Let Me Eat Cake. Just Not Fruit Cake.

I’m going to let you all in on a tiny secret: I care about the Royal Wedding about as much as I care whether or not it’s acceptable to have hazelnut gelato for lunch. This means I do not care at all.

Ok, Kate looked gorgeous, the dress was fabuloso, blahblahboringblah. I’m a hater, I know. Really, though, nothing about this wedding intrigued me until I heard their official wedding cake would be a fruit cake. A fruit cake! Did my parents choose this? Worst. Nightmare.

Just as I was about to doze off and hopefully not wake up until the Saturday after the nuptials, I heard that Prince William also requested a chocolate biscuit cake be served, probably because he would have gagged if all he had to eat was fruit cake. Did I mention their cake was a fruit cake? Anyway, my ears perked up when I heard the groom’s request. Oh Wills. I had a feeling we were homies.

I knew not what a chocolate biscuit cake was, but I [correctly] assumed there would be no candied cherries (gag!) at play in this one. I also [correctly] figured it wouldn’t be too difficult to find a recipe for this cake, since, you know, no one cares about anything but Will, Kate and zzzzz…. sorry. I’m sure this cake will pair perfectly with the haterade I’m drinking. Also, for all you hippies who don’t believe in modern-day appliances, like ovens, this is a no-bake recipe. Score! Oh, you will need a fridge, though. Sorry hippies.

I used Darren McGrady’s recipe, which is said to be the exact recipe used for the groom’s cake, and found it here (first recipe). You’ll need:

8 ounces of tea biscuits or cookies (I used Kedem tea biscuits, which can be found in the “specialty/international foods” aisle of your grocery store, and are usually less than $1 a pack. Holla!)

1/2 stick of butter

1/2 cup of granulated sugar

12 ounces of dark chocolate (I used a bag of Hershey’s Special Dark Chocolate chips)

1 beaten egg

1 ounce of white chocolate, optional

Grease an 8-inch round pan or 9 x 5 inch jelly roll pan. In a small bowl, cream together butter and sugar until it is fluffy and yellow. In a separate, larger bowl, melt 4 ounces of your dark chocolate. If you’ve got a double-boiler, use it. If you do not, you are me. If you are me, add half a tablespoon of butter into your chocolate bowl, and melt at 15-second increments until relatively smooth. The chocolate will still be a bit tough to stir, but fear not. Once the butter/sugar mixture is added, your bowl will look much shinier and prettier. Go ahead and mix these together, then add in your beaten egg.

The recipe says to have your broken tea biscuits ready. I am a rebel, and I also do not like having to clean extra dishes, so I suggest breaking the biscuits over your chocolate mixture. I found that my mixture was a bit biscuit-heavy after one packet, but you can go crazy and add as many of these as you please. Stir it all together until all biscuits have been covered in gooey chocolate.

Pour into your greased pan, making sure to evenly spread it throughout, and chill in the refrigerator for 3 hours.

Once chilled, run a knife along the edges of the pan and invert the cake onto a serving dish. Oh, who am I to tell you where to put your cakes? Invert it onto the floor if you feel like it. Anyway, in the meantime, melt the remaining 8 ounces of chocolate and pour it over the cake, making sure to evenly spread it over the top and sides. Let the icing cool at room temperature. You can also melt a bit of white chocolate on top if you are feeling extra fancy. I am obviously not.

So, the verdict? I mean, it’s cookies, butter, sugar and chocolate all mashed together into a pan. It’s going to be good. I would suggest doubling the recipe if you want something that resembles more of a cake and less of a pancake. This thing is crazy flat, but still pretty fab. Oh, also, it isn’t fruit cake.