Sad Shibow

I am not a fan of Twinkies anymore. I can’t really explain why, but it might have something to do with the Twinkie defense. Ahhh! Twinkies! Murder! Ahh! Or, it might have something to do with the fact that the cream filling always made me lightheaded. Yes, I said always. My childhood motto was “I’ll try anything fifteen times, even if it makes me sick the first time.” I think I hate tap dancing for the same reason.

My cousin Darren suggested that I make “fancy Twinkies” for the blog. Well,  what’s fancier than red velvet? Probably lots of things, but red velvet cake rules! So, today, it’s all about Red Velvet Twinkies with Cream Cheese Filling.

So, I’m not sure if Red Velvet Twinkies exist. Basically, I combined a red velvet recipe I found with a Youtube video I found for how to make Twinkie molds. I’m a genius! Actually, I’m a person with a lot of time on my hands! Hooray for Sundays! And exclamation points! !!!

Unless you have the actual Twinkie pan from Hostess (yeah, it’s a thing)–which sort of seems useless to me because I’m not obsessed with cylindrical-shaped baked goods– that video will be of use to you. It wasn’t as annoying to make the molds as I thought it would be. All’s you need is a spice bottle, lots of foil and a couple of hands, preferably hands with fingers.

Fold a large piece of foil in half, then in half again, until you’re left with a square that you’ll be able to wrap around your chosen spice bottle. Tuck the sides in until you have what looks like an aluminum canoe:

This recipe left me with a very lucky 13 Twinkies, and I used one 9 x 13″ pan and one 8 x 8″ pan.

By far the messiest and most trying part of this whole experiment was making the red velvet batter and pouring it into each individual mold. My kitchen and Mets (Let’s go Mets!) t-shirt are now splattered with red splotches. Oh man…Twinkie defense… red splotches… ahhh!

Here’s the recipe for the red velvet cake:

1 1/3 cups of all-purpose flour

2 tablespoons of cocoa powder

3/4 teaspoon of baking powder

3/4 teaspoon of baking soda

1/4 teaspoon of salt

1/2 cup of softened butter

3/4 cup of sugar

2 large eggs

1/2 cup of buttermilk*

1 tablespoon of red food coloring

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1/2 teaspoon of vinegar

Preheat your oven to 350°F.

*Ok, many of us do not have buttermilk at our disposal. I usually do, but it’s sort of tough to find. Or, it’s at least easier to find milk, which is something most of have or can run out and purchase fairly quickly. If you don’t have buttermilk, measure out half a cup of milk and add in 1 1/2 teaspoons of vinegar. Let it sit for about five minutes and you’re set.

You’re going to need three bowls for this. In a medium-sized bowl, combine the flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda and salt. In a separate bowl, which should be pretty large and larger than the other two bowls you’re using if possible, whisk together butter and sugar. If you’ve got an electric mixer, it’ll make this step easier. Add in eggs, one at a time. In your third bowl, combine your buttermilk, vanilla, vinegar and food coloring.

Here’s where things get interesting, and really red if you’re one big mess like I am. Pour about a third of the flour mixture into your butter/egg/sugar bowl and mix until just combined. Next, add your food coloring mixture into the same bowl. Alternate, beginning and ending with the flour mixture, until everything is fully mixed. And this is why you should have your butter/sugar stuff in the largest bowl. I did not do this, and this is why my kitchen now looks like a crime scene.

Coat your molds with a non-stick spray, then get pouring. Add about an inch of batter to each mold. It won’t look like a lot, but these will expand and puff out in the oven. Pop them in for 17-22 minutes, until a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Basically, what I’m saying is the toothpick should be the only non-red thing in your kitchen at this point, unless the toothpick was red to begin with, which is sort of weird, no?

In the meantime, let’s get crazy and make our own filling. Now, cream cheese frosting is probably the easiest, and definitely the yummiest, to make from scratch. It takes about five minutes and four ingredients. Five! And four! Numbers are awesome.

Here’s what you need:

1 8-oz. package or tub of cream cheese (I used reduced-fat because it’s all my local grocery had and this came out perfectly)

1/4 cup of softened butter

1 cup of confectioner’s sugar

1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract

In a small bowl (yes, you’ll be washing bowls until next week, but it’s worth it, I promise), cream together your cream cheese and butter, using a mixer if you have one. Add in the vanilla, then pour in sugar in increments, whippin’ it good every few additions. Once it’s fully incorporated, taste the goodness and pat yourself on the back for making frosting. You are a champ.

Back to the red velvet goods. Once cooled, start peeling off the foil and admire.

Time to get filling! There are a few ways to do this. If you are a nerd like I am, you have an icing decorator. Mine looks like this:

It’s super convenient and kind of fun to use, especially if you were into Nerf when you were younger. To get filling, use the tip of the decorator to insert three small holes into the back of each Twinkie. Slowly and carefully fill in each hole with enough of your cream cheese that the Twinkie starts to expand just a bit. If you’re without an icing decorator, use a chopstick or similarly-shaped object to create these little cavities. Then, fill a resealable plastic bag with your frosting, cut off a tiny tip of one corner of the bag, and get in there.

And yes, one of my Twinkies did explode. And yes, it was awesome.