, then alternate until all of the ingredients are happily joined in one large bowl, like so:

Scoop the batter into the cups of your muffin tin, and send into the oven for 20 to 25 minutes, until the tops are golden and the puffs have…puffed.

While these are baking, prepare the cinnamon sugar coating:

Cinnamon Sugar Coating

6 tablespoons of butter, melted

1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon

1/2 cup of sugar

Keep butter in mixing bowl. Sift cinnamon and sugar together in a separate bowl, and try to patiently wait for your puffs to be done. You will regret spoiling your appetite by reaching for that Oreo.

Once the puffs are done, carefully pop them out of the tin and dip each one in melted butter–making sure to pretty much bathe each puff in it– and then cover each in cinnamon sugar.

My boyfriend heard the phrase “cinnamon sugar” and promptly strolled into the kitchen, presumably to help. When I was done dipping the first one, he popped it into his mouth. I didn’t get a reaction, so I assumed he hated them. Then he started dipping and sugaring these and immediately eating them. I was relieved. Then I ate one.

Welcome back my wonky thumb!

Wow. These are spectacular. Remember how I described what I thought they’d be like? Well, I was wrong. These are more like a mash-up of a cake, a muffin, a doughnut and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Which is to say, THEY’RE EVEN BETTER THAN I IMAGINED THEY’D BE.

Also, there’s an added bonus: we had a lot of cinnamon sugar left over, which we quickly threw into an empty salt shaker for toast/pancakes/directly onto our tongues (don’t hate). It’s the gift that keeps on giving, people. It just keeps on giving.

Categories
Cakes Desserts with Fruit Fancy Pantsy Grown Up People Desserts Stuff Your Parents Would Like

I Made A Lemon Layer Cake…There. Can I Hide Now?

A very happy happy much-needed Happy Sunday. Yes. We colored Easter eggs. Jealous?

Methinks it might be time to take another hiatus from the blog. I’m in serious need of a break from, well, everything. If I had it my way that break from everything would entail me burrowing into a hole made of downy blankets (a blanket fort, perhaps?) and only emerging upon hearing the words “you’re rich, you’re awesome, it’s a sunny 75 degrees outside and we’re going to a Glen Hansard show…with Glen Hansard.” I’m not even just saying any of this for dramatic effect. I’d very much like to go into hibernation mode for, oh, a couple of seasons or so. In fact, when my best friend asked me what I wanted to do after I told her about my dilemma, my answer was “hide.” When she asked me what else I wanted to do, I responded with “um…hide for a long time?” I believe that was the incorrect answer.

I’ve been under some serious stress lately. As I described to my best friend (poor girl basically got slammed with Shibow drama), I feel like I’m both totally stuck and going a mile a minute and the same exact time. Quarter life crisis returns! It must be an April thing.

Maybe you, dear readers, can help me. Allow me to post a series of questions that I hope at least one of you will be able to assist me in answering:

1. What am I meant to do with my life?

2. Where should I hide in case I no one comes up with the answer to #1?

3. Who the hell is Gotye?

4. Does anyone know anyone who’s really good at cutting curly hair? And I don’t mean kind of good or “here’s what Google says.” I mean, do you have curly hair and did you go to an awesome hairdresser and do you now look like a ringlet-covered goddess?

5. Seriously, can someone help me figure out what to DO with my life?

As I’ve said before, it’s not as if something big and bad has happened recently. I’m just Sad Shibow, and I’m not having fun. Oh, one more question:

6. WHAT IS FUN????

Yeah, so, I just need to snap out of it, I guess. And anyway, just because I’m sad doesn’t mean Easter doesn’t exist and doesn’t require some baked goods. For an Easter Sunday party at my cousin’s new [beautiful!] digs, I decided to whip up a lemon layer cake with lemon curd and blueberries. Now, as you can probably see if you’ve clicked on the link, this is a Martha Stewart recipe. I need to be honest: I’m not a huge fan of this lady. It’s not a Stamos-level hatred or anything. It’s more of a fear. A suspicion. And to be honest, after you see how this cake turned out, I think you’ll agree that my feelings toward her are justified.

Lemon Layer Cake That Does Not Have As Many Layers As You’d Expect It To

For the cake

1 1/4 cups of all purpose flour

1 tablespoon of baking powder

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1/2 cup plus two tablespoons of granulated sugar

1/2 cup of skim milk

1/3 cup of canola oil

1 1/2 teaspoons of vanilla extract

Zest of one lemon, plus one tablespoon of fresh lemon juice

4 egg whites

1 tablespoon of confectioner’s sugar, optional

For the lemon curd

4 egg yolks, lightly beaten

Zest of half a lemon, plus half a cup of fresh lemon juice (the juice of about two and a half lemons…boy do I hope you have a juicer. I do not.)

1 1/3 cups of granulated sugar

1/3 cup of cornstarch

Pinch of salt

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1 1/2 cups of fresh blueberries

Preheat your oven to 350ºF, and grease two 8″ round cake pans. In a medium-sized bowl, sift together flour, baking powder and salt and set aside. In a larger bowl, whisk together 1/4 cup of your sugar, milk, oil, vanilla, lemon zest and lemon juice.

Now, in a bowl large enough to fit your egg whites, whip the whites with a hand or stand mixer until foamy, then slowly start to add the rest of your sugar until stiff peaks appear.

Add half of your dry mixture to the milk mixture and stir in until smooth. Add in half of the egg white mixture, then keep alternating between adding the dry mixture and the egg whites until everything’s incorporated. Divide the batter between your pans and bake until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean, about 18 minutes. Let the cakes cool in their pans for about 10 minutes, then invert them onto a clean surface to cool completely.

Pre-baked. Spoiler alert: these barely rose at all. 😦

In the meantime, make your lemon curd. Place egg yolks in a medium heatproof bowl, and set aside. In a medium saucepan, whisk together lemon zest, sugar, cornstarch and salt. Add in the lemon juice plus 1 1/2 cups of water, stir until sugar has dissolved, and crank the heat on your stove up to medium-high. Bring to a boil, and keep whisking. Cook for about two minutes, then reduce the heat to medium-low. Slowly pour about one-third of your lemon mixture into the bowl of egg yolks. Basically, you’re tempering your yolks so that you don’t end up with scrambled egg lemon curd. If that’s your thing though, go for it. Also, if that’s your thing…gross. Add this mixture back into your saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring all the while, for about 3 more minutes. Remove the mixture from heat, stir in your vanilla, and place in a heatproof bowl. Cover with plastic wrap and cool completely, for at least an hour and for as long as a day. When cooled, stir in your blueberries.

Just so you know, I am so damn happy I know how to make lemon curd now. It's delicious. I'm putting it on everything.

Now, to assemble this beast.  I’m getting a little bit of anxiety just typing this right now. In fact, I’ve been avoiding it for a while because my creation– at first– turned out to be a disappointment. First, the cakes were not nearly as thick as they should have been. They were pretty flat, and there was no way that I could think of to slice them in half to be even thinner. I pouted for a while before enlisting the help of my boyfriend who, bless him, pretty much has surgeon’s hands and likely would have been able to perfectly halve this thing in a sandstorm.

Oh, but dear readers, guess what else I discovered? Not only is the man good with cutting up the cake. It turns out he’s a master decorator as well.

Yes, I did leave this to him.

And, at the risk of embarrassing him, let me tell you that he got pretty into this. I could not stop repeatedly thanking him and saying “you made it pretty. It was ugly…and then you made it pretty.” Dude’s got talent.

Anyway, I should probably tell you how to do this and quit the fawning. Fawning’s lame. So, cut each cake horizontally in half, or, you know, find someone who can do this and still keep your cake intact. Spread a thick coating of curd over the bottom layer, then stack until you’re at the top. Smooth out any messy bits, and top with a dusting of confectioner’s sugar, or spread a bit more lemon curd on top and add a few blueberries. (This was the man’s brilliant idea.)

I don’t have a better picture of this cake than this, mostly because I walked away as it was being decorated because I was bummed at how flat it turned out. Everyone seemed to really love it at Easter, and we even took a piece home that very, very quickly disappeared. So even though it wasn’t as plump or easy to work with as I would have liked, and even though I’m convinced Ms. Stewart sabotaged me somehow, we ended up with a pretty lovely dessert. Seems like you got got, MS.

Categories
Chocolate Cheer Fancy Pantsy

I’m Using Pretzels. They Represent My Twisted Emotions.


I'm in a glass case of emotion!

This is me this week, guys. Minus the mustache, fortunately. I mentioned a couple of posts ago that Julie, a beloved coworker of mine, would be leaving the office for snowier pastures. Well, the time has come. I can’t tell you how sad I am. I’m so sad that I cried big Indian baby tears (Indian tears are bigger and hotter than normal tears) at the staff meeting during which she revealed she’d be leaving. Yes, she reads and often comments on the blog, which is greatly appreciated. But it isn’t just about that.

Rare is the coworker who can make you feel “at home” at a place of work on your second day. At least, that’s rare for me, because I am usually mute and terrified for my first week of any job.  She is one of the people I can credit for helping me to really come to enjoy and love this place, and one of the people I can thank profusely for helping me get through some dramarama not too long ago. I can’t really imagine this place without her. For these and many more reasons, the woman deserved a baked good.

I decided to go with something chocolate and pretzel-related because she once brought in a bag of Trader Joe’s chocolate covered pretzels and we all went to town on them. I also decided to pick the most complicated dessert ever because I’ve been lazing on the sweets-making lately and, well, if anybody deserves a treat that requires a couple of days of effort, it’s Jules. Finally, I didn’t realize it would be complicated when I committed to it. That last sentence is pretty much the story of my life, though. Sigh.

I went with the Milk Chocolate Pretzel Tart with Pretzel Crust provided by the fancy corner of the internets, Food & Wine. Because it is fancy, it requires lots of time, so reserve a couple of days for prep, chilling, baking, taste-testing, cleaning and pondering your existence. Also, you have to stick your pinky out as much as possible to keep things classy. Your guests will know if you didn’t do this. Here’s what you’ll need:

Milk Chocolate Pretzel Tart with Pretzel Crust

Crust

1/2 cup of butter, softened

1 1/4 cups of coarsely chopped pretzels (leave a few kind of intact, just because it will liven up the crust a bit)

3/4 cup of confectioner’s sugar

1/2 cup of all-purpose flour

1 large egg

2 ounces of melted bittersweet chocolate (Wait to melt this until I tell you to. I’m not being bossy, I’m saving your life!)

Filling

1 1/2 cups of heavy cream

3/4 pound of milk chocolate, chopped (about 12 ounces, so I used a bag of Ghirardelli milk chocolate chips)

Crushed pretzels for garnish, and also creme fraiche if you want to go above and beyond with this

The stars of this dish.

You’ll also need a 10-inch tart pan with a removable bottom, but make sure it’s not too removable. As in, make sure you won’t have to deal with any chocolate leakage at the conclusion of your baking adventure. Want to know how I know this? I think you know how I know this.

First, let’s work on the crust. Even though this is fancy, your clothes while baking this need not be. In fact, please wear the rattiest duds you’ve got, because you will get messy. In a large bowl, with an electric hand mixer on low speed, slowly mix together the butter, sugar and 3/4 cup of the pretzels until creamy. It won’t be completely smooth, but you do want it to look like fluff with a few pretzels thrown into the mix. When you’re here, mix in the flour and the egg, then add in the remaining pretzels. Roll out the dough between two pieces of wax paper, flattening it as much as possible without having any spill out through the sides (why yes, this did happen to me). Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes, until completely chilled.

Take the dough out, flatten it to about 12 inches or so, then roll it out over your tart pan. Press the dough into the pan, patching any holes and removing any extra pieces hanging over the sides. Refrigerate for another half hour. Told you this would take some time. I hope you’re watching a Law & Order marathon or something to keep you occupied.

Now, preheat the oven to 350°F. When the dough’s out, line it with parchment paper and fill it with pie weights. If you don’t have pie weights, you can use uncooked rice, pasta, dried beans or ramekins. You might be asking me why you need pie weights at all. Well, homies, pie weights are meant to allow for crusts to literally be “weighed down,” so that during the initial “blind bake,” the crust doesn’t bubble up and develop air pockets. That’d just be weird, and so not classy. After half an hour, pull out the crust, remove the weights and parchment, and send the crust back into the oven for ten more minutes. It’ll look a little something like this:

Let the crust cool for about 10 minutes. While that’s cooling you can go ahead and melt down the bittersweet chocolate. Brush it over the crust and up the sides. I do not play when it comes to pretzels and chocolate, people.

While this is cooling, make the filling. In a small saucepan, bring the heavy cream to a simmer. Remove the pan from heat, stir in your milk chocolate, and continue to stir until the mixture’s melted down completely. Set aside to cool to room temperature. Or, you could send it into the fridge for about 20 minutes if you are pressed for time. I had to somehow wake up for a job the next morning, so I was pressed for time.

Pour the cooled mixture into the cooled crust. Then, BEWARE. Like, really, beware. If your tart pan was as, um, delicate as mine, you will have chocolate oozing out of the bottom, creating a sticky (albeit delicious) mess. Don’t worry, your entire mixture will not get sucked out through the very bottom. In fact, once I was completely finished, the tart looked perfectly level. But I did have to worry about chocolate-y counters and floors, so I am just warning the rest of ya’ll. Have some tin foil or something ready beneath your pan. Send it into your fridge to set for at least four hours. I’d recommend an overnight trip, though. When the filling’s set, break some pretzels over the top for garnish.

So, this seems like a lot of work, right? Well, it is. But if you love to bake, it is fun work. I swear. I would not lie to you. I am a terrible liar, and have been told by three different people this week that I should never play poker. Maybe I should just show you instead:

The in yo' face shot.

In addition to being fun to make, it is and was SO worth the effort. I brought this to work and had completely forgotten that we only have those baby plastic knives, which made this nearly impossible to cut. So instead, a few of us classy ladies dug in with our hands. Yum.

Jules, you’ll be missed more than I can tell you in a wee little blog. Who will want my pregnant unicorn drawings now?