Category: Grown Up People Desserts

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Cakes Fancy Pantsy Grown Up People Desserts Holiday desserts

Crippling Anxiety…Oh And Pumpkin Cake…Oh And Hi Again, Guys

This is what my apartment currently looks like. It's been a week and a half since we moved in. Maybe this will explain the following paragraphs.
This is what our apartment currently looks like. It’s been a week and a half since we moved in. Maybe this will explain the following paragraphs.

I hesitated before ever stepping virtual foot on (in?) this blog again. It’s not that I hate it, or you, or baking. Quite the opposite on all points, in fact. I just sort of hate me right now. Allow me to explain.

So… wait. Now I’m not sure I want to explain. Too bad I’ve already started typing. It’s not like there’s a delete option or anything. Hashtag sarcasm? I didn’t do that correctly did I?

Okay. Here goes. I have seriously bad anxiety. I always have, but I think maybe it was something I just didn’t really feel like ever acknowledging, not because there’s anything wrong with anxiety in and of itself, but I have a whole other grab-bag of problems that have all already conspired to eff with me. I don’t know that my overloaded brain could have handled accepting this crap as well. But anyway, anxiety. Bad. Always. I used to bawl in class, outside of class, on the way home from school, if I got anything less than an A on a test. The day I got a ZERO on an Advanced Mathematics test in the fifth grade I hyperventilated so badly that I think my father avoided me for hours after I returned home, not because he was angry, but because HE was scared of ME and what my weird, crazy, totally unhealthy reaction would be. I’ve put myself in the emergency room with panic attacks like three times, I’ve cried over minor mistakes at work, and I’ve spilled boiling-hot tea over myself because my hands were shaking too badly to properly hold the cup. I have the scar to prove it. I’m ridiculous.

Uh-oh! Hilario.
Uh-oh! Hilario.

All of that is extremely humiliating to type. But since my last post, there have been a lot, and I mean a LOT of events that have caused major freak-outs on my part and possibly made other people want to slyly inject me with elephant quaaludes to S me TFU. I feel like a ton of major happenings have caused me to face all of the negative feelings I’ve ever had about myself– from my birthday to our big move into a new apartment to quite a few people I love taking major steps in their lives while I’m worried about where the f*%k to find cheap Space Bags for a bunch of unnecessary crap. Can you feel the anxious, readers?

So now I’m sitting here wondering why I typed all of that out. Hm. Well. I…don’t know? I think a part of me just wants a hug and some understanding and for people to tell me that, no, everyone does not hate me and wish ill on me (a thought that I inexplicably and irrationally carry around with me on a daily basis), and that yes, things will eventually get better. Please just don’t tell me to calm the frig down. That’s like telling a 3 year old not to eat the raw chocolate batter. I’ll eat the batter.

I am sure that not baking for OVER A MONTH (!) has contributed to my current state. Boxes and boxes of still-packed items be damned, I am ignoring you in favor of the baking ingredients I miraculously found before anything else (including my toothbrush ;)). Pumpkin cake (because AUTUMN) in a mason jar (because I unpacked those and it sounded cool), let’s be friends.

Pumpkin cake In A Jar (I made two pint-size jars. You could use the same ingredients and fit these into four pint-size jars, but since I like living on the edge I really packed the batter in there)

adapted from Serious Eats

1/3 cup of butter, softened

1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons white sugar

1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons brown sugar

2 large eggs

1 cup pumpkin puree

1/3 cup of water

1 1/2 cups of all-purpose flour

1/4 teaspoon of baking powder

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1/2 teaspoon of ground cloves

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1 cup chocolate chips, optional and super worth it

Preheat the oven to 325ºF and grease as many jars of varying sizes as you’d like to use. You can basically use any glass jar you have, but I picked pint-sized ones because they’re gigantic and I believe in generous/unrealistic single-serve portions.

Cream the butter by hand or using an electric mixer until fluffy, then add in sugars until smooth. Beat eggs in, one at a time, until fully incorporated. Stir in the pumpkin puree and water, and set aside.

In a large bowl, stir together flour, baking powder, salt and spices. Add dry mixture to the pumpkin mixture, stirring until completely combined. Add in chocolate chips if desired.

I swear I mixed this completely, just wanted to get a picture before my battery died and... I'm an excellent blogger.
I swear I mixed this completely, just wanted to get a picture before my battery died and… I’m an excellent blogger.

Pour batter evenly into jars– and keep lids and rings OFF while baking. The original recipe says to fill jars a bit more than halfway, which I would now agree with, even though I just straight up disobeyed this order when I made mine. So…don’t be alarmed by the pictures. Place either on a baking sheet or directly on oven rack, carefully, and bake for 30 minutes if you’re using tiny jars and 45 minutes if you’re using pint-size jars (use your judgment for sizes in between. For example, start watching 8-ounce jars around the 35-minute mark for doneness).

Remove from oven and let cool. If you’re not eating the cakes right away (or you’re a nice person and want to gift these to a special someone), place a square of wax paper around the top of each cake, then place lids on jars. Otherwise, just have at them mercilessly.

One of these is a blue mason jar. I felt like that needed to be stated.
One of these is a blue mason jar. I felt like that needed to be stated.

Thoughts? I mean…fancy! If I were so inclined, I’d certainly make these again, fill them just enough to close them, and ship them off to my favorite people. Expect to see more of this type of dessert here, if you can stomach all of the emo emo emo that will precede it. 😉

Categories
Desserts with Fruit Easy Baking Fancy Pantsy Grown Up People Desserts No-Bake Recipes Sort of Healthy Strange and Yummy Stuff Your Parents Would Like

Bad Things Happen In Threes. Lemonade Jellies Happen In Ramekins. I Happen…To Be Freaking Out.

Last weekend I was strolling along the Hudson River with my boyfriend when the skies opened up and dumped a monsoon on us. Fortunately, there was a random tent nearby that we and a bunch of other drenched pedestrians discovered at precisely the right moment. The rain lasted about ten minutes, and then this happened.

rainbow

That, I thought, was a signal that all would be fine.

Instead, it ended up being a semicircular, multicolored middle finger directed squarely at me.

I’m not sure how comfortable I am talking about the exact three bad things that have happened. There may be even more than three, but typing them all out might result in me freaking out even more than I already have in the past, oh, six weeks or so. Yep. Six weeks of on-and-off nonsense.

This past week has been one of the most trying I’ve experienced in about seven years. I’ve had to deal with disturbed individuals whom I’ve never met contacting me through this blog, using something that’s very dear to me to basically, well, harass. You all know how well I deal with scary fools coming after me. It’s not cool. Plus, I am a boring person. Trust. I am also sort of broke, really quiet and pretty reserved until I am hungry or SUUUUPER pissed off. There is really nothing to be gained from randomly lobbing the crazy this way. So, if you’re reading this with the sole purpose of, I don’t know, being mean or causing trouble, this way to the egress.

Sylvapotamus has left the country for the week, leaving me stranded and lost and even sadder than I would be had she not left. Somebody help! Tell me a joke. A good one. Or a bad one, I don’t care. Just give me something to work with, people! I’ll give you a delicious, healthy, addictive dessert in return!

Basil Lemonade Jellies (makes six 1/2 cup servings)

adapted from Serious Eats

3/4 cup of freshly-squeezed lemon juice (about 4 to 5 large lemons)

1/2 cup of sugar

1 1/2 cups of basil leaves, loosely packed

1/2 cup of no-pulp orange juice

3 teaspoons of powdered gelatin

Fresh whipped cream or ice cream to serve, optional

6 small basil leaves for garnish, optional

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In a medium-sized saucepan, stir together lemon juice, 1 1/2 cups of water, and sugar over medium heat until the mixture reaches a boil. Stir until the sugar completely dissolves.

Tear basil leaves roughly and place in a small glass or metal bowl. Pour lemon juice mixture over basil leaves and let steep for at least 15 minutes.

Pour orange juice in a small saucepan and sprinkle gelatin over the top. Let sit for five minutes, then place pan over medium heat, stirring until gelatin is dissolved. Remove from heat.

Strain the basil out of the lemon juice mixture and stir juice into the gelatin-OJ mixture. Pour into six small ramekins or a 1-quart dish. Refrigerate until softly set, at least two hours, then serve, either with ice cream or whipped cream. I recommend ice cream. Or nothing. Or just not even thinking about it and going to town on these.

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So I cut the sugar down from what the original recipe called for, and I am so glad I did. The basil flavor came through very nicely, giving the jellies a very complex flavor. The tartness of the jellies combined with the sweet, cold creaminess of the vanilla ice cream I used made for a perfect, perfect summer dessert. I cannot wait to make these again.

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Note: The below was just brought to my attention, explaining almost all of the heartache I’ve been experiencing lately.

Oh f*ck you, Stamos.

Categories
Desserts with Fruit Grown Up People Desserts Scones Stuff Your Parents Would Like

I Made Scones… Please Leaves Me Alones

IMG_1730

The above is a photo from the magnificent Rocky Mountains. My boyfriend and I climbed one of its many peaks, and once I reached the top I made sure to promptly drop both my phone and my inhaler. Luckily my boyfriend is not a hot stack of mess and was able to retrieve both items from mother nature’s grasp. The photo is meant to make you jealous I suppose, but really just makes me crave some alone time atop a peak in Colorado or somewhere similar.

Guys, I have no idea what is happening. I don’t want to be one of those “boo-hoo-people-suck-and-the-world- would-be-better-if-I-toured-with-The Swell Season (as a fledgling pretty poor excuse for a ukulele player, of course)-and-never-had-to-deal-with-anything-or-anyone-else-again” people. But I’m really starting to feel like the crazy is all around me, and not of me, if that makes sense. People are just being so…mean. And I can mayyyybe deal with one tool screwing with my chi, but one’s my limit, and just barely. I don’t like to speak ill of people, and I don’t like for others to speak ill of me. I don’t like being spoken about period, as a matter of fact. Think about it, people I know in real life: even when you ask me about this blog, don’t I act super weird and completely shut down because I have no idea what to say about myself? I’m a strange bird, I know.

The past few weeks have been so jam-packed with random happenings, both great and awful, so much so that I haven’t even really had the time to process all of the great or awful. In fact I kind of feel like maybe the awful is preventing me from processing the great. That’s why I basically forced myself to spend some time in the kitchen alone doing what I love. And with this, a scone is born. Well, eight scones, to be exact.

Pear Chai Scones (makes 8 lumpy, maybe ugly but ridiculously yummy scones)

2 cups of all-purpose flour

1/4 cup of granulated sugar

1 tablespoon of baking powder

1 teaspoon of cinnamon

1 teaspoon of ginger

1/2 teaspoon of ground cloves

1/4 teaspoon of nutmeg

1/4 teaspoon of ground cardamom

Pinch of freshly ground black pepper

1/2 teaspoon of salt

6 tablespoons of cold butter, cut into small pieces

2 large pears, chopped into chunks or small pieces, depending on how chunky you like your scones (me likey chunky scones)

1 large egg

1 teaspoon maple syrup or vanilla extract

1/2 cup of buttermilk

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Preheat your oven to 350ºF.  In a large mixing bowl, whisk together flour, sugar baking powder, spices, pepper and salt. Now, bring in your butter, which should look a little something like this:

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If you can’t see, the 6 tablespoons are basically chopped up into tiny pieces. I chopped this up and refrigerated the butter until I needed it. For the tenderest scones possible, you want cold butter that hasn’t been worked over a ton, so chop and chill, people. Chop and chill (can I get that on a t-shirt actually?).

Cut your cold butter into the flour mixture with your hands or a pastry blender and work just until the mixture begins to look like a coarse meal.

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Gently fold in your pears and set aside.

Now, in a separate bowl, whisk together your egg, maple or vanilla and buttermilk. Gently pour this wet mixture over your pear/flour mixture, and work just until all of the flour has been moistened.

I know. Mess. I know.
I know. Mess. I know.

So yes, there is mess involved. Turn this dough out onto a floured surface, and carefully work into a 1-inch high disk. Please resist the urge to add more flour to this thing– trust, it will only dry your scones out. With a knife dipped in flour, cut eight equally-sized wedges. Transfer scones to a baking sheet, sprinkle tops with additional sugar if desired, and bake f0r 20-25 minutes, until the tops are lightly browned.

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Now I know these things don’t look pretty. But, I feel like scones rarely do look pretty, right? Maybe? Well, whatever. I opted to not top these with additional sugar and was SUPER happy with the result. They’re not overly sweet, but they are tender and crumbly, with the chunks of pear adding a very pleasant texture.

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Ok, I totally took a bite out of the one above, and you can’t even tell, right? That’s how ugly and misshapen these are. But seriously, the second you bite into one, you will not care. And if you do care, well…please don’t tell me. At least not in person. You know how weird I get.

Categories
Desserts with Fruit Easy Baking Fancy Pantsy Grown Up People Desserts Sort of Healthy Stuff Your Parents Would Like

In Which I Discover A Rather Healthful Dessert… And Slather It In Butter.

For all of us. You're welcome.
For all of us. You’re welcome.

Hopefully, by the time you read this, I will be en route to Denver, Colorado, in order to visit some lovely people and bask in the Rocky Mountain air. Hopefully, by the time you read this, I will not be mid-asthma attack, nauseous and angry due to the lack of oxygen in the air and a case altitude sickness. You can always count on me for a healthy dose of optimism cynicism.

Personally, the week was one big bag of failure. I think the ugly cry may have come to visit my abode about seventeen times. I also yelled at exactly five customer service representatives and five customer service supervisors. I seem to be falling apart?

There are, I know, bigger problems. Jesus, this week. 😦

For information on how to help victims of the Boston marathon, please click here!

All of this sadness, all of the chaos can just become too overwhelming. I could go on and on, but this is not my Livejournal,* this is a baking blog.

As you can all see from previous posts, this blog has been a bundle of jiggly lard lately. For this reason, and with the assumption that warm weather will, in fact, eventually debut in NY at some damn point, I have decided to go for a healthier dessert…. aaaand then coat it in butter. Also I chose pears because I had a few that I needed to use before they spoiled and you KNOW I was not able to let them go to waste. Pears cost dollars.

*I never had a Livejournal. I was a Xanga girl. Please do not Google this. I am sparing you, trust.

Sautéed Pears in a Balsamic Reduction With Roasted Pumpkin Seeds (SO FANCY! SO FRESH!)

2 pears of your choice, cored and sliced

2 tablespoons of butter

1 teaspoon of cinnamon

1 teaspoon of brown sugar, more if you like

1/4 cup of balsamic vinegar

1 tablespoon of roasted pumpkin seeds, optional

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Now, in a large lidded saucepan, melt your butter over medium heat. When fully melted, add pears. Try to lay slices with no overlaps, if possible. When the pear slices begin to heat up, add just enough water to barely cover them, and then cover the pan for five minutes.

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Meanwhile, in a small saucepan over medium-low heat, bring balsamic vinegar to a simmer. Swirl the vinegar in the pan for a few minutes, then let it simmer and lightly boil for about ten minutes. Remove from heat when it looks thick and appears to have reduced.

Back to your pears. Using a wooden spoon, carefully flip your slices, which should be lightly browned and softened by now. Sprinkle with cinnamon and brown sugar, then remove from heat, plate, and sprinkle more cinnamon and sugar, if you please (you please, trust me you please). Drizzle with balsamic reduction and add pumpkin seeds.

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Now, you would think, or at least I thought, this would be a disaster. I kind of thought the balsamic would take this thing to a place I would never ever want to visit. Instead, it took this thing to a place I’d like to turn into my summer home, if that makes sense.

No joke, as lame as this sounds, I felt super fancy eating this. Also, if I were a person who ever felt remorse over eating dessert– and I am not this person, but if I were– I would certainly not feel guilty over this delicious, light, sweet treat.

Categories
Chocolate Cheer Fancy Pantsy Grown Up People Desserts No-Bake Recipes

Carrying On A Most Hated Tradition With A Slice Of Fancy Cake And…Uh…A Dream?

So I’m writing this in kind of a grumpy mood. Selfishly, I’m hoping that writing (which I love) about baking (which I also love) will cure my blues. Sorry, world. Please accept my apologies for the emotion that is about to follow. Also, if any of you deem this to be “too real,” I invite you to please scroll down to the pictures and recipe. Those will kind of rock your world.

Now, as for the rest of you, boy are you brave.

Okay, yes, I have been feeling quite down lately. That most hated tradition I mentioned? That would be my now-apparently-annual trip to the emergency room. I obviously haven’t croaked or anything, so I’m fine in that respect. But, this year’s trip meant crying alone in an unfamiliar place while hooked up to an IV, flying high on morphine and asking everyone around me who this Dr. Unna-sing whose name was emblazoned across my ID bracelet was (I later came to find out it said “Dr. Unassigned” which should give you some indication of how rough an experience that really was for me). Fortunately, a follow-up appointment and minor procedure revealed all to be well. If anything, I think the “minor procedure” may have made my boyfriend’s week, as it produced a few mortifying pictures and videos of me lying on an examination table and muttering like a blithering fool due to the amount of anesthesia I’d been given. Life. Life is…life.

All of this is addition to the incredibly long, tortuously drawn-out existential crisis I’ve been having. Perhaps you can help me with the following:

Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my hospital bills? Can you pay my Con Edison bills? (I did decide to customize the lyrics, yes)

When did my life become Mean Girls? Am I the Tina Fey character or the Lindsay Lohan one? Please say I’m the Tina Fey one? 😦

Stamos, dare I bow down to you now? Will that simple act end all of this tragedy?

This is here to reward you for reading all of that. Thank you. Bless you.
This is here to reward you for reading all of that. Thank you. Bless you.

Well, I truly do hope someone swings by to answer at least one of the above questions, because I have a case of the sads, and the only cure is answers. Oh…wait…answers…and cake. Chocolate Mousse Crepe Cake, to be very specific. Set aside a few hours and wear the ugliest smock you own for this thing. It will all be worth the mess (Note: this is the same thing I tell my soul).

Oh, I played around with this recipe a lot, and adapted from here, here and here. Mostly. Kind of. You want to just do this thing?

(Also, a slight warning: the mousse in this cake contains raw egg. The yolk, as you’ll see, does become heated during the cooking process, but the whites do not, which means there is a very slight salmonella risk. Since I am apparently attracted to hospitals these days, I was willing to take the risk.)

Chocolate Mousse Crepe Cake (makes one crazy-looking, 10-layer monstrosity)

For the crepes (makes 10)

1 1/2 cups of milk (I used skim)

3 large eggs

3 tablespoons of water, room temperature

2 tablespoons of canola oil

1 1/2 teaspoons of vanilla extract

1 1/2 cups of flour

1/4 cup of granulated sugar

1/4 cup of cocoa powder

1/8 teaspoon of salt

For the chocolate mousse (makes 4 heaping servings or more than enough to fill this monstrosity)

6 ounces of semisweet chocolate, chopped (I used chocolate chips)

3 tablespoons of butter

3 eggs, separated

1/4 cup plus two tablespoons of granulated sugar

1/2 cup of cold heavy cream

1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract

Let’s roll, friends.

To begin, place all of the ingredients for your crepe batter into a blender and process until completely smooth. Refrigerate batter for at least an hour, and no more than three hours.

While the batter cools and firms up, we can work on our chocolate mousse. For the mousse, place the chopped chocolate and butter in a glass bowl and set it over a pot of simmering water. Stir with a wooden spoon until melted and smooth. Remove the mixture from heat and allow to cool slightly, then stir in egg yolks, one at a time, until fully incorporated, and set aside.

In a separate bowl, beat egg whites using a hand or stand mixer until foamy. Gradually add in 1/4 cup of the sugar and keep beating until stiff peaks form. The peaks should basically be so stiff that you can turn the bowl upside down without worrying about any of the whites spilling out. This takes time. Please don’t do what did and try to show off  by flipping the bowl over too soon. Confidence is always key, over-confidence is foolish and humiliating.

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And now (yep, lotsa bowls, hope you have a dishwasher or love the smell of Dawn dish soap on your dainty hands) in a chilled bowl, whip the heavy cream until it begins to thicken. Add in the remaining 2 tablespoons of sugar and vanilla, and beat until the cream forms soft  peaks.

Gently fold the egg white mixture into the chocolate mixture, then carefully fold this into the whipped cream. Don’t overwork the mixture, as it will start to become heavy and soupy.

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Cover your perfect, light mousse and refrigerate until ready to use.

Let’s now move back to the crepes. I should tell you all that I’ve made regular crepes for breakfast on several Saturday mornings, and have, without fail, screwed up at least the very first couple of crepes. I believe my issue is extreme impatience. I never wait for the pan to get hot enough before pouring the batter in. So, you know, not being me is key.

Now, heat a lightly-greased 8-inch crepe skillet/regular skillet. Then pour two tablespoons of crepe batter into the pan and swirl around until the batter looks paper-thin. When the top looks dry, flip and cook for another 20-30 seconds. Repeat these steps with the remaining batter (greasing the pan again if necessary). Allow to cool completely.

YUM.
YUM.

We’re pretty much almost done here, I swear. Once your crepes have cooled, it’s time to assemble this cake. Lay a crepe down on a cake plate, then spread a healthy amount of mousse over it. Top with another crepe, then top this crepe with more mousse, etc., until you reach the top of the holy mountain of good-God-nessness. You can top this with homemade whipped cream (which I highly recommend) if desired.

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Refrigerate until completely cooled, at least four hours, and preferably overnight.

I know, I know, it’s kind of really ugly-looking right? Well, as you all hopefully know by now, I’m no artist. But let’s talk about what really matters here…how’d it taste.

Sweet mother. It was a day in heaven with a clean bill of health, a thousand happy elephants prancing around on a sandy beach and everything else that you could ever imagine as being part of your best day ever. This thing was worth every minute of every hour I spent working on it.

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