Category: Cakes

Categories
Cakes Classic Favorites Sort of Healthy

ANGRYPANTS! And Sweet Stuff Too.

That may have been the shortest title I’ve written in a while, and possibly ever. But, well, I kind of had a month-long silent breakdown.

What’s a silent breakdown, you ask? Well, it’s basically one in which you, well, I realize that Murphy’s Law can and will interfere with even the best best-laid plans. You want a Meyer’s candle? Well, screw you, we’re fresh out! You’d like a place to live? Ok, hand over your whole life story–dated, copied seven times and collated–and we’ll get back to you. Eventually. Maybe. You want to rent a U-Haul truck for your move once you find that place to live? Nope, sorry. Some lazy low-life is busy buying Scottish hookers with your credit card! (Yep, that really did just happen.)

And, you’re constantly being graded. Well, I am at least. Everyone’s got a number for me, from credit card companies to potential employers to doctors to family to people deciding where I’m going to sleep at night. Everyone is always grading and measuring and determining my worth, based on a scale of 1 to whatever and it makes me SAD. I’ve realized that the older I get, the more I am judged, and the more numbers are assigned to me and it makes me SAD.

Ok, I know, I’m whiny and annoying. This is actually what happens when you decide to refrain from complaining about everything for a week. You get all twitchy and irritated, because you can’t complain about how twitchy and irritated you are. Then your week’s up and you’re grumpy, tired and REALLY FRIGGIN’ HUNGRY FOR SOME SWEETS.

Now, on to the sweet stuff. There’s at least as much sweet stuff in this post as there is, um, unsweet stuff. For one…my boyfriend made me JAM!

THIS IS THE JAM HE MADE ME! The caps are obnoxious and extremely necessary because…LOOK HOW PRETTY!

So, we went to Vermont about a month ago and brought home this pear-vanilla jam that I became obsessed with. Then it was gone from my life (because we ate it all). Then, a few days ago, it was back in my life, for the dear wonderful man in my life had MADE it for me! And it’s amazing. I mean, do you know how long it takes to make this stuff? A long time! The effort, the taste, the everything about it made me cry, I was so happy.

On to more sweet stuff: we got a brand-spankin’ new and beautiful apartment! I can’t wait to move. It was, as some of you close readers may have gathered, an exhausting process, but we’re in and we’re thrilled and I want to hug everyone (except Stamos).

Are you sick of me yet? Please don’t be, because this next sweet thing is an actual, literal sweet thing. It’s angel food cake!

Now, I’m going to be honest: before making this, I was not a fan of angel food cake, probably because the only kind I’ve ever had was out of a box, and that box was kind of nastylicious. But, the boyfriend wanted some and I felt like learning something. So…here goes!

Angel Food Cake (makes one 9×5 loaf)

1/2 cup of egg whites, at room temperature

1/3 cup of granulated sugar

1/3 cup of all-purpose flour

1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons of confectioner’s sugar

1/4 teaspoon of vanilla extract

So basically, I took a recipe and, thanks to my high school algebra class and a dearth of egg whites, cut it to a third. The original recipe that can be made in a tube pan (nope, still not entirely sure either) can be found here.

Preheat the oven to 350ºF and do NOT grease your 9×5 loaf pan. No, I’m serious. Leave it ungreased. Like, for reals, put the butter down homie.

In a medium-sized bowl, sift together flour and confectioner’s sugar, and set aside. Now, in a large bowl, beat your egg whites on low using a mixer until frothy, about 2 minutes. Then, gradually add in your granulated sugar and increase the mixer speed to medium. Beat until stiff peaks start to form, about 3 or 4 minutes, then add in your vanilla and beat on high for an additional 20 seconds.

Next, fold the flour/sugar mixture into your egg white mixture and gently mix until all ingredients are fully incorporated. Spread evenly into your loaf pan and send into the oven for 35 to 45 minutes, until the top of your cake is browned and springs back when you touch it.

Ok, this is the sort of weird part…in order to really get that fluffy fluff, you need to set this cake upside-down on a cool rack for about an hour.

“This isn’t a rack, Sad Shibow!” Yeah well, I’m awesome/special/poor.

This is not easy. This is not easy at all. But if you can do it, do it. I will now show you what went down in my household once our hour was up.

Freshly-whipped cream sandwich loveliness
…Aaaand about five minutes later. No exaggeration.

So…hit? I think so. Well, I know so. There have already been requests for a remake, even though this thing has barely been gone for 24 hours. Sometimes the classics will just get you.

Categories
Cakes Desserts with Fruit Fancy Pantsy Strange and Yummy Stuff Your Parents Would Like

Fancy. Weird. Delicious. Well I’m Flattered, But No, We’re Not Talking About Me Silly!

Nyuk nyuk.

And here we conclude the BARBEQUE FEAST/DESSERT EXTRAVAGANZAAAA trilogy that began many moons ago…or like one moon ago. How does that phrase work exactly? Anyone?

Ok, while we all figure that out, let’s chat about shaky ground. I’m feeling like I’m on some. Maybe that’s too strong, but I’m still feeling pretty down. There was one day this week where I’m fairly sure all I ate were chocolate chip banana pancakes, peanut butter, vanilla ice cream and more peanut butter. Life has not been filled with rainbows, friends. It’s been filled with peanut butter and tears. And that is not a blogworthy combination.

So, what the problem is? Well, what the problem is…is lots of things. Future, past, present, atmosphere, apartment, landlord, oven, mean folks, STAMOS (thought I forgot about that monster, huh?), Mercury in retrograde. It just…is. 😦

So…yeah, stressed. I’d elaborate, but I’m pretty sure we’d all really rather hear about something called a Honey, Fig and Rosemary Cake, right? Thought so.

Before I start in on this, does anyone else have trouble finding figs? It should not be as hard as it is. After all, as my mother will tell you, Jesus ate figs. And hey, if they’re good enough for the big J…

Anyway, it sh0uld just be easier.  Ok, let’s get weird.

Honey, Fig and Rosemary Cake (makes one 9-in round cake)

For the cake

2 1/2 cups of all-purpose flour

1 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder

1 teaspoon of salt

3/4 cup of granulated sugar

2 tablespoons of fresh rosemary, chopped as coarsely as possible

1 tablespoon of freshly and finely-grated lemon zest

6 tablespoons of softened butter

1/4 cup of Rosemary-infused extra virgin olive oil (you can just use regular, but the boyfriend made it and I HIGHLY recommend it)

2 large eggs

1/4 cup of honey

1 cup of milk, room temperature (I used skim)

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

For the Fig Topping

2 tablespoons of butter

12 figs, stemmed and cut in half lengthwise

Salt and pepper

1/2 cup of honey

Preheat your oven to 350°F (yes, you’re using your oven, yes it’s worth it like crazy).

Grease a 9-ince springform or regular cake pan. If you’re using a springform pan, make sure you really grease it, or else it will be a pain in the backside to remove the actual baked cake, and you’ll let loose a string of incredibly creative and incredibly bad, bad words. This is a classy cake, so you don’t really want to be throwing around non-classy language.

You may have noticed that I’ve tweaked some parts of the recipe a bit, which I often do because it’s fun and because I sometimes forget to buy one–ONE– ingredient called for in the original. In this case, I’ve opted for lemon zest. With this, we’re going to make a rosemary-lemon sugar, and because of this, you’re going to love me. Now, you can either pulse together your lemon zest, sugar and rosemary until completely blended or toss in a small bowl and set aside. I opted for the latter, because tossing stuff is easy and I do not own fancy contraptions.

In a medium-sized bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt, and set aside.

In a large bowl, beat together butter, oil and rosemary-lemon sugar with a hand mixer on medium speed until fully incorporated and light. Beat in the eggs, one at a time, then add your honey and mix just until combined. Now, with the mixer on low, alternate between adding in the flour mixture and adding in the milk. Make sure everything’s mixed together fully. Add in vanilla and then beat for another 10 seconds or so.

Oh, if you’re not crying out “MOTHER OF PEARL, THIS SMELLS AMAZING!” by now, you either hate rosemary or forgot something. Re-check, then proclaim your joy.

Using a rubber spatula, scrape all of the batter into your greased pan, then send into the oven for 40 to 45 minutes, rotating the cake about halfway through the process, and bake until a toothpick inserted into the middle of the cake comes out clean. Cool in the pan for 10 minutes, then remove cake from pan and let it cool on a rack for about an hour.

Now, to make the figs. Melt your butter in a large skillet over medium heat until it begins to brown and smell a little nutty (YOU SMELL A LITTLE NUTTY!). Add in your figs and season with a bit of salt and pepper, to taste. Cook for about 3 minutes, until the figs start to soften. Stir in your honey and remove the figs from heat.

Level the top of the cake a bit (this is optional, to be honest), then pour your fig-honey mixture over the top, making sure the round is as evenly covered as possible. Serve immediately.

So, on to the verdict. I elected to level the cake top a bit, mostly so that I could have an excuse to try the actual cake. I am a person with little self control when it comes to sweets. This is my curse. This is my blessing. Anyway, OMG. The cake was moist, sweet, fragrant and had the perfect, perfect hint of rosemary. I kind of need it in my life again, right now.

I mean…you’re seeing this right? Imagine tasting it. Oh, you can’t imagine it? Then MAKE THIS. Make it, now. Please make it now. Invite me over, and we’ll make it together. Even Almond Joycha liked it! God, I miss this cake.

Categories
Cakes Doughnuts Fancy Pantsy

The Ugly Cry Is Nature’s Netipot…And Other Things You Learn While You’re NOT Baking

GROSS! But also totally true. I learned this nastalicious lesson on a particularly difficult night. I don’t remember what I was bawling about, but I do remember being really stuffed up with an awful warm-weather cold and then suddenly… not being stuffed up. Life’s lessons. I just thought I’d drop some knowledge, in case you want to save money.

So…I really miss baking. I swear I haven’t lazed out on all of you. I’ve just been insanely busy. With what, you ask. I could not tell you, I answer. Why are you being so shady, you ask. I’m not, I just have no idea of what’s kept me from my precious sticks o’ butter, powdered sugar and various pans, I reply. Every time I wander into the kitchen to whip something up, I get distracted and eventually end up wandering right back out carrying a spoonful of Cookie Butter. I know, tsk tsk, Shibow. But don’t scold me until you’ve tried it. (I swear I’m not being paid at all by Trader Joe’s. They’re just too damn good.)

Anyway, I’m sure there’s a direct correlation between my nasal passage-clearing wail sessions (Sorry, totally inappropriate for a blog about cakes and stuff) and my failure to bake/blog. Though I can’t really blog if I haven’t baked anything. I mean, I can, but who cares about what I think of Gotye (Seriously WHO IS THAT?!) or growing basil on your windowsill?

Full disclosure: I have been baking things here and there…and everywhere (if “everywhere” is my teeny-tiny kitchen). I’ve just simply not had the time/energy/oomph to post about the sweets I’ve made. Do you care? Are you curious? Oh…what the hell! Here are a few pictures from the past month or so:

What I drowned my sorrows in for a good week after those marshmallows were first made…

What I ALSO drowned my sorrows in…kidding! These were part of a very special birthday cake…

Part 1 of boyfriend’s birthday black forest cake. I’d show you the finished product but…we ate it.

If anyone expresses interest in learning how the black forest cake is made and put together, probably don’t ask me. I still have not mastered the art of properly decorating a cake, but I seem to have figured out the taste aspect. It was a delicious hot mess. Actually it was a cold mess, as most birthday cakes are. So I guess I’d call it a success. Moving on…

So I decided it was finally time to put my big girl pants on and bake something and then blog about it. Want to know why I chose what I chose? Well, this next dessert struck me as a mash-up of a cake, a muffin and a doughnut. Are you still wondering? Really? No? Ok, let’s do this then.

Cinnamon Sugar Puffs (makes 12 large puffs or 24 mini puffs)

1/3 cup of unsalted butter

1/2 cup of granulated sugar

1 large egg*

1 1/2 cup of all-purpose flour

1 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1/4 teaspoon of nutmeg

1/4 teaspoon of allspice

Pinch of ginger

Pinch of ground cloves (I left these out)

1 teaspoon of orange zest (I also left this out…don’t judge, I forgot to go grocery shopping)

1/2 cup of milk  (I used skim)

*Since, as you now know, I forgot to pick up essentials before making this, I had to find a substitute for the one egg. Turns out 2 tablespoons of cornstarch plus 2 tablespoons of room-temperature water works pretty well.

Preheat your oven to 350°F, and grease either a 12-cup muffin tin or a 24-cup mini muffin tin. I made minis, because in my mind 24 is more than 12, regardless of size. I make no sense, I know 😦

In a small saucepan, heat the 1/3 cup of butter over medium-high heat. Stir constantly until the butter has melted and browned and taken on a nutty scent. This is known as browned butter. If you love regular butter, you will fall at browned butter’s feet. As butter does not have feet, you will likely have been immensely confused by that sentence. Once the butter’s done browning, pour it into a large mixing bowl and let it come to room temperature.

Once the butter’s cooled, pour in the sugar and egg and whisk together, by hand or using a hand mixer, until fully creamed together.  Now, in a separate smaller bowl, sift together your flour, salt and spices.

Next, we’re going to mix the dry ingredients and the milk into our butter/sugar/egg mixture. Start by pouring about a third of the flour mixture into the butter mixture, then add a little of the milk to this, then alternate until all of the ingredients are happily joined in one large bowl, like so:

Scoop the batter into the cups of your muffin tin, and send into the oven for 20 to 25 minutes, until the tops are golden and the puffs have…puffed.

While these are baking, prepare the cinnamon sugar coating:

Cinnamon Sugar Coating

6 tablespoons of butter, melted

1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon

1/2 cup of sugar

Keep butter in mixing bowl. Sift cinnamon and sugar together in a separate bowl, and try to patiently wait for your puffs to be done. You will regret spoiling your appetite by reaching for that Oreo.

Once the puffs are done, carefully pop them out of the tin and dip each one in melted butter–making sure to pretty much bathe each puff in it– and then cover each in cinnamon sugar.

My boyfriend heard the phrase “cinnamon sugar” and promptly strolled into the kitchen, presumably to help. When I was done dipping the first one, he popped it into his mouth. I didn’t get a reaction, so I assumed he hated them. Then he started dipping and sugaring these and immediately eating them. I was relieved. Then I ate one.

Welcome back my wonky thumb!

Wow. These are spectacular. Remember how I described what I thought they’d be like? Well, I was wrong. These are more like a mash-up of a cake, a muffin, a doughnut and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Which is to say, THEY’RE EVEN BETTER THAN I IMAGINED THEY’D BE.

Also, there’s an added bonus: we had a lot of cinnamon sugar left over, which we quickly threw into an empty salt shaker for toast/pancakes/directly onto our tongues (don’t hate). It’s the gift that keeps on giving, people. It just keeps on giving.

Categories
Cakes Desserts with Fruit Fancy Pantsy Grown Up People Desserts Stuff Your Parents Would Like

I Made A Lemon Layer Cake…There. Can I Hide Now?

A very happy happy much-needed Happy Sunday. Yes. We colored Easter eggs. Jealous?

Methinks it might be time to take another hiatus from the blog. I’m in serious need of a break from, well, everything. If I had it my way that break from everything would entail me burrowing into a hole made of downy blankets (a blanket fort, perhaps?) and only emerging upon hearing the words “you’re rich, you’re awesome, it’s a sunny 75 degrees outside and we’re going to a Glen Hansard show…with Glen Hansard.” I’m not even just saying any of this for dramatic effect. I’d very much like to go into hibernation mode for, oh, a couple of seasons or so. In fact, when my best friend asked me what I wanted to do after I told her about my dilemma, my answer was “hide.” When she asked me what else I wanted to do, I responded with “um…hide for a long time?” I believe that was the incorrect answer.

I’ve been under some serious stress lately. As I described to my best friend (poor girl basically got slammed with Shibow drama), I feel like I’m both totally stuck and going a mile a minute and the same exact time. Quarter life crisis returns! It must be an April thing.

Maybe you, dear readers, can help me. Allow me to post a series of questions that I hope at least one of you will be able to assist me in answering:

1. What am I meant to do with my life?

2. Where should I hide in case I no one comes up with the answer to #1?

3. Who the hell is Gotye?

4. Does anyone know anyone who’s really good at cutting curly hair? And I don’t mean kind of good or “here’s what Google says.” I mean, do you have curly hair and did you go to an awesome hairdresser and do you now look like a ringlet-covered goddess?

5. Seriously, can someone help me figure out what to DO with my life?

As I’ve said before, it’s not as if something big and bad has happened recently. I’m just Sad Shibow, and I’m not having fun. Oh, one more question:

6. WHAT IS FUN????

Yeah, so, I just need to snap out of it, I guess. And anyway, just because I’m sad doesn’t mean Easter doesn’t exist and doesn’t require some baked goods. For an Easter Sunday party at my cousin’s new [beautiful!] digs, I decided to whip up a lemon layer cake with lemon curd and blueberries. Now, as you can probably see if you’ve clicked on the link, this is a Martha Stewart recipe. I need to be honest: I’m not a huge fan of this lady. It’s not a Stamos-level hatred or anything. It’s more of a fear. A suspicion. And to be honest, after you see how this cake turned out, I think you’ll agree that my feelings toward her are justified.

Lemon Layer Cake That Does Not Have As Many Layers As You’d Expect It To

For the cake

1 1/4 cups of all purpose flour

1 tablespoon of baking powder

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1/2 cup plus two tablespoons of granulated sugar

1/2 cup of skim milk

1/3 cup of canola oil

1 1/2 teaspoons of vanilla extract

Zest of one lemon, plus one tablespoon of fresh lemon juice

4 egg whites

1 tablespoon of confectioner’s sugar, optional

For the lemon curd

4 egg yolks, lightly beaten

Zest of half a lemon, plus half a cup of fresh lemon juice (the juice of about two and a half lemons…boy do I hope you have a juicer. I do not.)

1 1/3 cups of granulated sugar

1/3 cup of cornstarch

Pinch of salt

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1 1/2 cups of fresh blueberries

Preheat your oven to 350ºF, and grease two 8″ round cake pans. In a medium-sized bowl, sift together flour, baking powder and salt and set aside. In a larger bowl, whisk together 1/4 cup of your sugar, milk, oil, vanilla, lemon zest and lemon juice.

Now, in a bowl large enough to fit your egg whites, whip the whites with a hand or stand mixer until foamy, then slowly start to add the rest of your sugar until stiff peaks appear.

Add half of your dry mixture to the milk mixture and stir in until smooth. Add in half of the egg white mixture, then keep alternating between adding the dry mixture and the egg whites until everything’s incorporated. Divide the batter between your pans and bake until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean, about 18 minutes. Let the cakes cool in their pans for about 10 minutes, then invert them onto a clean surface to cool completely.

Pre-baked. Spoiler alert: these barely rose at all. 😦

In the meantime, make your lemon curd. Place egg yolks in a medium heatproof bowl, and set aside. In a medium saucepan, whisk together lemon zest, sugar, cornstarch and salt. Add in the lemon juice plus 1 1/2 cups of water, stir until sugar has dissolved, and crank the heat on your stove up to medium-high. Bring to a boil, and keep whisking. Cook for about two minutes, then reduce the heat to medium-low. Slowly pour about one-third of your lemon mixture into the bowl of egg yolks. Basically, you’re tempering your yolks so that you don’t end up with scrambled egg lemon curd. If that’s your thing though, go for it. Also, if that’s your thing…gross. Add this mixture back into your saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring all the while, for about 3 more minutes. Remove the mixture from heat, stir in your vanilla, and place in a heatproof bowl. Cover with plastic wrap and cool completely, for at least an hour and for as long as a day. When cooled, stir in your blueberries.

Just so you know, I am so damn happy I know how to make lemon curd now. It's delicious. I'm putting it on everything.

Now, to assemble this beast.  I’m getting a little bit of anxiety just typing this right now. In fact, I’ve been avoiding it for a while because my creation– at first– turned out to be a disappointment. First, the cakes were not nearly as thick as they should have been. They were pretty flat, and there was no way that I could think of to slice them in half to be even thinner. I pouted for a while before enlisting the help of my boyfriend who, bless him, pretty much has surgeon’s hands and likely would have been able to perfectly halve this thing in a sandstorm.

Oh, but dear readers, guess what else I discovered? Not only is the man good with cutting up the cake. It turns out he’s a master decorator as well.

Yes, I did leave this to him.

And, at the risk of embarrassing him, let me tell you that he got pretty into this. I could not stop repeatedly thanking him and saying “you made it pretty. It was ugly…and then you made it pretty.” Dude’s got talent.

Anyway, I should probably tell you how to do this and quit the fawning. Fawning’s lame. So, cut each cake horizontally in half, or, you know, find someone who can do this and still keep your cake intact. Spread a thick coating of curd over the bottom layer, then stack until you’re at the top. Smooth out any messy bits, and top with a dusting of confectioner’s sugar, or spread a bit more lemon curd on top and add a few blueberries. (This was the man’s brilliant idea.)

I don’t have a better picture of this cake than this, mostly because I walked away as it was being decorated because I was bummed at how flat it turned out. Everyone seemed to really love it at Easter, and we even took a piece home that very, very quickly disappeared. So even though it wasn’t as plump or easy to work with as I would have liked, and even though I’m convinced Ms. Stewart sabotaged me somehow, we ended up with a pretty lovely dessert. Seems like you got got, MS.

Categories
Cakes Chocolate Cheer Classic Favorites

Caked Up, But Not Really, But It’s Really Good Cake

As I’d mentioned in my last post, I did not want to make this cake. There are so many reasons, but basically this unwillingness to bake boils down to a combination of exhaustion, laziness, and downright super sadness. I know this is supposed to be the blog in which I bake in order to rid myself of the blues, but I was too down to even get my ingredients in order.

So what happened, you ask? Nothing really, I guess. Like I’ve said before though, I feel like things have just stalled a little too much for my liking. I’m not really sure where my skills lie anymore, and after those Samoa bars turned out less than amazing, I started to even wonder whether or not I could successfully make anything. I know that sounds like quite the exaggeration, and I know that there are worse things than realizing you screwed up a Girl Scout cookie recipe, but lots of other things have happened, and lots of other things have not happened (ooo, cryptic), and and and… and I’m just a little down right now. Sigh.

I decided to try and engage in a little bit of online retail therapy to heal myself. Below is a brief timeline detailing how this worked out:

11:00am: What’s a shortcake basket? It sure doesn’t look like a basket. I guess it could be classified as a dozen little baskets nestled in one big pan. But I still don’t get it. I should buy it and find out what it is. Then I can blog about something I made using my shortcake basket. I am going to add this to my cart.

11:05am: I would look so cool in a bomber jacket. I should try to find a bomber jacket.

11:10am: I’ve got no right to wear a bomber jacket.

11:11am: I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller.

11:30am: What the hell is a shortcake basket and why is it in my checkout cart?! DELETE.

Yeah. So… let’s just make a damn cake.

This recipe was taken from an amazing Betty Crocker cookbook that three of my wonderful friends gave me as a birthday present last year. I cannot tell you how much I love this thing.

Chocolate Cake That’s Impossible to Screw Up Taste-Wise, But Very Possible To Screw Up Looks-Wise

2 1/4 cups of all-purpose flour

1 2/3 cups of granulated sugar

2/3 cup of cocoa powder

1 teaspoon of salt

1/4 teaspoon of baking powder

1 1/4 cups of water

3/4 cup of butter, softened

2 eggs

1 teaspoon of vanilla

Grease either a 9×13″ cake pan or two 8″ round pans and set aside. Preheat your oven to 350ºF.

And now, this is kind of why I love this cake: you just throw everything into a bowl and get mixing. Oh, you also put on an apron and/or your least-favorite articles of clothing. Lastly, you hide your very-neat boyfriend/roommate/parents/pet who would tremble at the sight of a chocolate-covered kitchen. Mix in a large bowl on high speed until smooth and creamy, then divide the batter evenly between pans. Bake for 30 to 35 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center of cake comes out with a few crumbs sticking to it. Let cakes cool in the pan for 10 minutes, then invert them onto wire racks to cool completely.

Creamy Vanilla Frosting (makes enough to frost an 8″ 2-layer cake or a 9×13″ sheet cake)

3 cups of powdered sugar

1/3 cup of softened butter

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1 to 2 tablespoons of milk, plus more milk than that because this recipe is trippin’ if it thinks all you need is a couple of tablespoons of milk. Just keep it nearby is what I’m saying.

As you can probably tell, I had some issues with this frosting. I’m sure there were screw-ups on my part, because it didn’t come out terribly fluffy. It tasted damn good…but still. Anyway, make sure your butter is REALLY soft. Using a hand mixer on medium speed, combine it with your powdered sugar until fluffy, then add in vanilla and one tablespoon of milk, then slowly add in your other tablespoon of milk if you think the frosting isn’t soft enough. I’m pretty sure you’re going to need more milk, especially since my frosting started to stick to my cake and YANK CHUNKS OF CAKE OFF. Grrr. Anyway, yeah, be careful.

Want to hear some more lame stuff that happened? Apparently I don’t know how to slice a cake horizontally, so mine looked a tiny bit jacked up. But let me tell you what you should do: pick one of your chocolate cakes to use as your bottom layer. To flatten the top of it, carefully and slowly saw through the very top using a serrated knife. Don’t just hack at it because you’re mad at life. If you’re mad at life and end up hacking at it a little bit, use your frosting to cover up your mistakes. Use a rubber spatula and get spreading. Top with the other cake, then spread frosting all over the cake. I can’t tell you how to do it so it looks pretty, BECAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO IT SO IT LOOKS PRETTY. See below.

Hot mess, wouldn’t you say? After frosting this, I had a bit of a meltdown and threatened to throw this cake into the garbage with the fake Samoas I had made, “so that these two failures could make sweet love in trashland.” Yes, I was angry. But do you know how angry I was after I cut into this thing and took a bite?

Wait for it…

….Wait for it

…I WAS NOT ANGRY AT ALL. I was only grateful that I decided to taste this thing before destroying it. It is, hands down, the best chocolate cake I have ever made. It’s soft, crumbly, chocolatey and well worth the effort. This is a go-to, fail-proof chocolate cake. Make this, dear friends. Make this, learn how to decorate it, and make me proud.