I Am Sad Shibow. And I Blame Stamos.

And I thought last week sucked.

The past few days have been particularly rough on me. I got super-dissed by a certain someone whom I thought was a solid individual, I am stressing about my future, and I randomly cried the other day because I couldn’t find 51st street. I work in Midtown! How out of it must I have been?! Then I saw this on television, and it all came together:

STAMOS! This man, has, at various points in my short life, conspired with nature and my other enemies (I have many, but I count David Blaine and the cobra from the Bronx Zoo among them) to mess with me. I know you think I’m joking, but I am not. I distinctly remember being an eight year old nursing a broken wrist and watching Uncle Jesse smugly breeze through episode after episode of Full House. He and his perfectly functional arms and ridiculous mullet and creepy half-smile were constantly mocking me. I had one of the worst fevers I’ve ever had in 2006 (I only remember this because that was a BAD year) and recall being curled up on my couch mindlessly staring at STAMOS on an episode of ER. Guess what? That was a 24-hour bug! Really! I also remember weeping over a sad breakup last year to an episode of Glee. I don’t watch that thing anymore, and I bet you all know why. That girl who damaged my back and psyche? She’s probably related to him. The Stamos giveth, so the Stamos must goeth away.

At first I thought that maybe I would bake something with ingredients Stamos is allergic to, so I researched his IMDB page (No, I am not linking to it.). I found out he is a fellow drummer, so I am thinking he is trying to kill me off since I am competition. Then I realized that I was giving him too much power by doing all this research and decided to just make whatever I felt like making. I felt like making cookies. And I felt like making them up based on what I happened to have at my disposal, mostly because bad things happen when you go outside.

I have a bunch of those instant oatmeal packets that I bought last year for a dollar when I was really jobless and really poor. This brand is way too sweet for me, so I abandoned the whole box in favor of other cheap breakfast foods. I don’t believe in throwing out perfectly edible items, but I do believe in making cookies out of them. So I made up a recipe.

Week From Hell Instant Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies

3/4 cup of butter, softened (I used Smart Balance for baking because it’s all I had. You can make fun of me later)

1/2 cup of brown sugar

1/2 cup of granulated sugar (I used turbinado sugar because I’m classy like that)

1 egg white

1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1/2 teaspoon of baking soda

1 cup of whole wheat flour

big pinch of salt

3 instant oatmeal packets that you know you have lying in a cabinet somewhere (I used 2 apples & cinnamon and 1 cinnamon spice )

1/2 cup of dark chocolate chips, more if you’re feeling crazy

Preheat the oven (whoa!) to 350°F.

So yeah, as you can see from the ingredients, I tried to make these kind of healthy. They’re delicious though, I promise. In a large bowl, combine butter, sugar and vanilla until mixed. Beat in the egg white, then add the baking soda, flour and salt until fully combined. Stir in each packet of oatmeal and get mixing. Fold in the chocolate chips and you’ve got your batter.

Drop tablespoon-sized portions onto a cookie sheet, and throw them into the oven for 11-13 minutes. 11 minutes exactly worked for me. Let them cool and then dig in. Mine were yummy, obviously. I had a couple as part of my balanced breakfast (I mean, there is oatmeal in them). They really perked me up until I found out that Mark-Paul Gosselaar was getting married to some chick who isn’t me. Yet another dark day.

By the way, on Thursday I wiped out on a New York City sidewalk (thanks for stifling laughs while not helping me up, fellow pedestrians), and now my ankle really hurts. I shake my fist at you, Stamos! You’ll never break me.