Category: Classic Favorites

Categories
Classic Favorites Cookies Sort of Healthy

I Am Sad Shibow. And I Blame Stamos.

And I thought last week sucked.

The past few days have been particularly rough on me. I got super-dissed by a certain someone whom I thought was a solid individual, I am stressing about my future, and I randomly cried the other day because I couldn’t find 51st street. I work in Midtown! How out of it must I have been?! Then I saw this on television, and it all came together:

STAMOS! This man, has, at various points in my short life, conspired with nature and my other enemies (I have many, but I count David Blaine and the cobra from the Bronx Zoo among them) to mess with me. I know you think I’m joking, but I am not. I distinctly remember being an eight year old nursing a broken wrist and watching Uncle Jesse smugly breeze through episode after episode of Full House. He and his perfectly functional arms and ridiculous mullet and creepy half-smile were constantly mocking me. I had one of the worst fevers I’ve ever had in 2006 (I only remember this because that was a BAD year) and recall being curled up on my couch mindlessly staring at STAMOS on an episode of ER. Guess what? That was a 24-hour bug! Really! I also remember weeping over a sad breakup last year to an episode of Glee. I don’t watch that thing anymore, and I bet you all know why. That girl who damaged my back and psyche? She’s probably related to him. The Stamos giveth, so the Stamos must goeth away.

At first I thought that maybe I would bake something with ingredients Stamos is allergic to, so I researched his IMDB page (No, I am not linking to it.). I found out he is a fellow drummer, so I am thinking he is trying to kill me off since I am competition. Then I realized that I was giving him too much power by doing all this research and decided to just make whatever I felt like making. I felt like making cookies. And I felt like making them up based on what I happened to have at my disposal, mostly because bad things happen when you go outside.

I have a bunch of those instant oatmeal packets that I bought last year for a dollar when I was really jobless and really poor. This brand is way too sweet for me, so I abandoned the whole box in favor of other cheap breakfast foods. I don’t believe in throwing out perfectly edible items, but I do believe in making cookies out of them. So I made up a recipe.

Week From Hell Instant Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies

3/4 cup of butter, softened (I used Smart Balance for baking because it’s all I had. You can make fun of me later)

1/2 cup of brown sugar

1/2 cup of granulated sugar (I used turbinado sugar because I’m classy like that)

1 egg white

1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1/2 teaspoon of baking soda

1 cup of whole wheat flour

big pinch of salt

3 instant oatmeal packets that you know you have lying in a cabinet somewhere (I used 2 apples & cinnamon and 1 cinnamon spice )

1/2 cup of dark chocolate chips, more if you’re feeling crazy

Preheat the oven (whoa!) to 350°F.

So yeah, as you can see from the ingredients, I tried to make these kind of healthy. They’re delicious though, I promise. In a large bowl, combine butter, sugar and vanilla until mixed. Beat in the egg white, then add the baking soda, flour and salt until fully combined. Stir in each packet of oatmeal and get mixing. Fold in the chocolate chips and you’ve got your batter.

Drop tablespoon-sized portions onto a cookie sheet, and throw them into the oven for 11-13 minutes. 11 minutes exactly worked for me. Let them cool and then dig in. Mine were yummy, obviously. I had a couple as part of my balanced breakfast (I mean, there is oatmeal in them). They really perked me up until I found out that Mark-Paul Gosselaar was getting married to some chick who isn’t me. Yet another dark day.

Are you guys getting tired of my hand yet?

By the way, on Thursday I wiped out on a New York City sidewalk (thanks for stifling laughs while not helping me up, fellow pedestrians), and now my ankle really hurts. I shake my fist at you, Stamos! You’ll never break me.

Categories
Chocolate Cheer Classic Favorites Easy Baking No-Bake Recipes

I Married People! That Was Awesome. The Rest of the Week Was Not Awesome.

Grab your hankies, kids. It’s about to get serious up in here. I’d mentioned in an earlier post that I would be officiating two weddings as part of a Pop-Up Chapel. Welp, that day has come and gone. So how’d it go?

It’ll remain with me forever as one of the best days I have ever had. Really. The sun was out in full-force, Dave Holmes was MC-ing, and there were 24 lovely couples lookin’ to get hitched. Does it get any better? Well, maybe. I didn’t really sleep the night before, so I suppose the day would have been better if my sister didn’t have to deal with me making nonsensical observations about denim or randomly bursting into crazed fits of laughter. I somehow managed to pull myself together in time for both ceremonies, though.

I look like I'm sleeping standing up, right? I probably needed to.

If you want to read a bit on the day, you can click here and here. Yes, that is my mug in both, and no, I did not know that I would be featured. NY1 apparently aired two segments that I happened to be in (I officiated the first wedding) several times an hour on Saturday. I am so glad I didn’t know there would be that many news outlets at the wedding, because if I had, I think I would have stuttered and stumbled myself into one hot minister mess.  But man, did I love my couples! Both were adorable and incredibly loving with one another. Being the individual responsible for joining two people forever made me see marriage in a way I hadn’t really before. Who knows if it’s for me or not (sorry My Parents, but really, who knows), but now I think I  get why people do it. Rock on, marrieds! You’ve made me a believer. You’ve also apparently made me a hippie, judging by the philosopicals I now be droppin’.

So, while that Saturday was absolutely lovely, the rest of my week was not, for many reasons. I don’t really think on my feet, and the past few days brought me several back-to-back, rug’s-been-pulled-and-now-you’re-kind-of-screwed moments, which I’m assuming have contributed to my still feeling exhausted and dazed more than a week after the weddings. Sleepy Shibow = Cranky, Lazy, Sad Shibow. I needed sweets, I needed ’em quickly, and I needed ’em easy. So I made a cake in my microwave. And it took less time to make it than it’s taking to write about it.

Yes, you can make a cake in your microwave, and if you’re oven-phobic for the summer like I am, you should make a cake in your microwave. You probably already know about this if you had an Easy Bake Oven in the ’90s, but hopefully you’re a grown up now with a big girl appliance. Let’s be real though– this cake will serve a party of one, so all the better if you’re riding solo. Screw the calming cup of tea and have yourself a heaping mug of cake.

Microwave Chocolate Cake

1/4 cup of all purpose flour

3 tablespoons of sugar

2 tablespoons of cocoa powder

3 tablespoons of milk

1 egg

3 tablespoons of vegetable oil

The tiniest drop of vanilla extract

The tiniest pinch of cayenne pepper, if you like a kick to your cake

Easy as pie. Except it's cake. Whatever.

So, are you ready to make this sucker? Sure? It’ll take everything in you. Actually, it will take one free hand. Whisk together all of the above ingredients in a large mug. If I were you, I’d go in order, mixing all the dry ingredients first and then adding in the wet ones. And make sure the egg’s fully incorporated unless you’d like chocolate scrambled egg cake. That’d be new…and nasty.

Throw it into your microwave for two minutes or until it starts to puff up. The end. Oh, eat. Then the end.

I did stand in front of the microwave for the full two minutes, and I know my microwave window needs cleaning. I am bad.

So it’s a chewy cake, FYI. Remember how I mentioned Easy Bake Ovens? Well, that’s the sort of cake you’ll be dealing with, so if you’re into light and fluffy, this will not be your cup o’ cake. But if you’re cool with dense and rich and need your chocolate fix now, this will do pretty freaking well in a pinch. Next time I’ll probably add some chocolate chips for extra gooeyness. For now, I’m going to have a seat, a mug of cake and a good cry beer.

Here comes the choco-plane... I know that's not funny. 😦
Categories
Chocolate Cheer Classic Favorites

Discovering Myself…Just Kidding! It’s a Peanut Butter Fudge Post

Last year I decided I needed to find myself, so I took a little trip down to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina alone. Yes, alone. I know you’re jealous. One day, while I was sitting on a pier overlooking the gorgeous beach and reading a David Sedaris book, a man who was probably my dad’s age told me two jokes, recited one Bible verse (which I at first thought was a third joke), and then asked me how I felt about older men. I nervously giggled, mumbled the word “boyfriend” and ran to the nearest safe place: a gourmet chocolate shop.

View from the pier. Apparently quite the happenin' pick up spot for older gents.

Said chocolate shop contained an assortment of goodies. I probably bought half the store in my delirium. No, this is not true. Clive Owen could have asked me out and I would have bought out that shop…and served the goodies at my and Clive’s wedding reception.

The most memorable item I purchased was a half-pound of chocolate peanut butter swirl fudge that never quite made it onto the plane back to Killa Queens (Because I devoured it, not because airport security confiscated it. The Man can’t bring me down.) I’m sure I won’t be able to replicate it, but I’ve got a jar of vanilla-cranberry peanut butter that needs using. It’s a little too vanilla-y or berry-y or something-y for my taste, but I imagine the sweetness will work well in a fudge recipe, especially if I reduce the amount of added sugar. I also need to get rid of this jar of useless nothing because I really, really don’t like the taste and it’s taking up precious pantry real estate.

Anyway, I decided to try to find a recipe to guide me on my journey, but nothing really struck my fancy-pantsy. Corn syrup kinda bugs me and sweetened condensed milk would be too sweet for this jar of fragrant-candle-scented PB I’m using. (I know I am hating hard on this jar. But it’s not good. Please don’t try it. It will not enhance your peanut butter and jelly sammies. No matter what shapes you cut them into.) So, I decided to do things my own way. As you will see, this consisted of me shoving a bunch of ingredients into a heatproof bowl, licking a lot of wooden spoons, and crossing my fingers. I highly recommend this process. Let’s get cookin’!

Doesn't that jar of "PB" just look menacing and evil?

Chocolate Peanut Butter Fudge That Did Not Swirl Even Though I Wish It Had

1 tablespoon of butter

2/3 cup of evaporated milk

1 cup of semi-sweet chocolate chips

1 1/2 tablespoons of cocoa powder

1 cup of brown sugar

1 1/4 cup of vanilla and cranberry all-natural peanut butter, made by Archer Farms for God only knows what reason

Yeah, that title has a story behind it, which you’ll read if you stick around long enough. Oh, also, this recipe would also work well if you subbed in any of that not all-natural peanut butter… the Jiff, Skippy, Reese’s, whatevs. Because there is a ton of added sugar in all of those jars, it’d be better to keep the rest of the sweetness to a minimum, or you will have chatty children or zombified adults on your hands for a good three hours. No one wants this.

On to to the fudge. Combine butter, milk, chocolate, cocoa and brown sugar in a saucepan over medium heat. For a few minutes, it will look like refried beans and you will crave tacos. Seriously. There’s no way this has only happened to me. Stir occasionally until the mixture comes to a boil.

Donde esta el arroz?

Remove from heat, then pour the mixture into an 8×8 inch square pan (You can line the pan in foil if you’d like, but no one’s going to kill you if you don’t. I mean, if someone does kill you, I’m really sorry. But you should find more even-tempered friends). Stir in the peanut butter, which, if you’ve got my luck, will suddenly be a pain to scoop out of the stupid jar. Luckily, once you’re able to get it all out, it should spread fairly easily, given the heat of the chocolate mixture. Try to use a spoon or knife to create a “swirl” effect. I tried and failed. Hence the recipe title. Great story, right?

Chill the fudge in the freezer for at least four hours. Truth be told, this didn’t completely set for me as a fudge. It would, and will, make a terrific ice cream topping, but it’s not super sturdy or anything. Surprisingly, it is delicious, and the peanut butter I was stuck with really shone. I’d still sooner take another solo trip to the dirty south than mess with it again, though.

Droopy, peanut-buttery goodness
Categories
Classic Favorites Rainbow Cookies

Sad Shibow Sees a Rainbow [Cookie]

This is here just because I had a dirty, ratty, hand-me-down Rainbow Brite doll when I was a child

For Christmas last year, I gave my cousin’s son Ben a Moon Dough Barnyard Kit. When Ben opened his present, he yelled out “Moon Dough! It never dries out!” Adorable. Does everyone know what Moon Dough is? It’s supposed to be Play-Doh’s neater sibling, but it has a very odd texture and apparently it still ends up being pretty messy and annoying. I did not know this, but was informed by Ben’s mom, Laura. Laura also recommended that I bake rainbow cookies for the blog, and since those are one of the most annoying recipes known to woman, I’m thinking this is some sort of payback. Well played, cousin.

Also, I have a lot of cousins, right?

So, anyway, around Thanksgiving every year (Holiday theme! Hooray!) I turn into a super baker. I am not nearly this productive at any other time in the year in any way, but for some reason, a week before the big day, the transformation takes and I go bonkers. I made these a couple years ago with so-so results. I should say that I was at my parents’ house and, as I’ve mentioned, Mom and Dad don’t measure. I should also tell you that this is when I attempted to make that baklava I spoke of in an earlier post. So maybe no more baking at their place.

These cookies are really involved, temperamental divas. Seriously. They, like, NEED to be bright and colorful, they NEED to cool and compress in the fridge overnight and the layers absolutely must be baked separately. The nerve, right? Well, some divas have earned the right to be divas, and these cookies are in my top two of all-time favorites. They are absolutely worth the trouble. How do I know this? I know this because after screwing these up once, I cowgirl’d up and tried, tried again.

Here’s what you’ll need:

8 ounces of almond filling (much moister and easier to work with than almond paste)

1 cup of softened butter

1 cup of granulated sugar

4 eggs, separated

2 cups of all-purpose flour

6 drops of red food coloring

6 drops of green food coloring

1/2 cup of seedless raspberry jam

1 cup of semisweet chocolate chips

Let’s you and I first talk about what I did, so that I can tell you what you should do. Since I was also making these as birthday treats for friends, I decided to space out the baking process a bit so that I could get these done during the work week. I combined the almond filling with the butter, sugar and egg yolks, whipped the whites in a separate bowl, folded the whites back in, then threw the mixture into the refrigerator. The next night I divided the mixture into three equal parts, colored two thirds of the dough– one red, one green– spread the green mixture into a pan and threw that layer into the oven.

FAILURE.

When I pulled out the green layer, my heart sank. It was bubbly, limp, slimy and very, very green. Like, Super Mario Bros. Mushroom Kingdom grass green. And this was all I could think. I couldn’t figure it out. What had I done wrong? Butter, sugar, eggs, food coloring, fl–

Oh.

I forgot the flour. THE FLOUR. I wanted to cry, but I was meeting friends for a sushi dinner. So I couldn’t cry. I could only eat sushi.

The next night, I re-bought most of what I needed. So now, we are going to talk about what YOU need to do to avoid looking like a chump.

Now, you can either grease three 9×13 inch pans (That’s if you’re oven is big enough to handle three of these at once, in which case, why do you live in a pizzeria?), or grease one to use throughout the process, which is what I did. Line the bottom of the pan with enough parchment paper to lift the layers out. Preheat your oven to 350°F.

Combine the almond filling, softened butter, and egg yolks in one bowl. Mix until fully incorporated. In a separate bowl, whip the egg whites until soft peaks begin to form. Once they are fluffy, fold the whites into the butter/almond/sugar mixture until everything is fully mixed. Now, I may get slammed by purists for saying this, but in my opinion, you don’t necessarily have to beat the whites separately. Doing so is supposed to make the cookie lighter and moister, but I didn’t really notice a difference. You can just add the whole eggs to your butter/sugar/almond mixture and save yourself time and trouble. Finally, stir in the flour until a dough forms. Duh, a dough should form. Wonder why this didn’t tip me off the first time around. Anyway…

Divide the mixture evenly among three bowls. To one bowl, add six drops of red food coloring (more if you like a more vibrate red), and mix in the color until the dough is pinkish. Add your green to another bowl, and leave the third untouched.

This one has flour in it. Only took me one wasted batch to figure out THAT was necessary.

If you’re using separate pans, spread one portion into each pan. If you’re using one pan for the whole thing, start with the green layer. Spread it evenly into your pan. Don’t worry if it doesn’t spread completely, since it will when it bakes. Throw the pan/pans into the oven for 10 to 12 minutes, until the edges are slightly browned and the center looks set.

Again, if you’re using one pan, once the green layer is set, pull it out of the oven, flip it onto a cookie sheet, lay more parchment paper into the pan (which will be hot, so cuidado), and spread the uncolored layer out. Throw this one into the oven. I’d pop the green layer into the freezer to speed up cooling in the meantime.

After a few minutes, pull the green layer out and spread a healthy layer of jam over it. Go crazy, if you please. Once the middle layer is done, you can take it out, flip it onto the green layer, and spread the last, red portion into your pan. Pop this into the oven, and let the other two cool before spreading more jam over the uncolored layer. Once the red layer is done, flip it onto the top. I wouldn’t worry about layering these portions perfectly. They’re likely not even all going to come out in the exact same shape. Once the whole cookie is cooled, you can cut around the edges to “clean” them up if you please. Let’s be honest– mine looked like a Jenga game gone wrong at first.

Once cooled and cut, wrap the almost-finished product in foil or plastic wrap, place a heavy object (like a cast iron skillet) on top of it to compress the layers, and place the whole contraption in the fridge for a few hours. Allrecipes says eight hours, I say ridonkulous, and got away with having these in there for three hours. Take that, world.

In the meantime, melt your chocolate chips at 15-second increments in the microwave. You can add a touch of butter to make this easier to work with, which I always advocate. Spread the chocolate mixture evenly over the top layer, then let it cool in the refrigerator for about an hour. You can then cut these into squares, rectangles, octagons, octopi, whatevs.

Absolutely worth every ounce of effort.
Categories
Classic Favorites Cookies

Birthday Treats For My Brothers From Anothers Mothers

Two of my best friends are turning 25 this Sunday. Jeff and Jeremy (hi friends!) are twin brothers who have put up with me for over a decade. Not only have they put up with me, they still hang out with me! Remember when I told you that I stalked Glen Hansard? Well, these two were with me. Actually, they were half a block away and hiding from me, but both of them still wanted to be friends with me after I harassed the poor man. Also, for my birthday, they got me a New York Giants jersey (#10, Eli Manning, may the Heavens bless his adorable soul), which I have been wanting and creepily trying on at various sporting goods stores for years. They’re the best. Anyway, I love these guys, and I bake for those I love, so get ready for some cookies, homeboys!

I scammed both guys into giving me a “top 3” list of their all-time favorite cookies. I think I told them I was doing research for a future post, and since they both know me as a massive dork, they believed this lie. I am a good friend.

Jeff mentioned loving rainbow cookies, which are also, as I’ve mentioned, in my top two, so rainbow cookies I shall bake. Look for that post in the next couple of days. He also mentioned salted cookies and the classic chocolate chip variety. Jeremy picked chocolate chip as well and told me he loved Pepperidge Farm cookies. I remembered him specifically requesting that I try to make their Geneva cookies when I first started the blog.

So, I decided to pare the list down to these three: rainbow cookies, chocolate chip cookies with sea salt and “Geneva” cookies. The quotation marks are there for two reasons: 1. These are obviously ripoff cookies and 2. Insurance, in case the cookies suck. I guess, though, that if they suck, the quotations should be around the word cookies. But I digress…

Let’s start with the Geneva cookies, since those will prove to be the more challenging of the two (oh, but wait until you hear my rainbow cookie story people). I wanted to get the cookie as close to the original recipe as possible without having to break laws or jaws. Judging by the ingredients, this looks like a shortbread cookie made with cornstarch. Since I don’t have thiamin or soy lecithin at my disposal (what the…), I decided to go with a simpler, more classic recipe. Allrecipes to the rescue!

I halved the recipe to make room for the other treats that hopefully all come out perfectly. Here’s what you’ll need for a dozen:

1/2 cup of butter, softened

1/4 cup of confectioners’ sugar

2 tablespoons of cornstarch

3/4 cup of all-purpose flour

Have your oven preheated to 375°F. Also, have your patience level preheated to like nine thousand. Yes, kids, it’s story time.

So I whipped the butter with an electric mixer until it was nice and fluffy, like you’re supposed to. This was easy, as I do it all the time. Adding in the sugar was also pretty simple. Next up was the cornstarch. Still fine. Then the flour. THEN THE ANNOYANCE. It takes forever to get this to look anything like a dough. At first it looks like cereal. Then it looks like cereal. Then, ten minutes later, it looks like cereal. This dough is very crumb-y and delicate, so if after decades of mixing, you find yourself with results similar to mine, I recommend getting into this with clean hands and working it into an actual dough. Also, as I said, this is pretty fragile, so I suggest wrapping it up in wax paper and throwing it in the refrigerator for an hour or two to firm it up a bit. Any longer and the dough will harden, and you will have to wait another three or four hours to get it just right.

Instead of rolling mine into balls, I decided to cut them into elephants. Why elephants? Elephants are my favorite animal. I do not know why, so do not ask me. They just rule,  so send along anything that has elephants on it, so that I may add it to my quirky-and-not-at-all-sad collection. Most of my friends already have (including the twins, who gave me a bamboo plant in an elephant-shaped pot as a housewarming present).

Remember how I said this dough was delicate? Homegirl wasn’t messing. You need to be careful with this stuff. It’s not as tough as most cookie dough, most likely because they are egg-less and filled with cornstarch, which lightens these up like crazy. After several rolling pin vs. fragile dough matches, I cut out my shapes, sent these into the oven for ten minutes, and finally ended up with these:

Cute, right? I thought so. I even went to pet one, and the trunk broke off. So, um, refrigerate them for a really long time before you handle them. Even after they’ve cooled, you need to be very careful with them. A few of these soldiers lost legs. Poor suckers.

Now, Geneva cookies have a layer of dark chocolate and are topped with chopped pecans. I melted 1/4 cup of semisweet chocolate chips with 1 teaspoon of butter at 15-second increments, then slowwwwly spread the melted mixture over each cookie with a butter knife. Then I sprinkled nuts over the cookies like a brown, frustrated fairy godmother.

Thoughts?

These don’t really still look like elephants, do they? Man, I have some serious issues frosting my animals. (Is “frosting your animal” a euphemism? I should Urban Dictionary that one to make sure.). Anyway, they taste good, but I’m not sure they measure up to the real deal. I’ll let the boys decide.

On to the chocolate chip cookies with sea salt. I love messing around with classic chocolate chip cookie recipes. I actually have my own special secret recipe. It’s probably not too different from anything that’s out there in the big bad world, but I am still going to call it my secret recipe because it makes me sound cool. It does right? Anyway, I’d heard of a recipe that replaced butter with olive oil, which gave the cookies more depth of flavor. This intrigued me, so I decided to sub some of the butter in my recipe for the oil. Here’s what I came up with:

1 1/3 cup of all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon of baking soda

1 teaspoon of sea salt, plus more for sprinkling

1 cup of brown sugar

1/2 cup of butter

1/4 cup of olive oil

1 egg

1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract

As many chocolate chips as your heart desires, because Sad Shibow does not believe in limits (I used a little over half a bag of Ghirardelli Semisweet Chips)

Preheat the oven to 350°F. In a small bowl, sift together the flour, baking soda and sea salt. In a larger bowl, cream together the butter, sugar and oil until fully combined. The mixture will be pretty soft and gooey. Add in the egg and vanilla. When all the wet ingredients are fully mixed, add in the flour mixture. After everything’s completely combined, fold in your chocolate chips.

Because I’ve been working on all these cookies over the course of a couple of days, I refrigerated this dough overnight. It’s a little easier to work with when the dough is colder, since it can be formed into balls that will stay firm and not spread or melt on you. This will lead to less frustration, and if you’ve just spent most of your night trying to keep elephant cookies intact, you will appreciate this.

Before I continue, may I just say that the addition of olive oil really elevates these cookies? Seriously, I felt so classy making these. Anyway, sprinkle a touch of sea salt over each cookie, then send these into your hot oven for 10-11 minutes, until the tops are slightly browned.

So, as you can see, there is an odd number of cookies on my cookie sheet. I can’t give one twin more cookies than the other. That would just be rude. To keep myself from having to choose, obviously I ate one. And I enjoyed it. Again, I am a good friend.

I swung by my local bakery and bought two cake boxes to place the cookies in (At 50 cents total!), to up the presentation factor a little. I hope it worked. Anyway, happy birthday friends! To another couple of awesome quarter-centuries.