Category: Cakes

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Cakes Desserts with Fruit Fancy Pantsy Grown Up People Desserts Holiday desserts Puddings

Sorry For My Face. It’s Just My Face. Here’s Some Cake. There’s Booze In It.

So it has come to my attention that I have a condition that needs addressing. No, it’s not my asthma, which I’ve had and unfortunately known about since I’ve been able to retain memory, though that’s decided to rear its ugly, suffocating head this weekend as well. It’s an affliction that seems to be incurable, unless I suddenly come into a significant sum of money and develop a desire to make nice with a cosmetic surgeon.

I have Bitchy Resting Face.

Ok, I’m messing with you guys. I totally knew I had BRF. I’m not a complete moron! It has, however, come up more frequently in recent days, which either means that a. I’ve gotten bitchier-looking as I’ve aged, or b. more people have been talking to me and have felt comfortable telling me I’m scary, which is probably impossible if I’m that scary, so it’s probably a. My bad, guys. I’m trying out a new eyeliner?

How I've been nursing the pain
How I’ve been nursing the pain. Oh, also, it’s in the cake. Yeah. #relevance

The brave few in life who have dared approach me fall into the category of My Boyfriend (there’s, uh, one person in that group) and Nice People Who Have Told Me My I Dropped My Cell Phone (there are a LOT of people in this group. The most recent is a dude who informed me of the dropped device, handed it back to me, proceeded to start a conversation with me, then proceeded to promptly end that conversation once he saw what he was dealing with. And I smiled, too!). Sometimes, I even try to make pleasant conversation with other people, and it fails. Yesterday I attempted to joke around with the nurse who was treating me (for the asthma, not my face, though that’s probably kind of an untapped market, no?) and she just… left? Then, whilst picking up my prednisone at Duane Reade, I decided to load up on Halloween Kit-Kats that were still on clearance (32 cents each!) and tried to be all self-deprecating with the pharmacist, who was NOT having it. I mean, you’re not really supposed to mix chocolate and asthma– why did you bestow this illness upon me, Baby Jesus?!– so maybe she was just being judgmental, but still. It’s totally my face.

How do you all deal with these problems, dear readers? It’s very difficult to make friends as an adult, that is a fact. It’s even harder when you’re workin’ with what I’m workin’ with. I’ve decided to try and push through it the healthiest way I know how: drowning my sorrows in booze. And booze-soaked cake. Also it’s almost Thanksgiving, and you all know I like this holiday a little bit, so we’re recipe testing. Also booze. For the soul. Maple Bourbon Banana Pudding Cake, anyone? Try saying THAT while you’re buzzed, amirite?*

Maple Bourbon Banana Pudding Cake 

adapted from Food & Wine

6 tablespoons of unsalted butter

1/4 cup of brown sugar

1 overripe mashed banana

1 large egg

1 cup of milk, room temperature

1 cup of all-purpose flour

1 tablespoon of baking powder

Big pinch of salt

3/4 cup of pure maple syrup

1/4 cup of brown sugar

3 tablespoons of bourbon

1/4 cup chopped pecans, optional

1/4 cup of chocolate chips, optional

Ice cream, for serving, optional, highly recommended though

Preheat your oven to 375ºF.  In the microwave, melt butter in a deep 2-quart baking dish. Stir in sugar and banana until combined, then whisk in egg and milk. In a separate bowl, sift together flour, baking powder and salt, then stir into baking dish until everything is mixed fully.

This is a dangerous mixture, btw. You'll be curious and will want to sip from this. Do not. It is the drink of the Devil.
This is a dangerous mixture, btw. You’ll be curious and will want to sip from this. Do not. It is the drink of the Devil.

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In a microwave-safe cup or in a saucepan (you can do this in the microwave, high power for one minute, or on a stovetop, medium heat until hot), heat maple syrup, 1/4 cup of brown sugar and 1/2 cup of hot water. Add in bourbon, then drizzle over the batter (it will seep to the bottom, and it will be glorious, just you wait). Don’t stir it.  Scatter pecans and chocolate chips on top, if using.

Set the dish on a baking sheet, then bake for at least 40 minutes (mine took closer to 50), until the top is golden. Let it cool for 5 minutes, then serve with ice cream if desired.

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So, my feelings? Um, they’re mostly feelings of drunken happiness. More happiness than drunkenness, but there’s a significant amount of the latter in there, I think because I was sipping bourbon while this was baking. Why, I cannot tell you. Inspiration? Maybe I thought it would go well with asthma meds? That’s totally safe, right?

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I mean, it may not look like much, but this thing packs a punch. It’s basically a cake-y top with a lovely, syrupy, lightly-bourbon-kissed pudding nestled underneath. If you’re trying to stretch your stomach in time for Turkey Day (um, I am) while inspiring your taste buds with fall favorites, this is the pudding cake for you. Oh, also, be over 21. There. A recipe AND a PSA. You’re welcome, America!

*Ya’ll know I’m kidding right? That’s super unhealthy. Pick up a journal, have some tea and have a good cry. Then call me in the morning. It’s better on the phone, you won’t have my bitchface to look at. Oh also I’m a little tipsy from, uh, recipe testing. 

Categories
Cakes Chocolate Cheer Fancy Pantsy

Twenty Eight And Still Miraculously Kicking. And Screaming. And Baking.

Lots of older people shake their heads wistfully, smile and gently say, “Well, it’s all downhill from here!” once I tell them that I’ve just turned twenty eight. I know it’s a joke, but I’ve heard it enough times in the past two weeks to be suspicious. Really, ya’ll? It can’t be that bad. Look at George Clooney! Hell, look at Flavor Flav! Flavor Flav has the best life ever.

Truthfully, there have been some sad times recently– too many sad times, to be honest– but, fortunately, also some very, very happy times. I’ve spent the past month or so struggling to weigh the great stuff against the horrible, and I realized that I have always had a serious negative bias. Are you shocked? That’s shocking, right? I’m trying as hard as I can to get rid of it, or, at least, shrink it to the point where you’re all giving me the shady side-eye and wondering what I’m on.

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One of those great things…

So that’s what I plan to do with this new year: be a little bit more positive. If you know me, you are laughing hysterically, given that I seem to have the unfortunate ability to turn even the greatest news (only when it comes to me, of course) into a complete nightmare. I assure you, I am changing. Slowly, very slowly, but I am trying. Even the negative events of late have put things into perspective, which is very necessary, given my tendency to sweat/cry/shake/cry/cry the small stuff. Here’s what I’ve realized: there isn’t time. There isn’t time to worry about my frizzy hair, or the almond milk I forgot to pick up, or the completely fixable minor work mistake I made. There isn’t time. And yes, I’ll still beat myself up over ridiculous situations from time to time, but now I’m also going to try to take as much time as possible to just be thankful.

First thing I’m thankful for? The invention of cake. Specifically, Chocolate Peanut Butter Cake. Yeeee-up.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Cake (makes one 3 layer 8-inch cake)

Adapted from Smitten Kitchen

For the cake

2 cups of all-purpose flour

2 cups of sugar

3/4 cup of unsweetened cocoa powder

2 teaspoons of baking soda

1 teaspoon of salt

1 cup of vegetable or canola oil

1 cup of sour cream

1 1/2 cups of water

2 tablespoons of white vinegar

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract or coffee liquer (I used the latter…awesome)

2 large eggs

For the peanut butter frosting

10 ounces of cream cheese or Neufchatel cheese, softened

2 tablespoons of butter

3 cups of powdered sugar

2/3 cup of smooth peanut butter

For the peanut butter chocolate glaze

8 ounces of semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped

3 tablespoons of smooth peanut butter

2 tablespoons of light corn syrup

1/2 cup of heavy cream

So, as you can see from the above, this cake is a little bit of work. But, as you can also see… it’s a chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting AND freaking peanut butter chocolate ganache. So, you know, worth the couple of hours of fun.

To start, preheat your oven to 350ºF and butter and flour (confession: I use cocoa powder instead of flour because I’m wild like that) three eight-inch round cake pans. You can also line the bottoms with parchment paper, but since I didn’t have any I was able to get away with a generous buttering/powder dusting. Set aside.

In a large bowl, sift together flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking soda and salt until totally combined. Stir in sour cream and vegetable oil and whisk until fully mixed. Stir in water, then blend in vinegar and vanilla. Lastly, beat in your two eggs until completely mixed in and batter is formed. Yes folks, one bowl. Be still my lazy heart. Divide batter among your pans and bake for 30 to 35 minutes, until a cake tester comes out with just a few stray crumbs on it. Let cool in pans for 15-20 minutes, then invert onto cake racks. I’m going to second Deb from Smitten Kitchen in saying that these cakes are very, very soft. If you plan on frosting them (and don’t think twice about it, you plan on frosting them), it’s a good idea to wrap these cakes tightly in plastic wrap and freeze them for at least half an hour. It will firm them up and make them much easier to work with.

To make your frosting, beat cream cheese and butter together in a large bowl, with a hand mixer or stand mixer on high speed, until fluffy. Add powdered sugar, one cup at a time, scraping the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula from time to time. Beat until completely combined, 2 to 3 minutes, then add in peanut butter and mix until smooth.

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To frost, unwrap a cake layer and place on a cake stand/paper plate (I’m poor, guys). Top with a generous amount of frosting, then place another layer on top and repeat. Top with third layer, then frost top and sides. It’s easiest to frost the sides by doing a light “crumb coating,” where a thin layer of frosting is spread along the sides and top of the cake as a base. Then you can continue with more frosting layered on top of this base.

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Lastly, we’re going to work on our chocolate peanut butter ganache. In a double boiler or in a bowl set over a pot of simmering water, combine your chocolate, peanut butter and corn syrup. Heat while stirring often, until the mixture is smooth.

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Remove from heat, then whisk in heavy cream. Beat until smooth, then pour evenly over cake, like so:

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Make sure to cover the entire top of the cake, then basically just wait for the goodness to drip down the sides. You can smooth the top with a rubber spatula, if you’d like, but I chose to keep things pretty rustic, because, um, I’m rustic and this was my birthday cake?

Refrigerate the cake, uncovered, until the ganache is firm.

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Ohhhhh. Yeah.

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So this cake was terrible. I mean it obviously was, right? After all of that work, and those weird ingredients no one ever puts together, how could this have been anything but a disaster?
Guys, I’ve eaten my weight in this cake. I should be embarrassed. “Should be” are the key words there, folks. Everyone who has had a piece of this cake has expressed nothing but wonder. It certainly rivals last year’s S’mores Cake and WILL be making repeat appearances in my life.

(One more for good measure)
(One more for good measure)

 

Categories
Cakes Desserts with Fruit

Mork, Mindy and Me (And Cake)

Have you all seen this Inside the Actors’ Studio? I remember watching it when it premiered, and thinking MAN this guy is fast. It was the first episode of the show to be two hours long, and it was so long because James Lipton refused to cut Robin Williams’ FIVE HOUR long interview any more than that. Also, an audience member had to be taken away in an ambulance after the show due to a hernia from laughing so hard. I can see why.

I LOVED Robin Williams. I’d mentioned on Facebook that I was sick a lot as a child, and in the hospitals at night I’d watch Mork and Mindy on Nick at Nite. It was one of the only things I could stand. I was four, it was my first taste of Robin Williams, and even then I was in awe. Don’t even get me started on Aladdin, or Good Will Hunting. Good God, I am crying as I type this.

Depression is an ugly beast. I’ve gotten strange looks, I’ve gotten passive-aggressive comments, I’ve gotten laughs and jeers and everything but empathy for things I have published on this blog about the very matter of depression. I’ve had people tell me to dial down the talk about anxiety and depression, because THIS IS A BAKING BLOG AND THE BACKGROUND’S PINK AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE READ THIS. Mind you, the majority of the comments and feedback I receive are positive and understanding, but the ones that are not are really not. And they come from people whom, I suspect, have been fortunate enough to have never experienced the anguish and paralysis that comes with being utterly, frighteningly sad. I cannot and will not compare whatever I’ve experienced with what Robin Williams did; truly, none of us will ever be able to fully appreciate his pain, nor will we ever be able to make sense of his decision to take his own life. That is a deeply personal, scary, and very final decision.

(The above is probably NSFW/children)

People have asked me why I write about being sad so often. I hope it doesn’t seem like the only thing I write about, but it is an important part of who I am. It’s also a part of myself I had no interest in sharing with anyone for a very long time, out of shame and fear. I am thankful to not feel the need to venture to the depths that Robin Williams did, but I sympathize, and I do understand where that pain could take a person. It’s heartbreaking, and it’s even more upsetting to know that so many people think of depression and mental illness not as diseases, but as fundamental personal weaknesses that need to be stamped out and silenced. Depression is chronic, it is forever, it does not discriminate, and it begs to be understood. This is a terrible reason to have the spotlight shone on the issue of mental wellness, but if there is any good to come of the loss of Robin Williams, perhaps it’s that we can continue the conversation, erase the stigma, and come to truly understand one another.

*If you or someone you know is experiencing depression, suicidal thoughts, or simply need to speak with someone in a time of distress, call the Lifeline at 1-800 273 TALK.

With that, I know this is also a baking blog, and I did indeed bake something that I’d like to share with all of you. I won’t and can’t even attempt a lame segue. But you should absolutely set aside some time to make this cake, if you’d like.

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Lemon Cornmeal Cake (makes one 9-inch round cake)

adapted from Epicurious

1 1/2 cups of all-purpose flour

1/3 cup of yellow cornmeal

3/4 cup of white sugar

3 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1 cup of buttermilk or almond milk (I used almond since I ran out of buttermilk and it was amazing)

2 large eggs

1 tablespoon of lemon zest, from about one large lemon

3/4 teaspoon of vanilla

1/2 cup of butter, melted and cooled

Blueberries for heart-shaped corny corn factor, if desired

(If you’ve clicked on the link, you’ll note that I did not included the glaze or blueberry sauce, mostly because I thought this would work better as a breakfast/brunch treat and didn’t want it to be too heavy or sweet.)

Preheat your oven to 350ºF and grease the bottom and sides of a 9-inch round cake pan; line the bottom with parchment paper. In a large bowl, whisk together flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder and salt. In a smaller bowl, mix together milk, eggs, lemon zest and vanilla. Now, gently fold milk mixture into flour mixture, gently working until batter is created.

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Pour batter into pan and spread evenly (add blueberries if you like). I also sprinkled a bit of brown sugar on top just for fun… because that’s my idea of fun.

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Bake for about 30 minutes, until a cake tester inserted into the middle of the cake comes out with just a few crumbs.

The blueberries nestled in quite happily.
The blueberries nestled in quite happily.

Let cake cool for 10 minutes, then run a knife around the sides and invert onto a cake plate. Let cool completely. AND THEN DIG IN, BECAUSE THIS BUSINESS IS GREAT.

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So, I wasn’t able to get a picture of the full cake on a plate because a good chunk of it mysteriously disappeared while I went for a stroll…

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And then the next day when I checked on its progress, I found the above.

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(I also found the culprit.)

Also, reposting this at the bottom in case it got lost above: *If you or someone you know is experiencing depression, suicidal thoughts, or simply need to speak with someone in a time of distress, call the Lifeline at 1-800 273 TALK.

Categories
Cakes Chocolate Cheer Fancy Pantsy

Sad Shibow’s Checkered Recent Past (Mostly The Cake Is Checkered)

So, here I am, back from going dark yet again. I can’t really explain the hermit life I’ve been living lately, except by saying the passage of time has me depressed yet again.

I’ve realized that certain people just don’t believe I’m living my life the “right” way unless I’m living it their way. I’ve realized that no one is going to do anything for me, look out for me, care about me, any more than I’ll ever care about myself. That’s not a “wah, wah no one gives a hoot” I’m expressing. It’s just a realization that nothing will happen to change or improve my life unless I make it happen.

This is poutine. You're going to hear the word poutine a lot in this post, so I might as well show you what it is in all its glory.
This is poutine. You’re going to hear the word poutine a lot in this post, so I might as well show you what it is in all its glory.

With that in mind… I dropped everything and hightailed it to Montreal. It’s a city that I’ve always wanted to visit for its culture/poutine, and I was starting to get to a point in my life where I just couldn’t justify not going. There will always be money issues, or time issues, or future issues, or “I bleeping hate driving on the thruway” issues. Might as well just try to have a little bit of fun in the midst of all of that garbage. Also, I’m, like, awesome and bought my boyfriend tickets to see one of his favorite hip-hop acts as a belated birthday present while we were up there. (But mostly… POUTINE!)

Morning walks along St. Laurent River. I know. Bananas.
Morning walks along the St. Laurent River. I know. Bananas.

Now that I’m back from a rather relaxing, albeit far too short, vacay, I thought it was time to get back into the swing of things by sharing with you all a dessert I have always wanted to make: the checkerboard cake! I had an excuse in boyfriend’s aforementioned recent birthday, so I completely ignored his request for a –*gasp* —Duncan Hines cake and got all selfish up in this popsicle stand.

Checkerboard Cake (makes one 3-layer, 8-inch round cake)

from Good Housekeeping: Great Baking

For the cake

2 1/4 cups cake flour (or 2 cups + 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour)

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon of salt

3/4 cup plus 1 tablespoon of milk

1 1/2 teaspoons of vanilla extract

1 1/2 cups of sugar

3/4 cup of butter, softened

3 large eggs

3 ounces of semisweet chocolate, melted and slightly cooled

For the frosting

1/3 cup of butter, softened

3 ounces of semisweet baking chocolate, melted and slightly cooled

3 cups of powdered sugar

2 teaspoons of vanilla

3 to 4 tablespoons of milk (have more on hand, just in case)

Preheat your oven to 350ºF. Grease three 8-inch round cake pans, then line the bottoms of each with parchment paper. Grease and lightly dust the parchment with cocoa powder.

In a medium bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, and salt. In a separate cup, mix together 3/4 cup of milk and vanilla. In a separate large bowl, beat together butter and sugar on low speed using a hand or stand mixer, until mixture is blended together. Continue to beat, increasing speed to high, until mixture looks smooth and creamy. Reduce speed back down to medium, and add eggs one at a time, beating after each addition. Next, reduce the speed back down to the lowest setting, and alternate between adding in the flour mixture and the milk mixture, beginning and ending with the flour. Beat together just until smooth.

Transfer half of the batter to a separate bowl. Stir melted chocolate into one half of the batter until completely distributed. And there you have it. TWO batters!

Now, at this point, some recipes will advise you to just bake a vanilla cake in one pan, and a chocolate cake in another. Then, you’d cut out blocks of each cake and basically Lego this thing together to give it the checkered effect. I personally think that’s a wack way of doing things. That’s like licking your building blocks and hoping they stick together. Not that I ever did this. (Probably I did this.)

Anyway, take a chance! Trust yourself! I say this mostly because the method I used worked, which shocked me, since almost nothing I touch ever works the first time (true story: I bought my first smartphone a few years ago, had it set up by people smarter than I am, and it immediately stopped working once I touched it. I returned it to the store, and the tech there said he’d never seen anything like it. There is a similar story involving an Easy Bake Oven and my childhood, but it’s too painful to talk about that failure). So let’s get to this!

This is what you should do:

One pan that looks like this.
One pan that looks like this.
Two pans that look like this.
Two pans that look like this.

 

And in word form: place vanilla batter in one pastry bag (or plastic Ziploc bag with a 1/2 inch corner snipped off), and chocolate batter in another. Alternate between rings of chocolate and vanilla batter, moving slowly and trying to keep the rings uniform (you can see how I did on that front). Try to make the bands of batter about 1 1/2 inches thick.  Make sure to have one pan with an opposing pattern: so, if you started with chocolate on the outside of your rings in two pans, start with vanilla on the third.

Lightly tap the bottom of each pan against a counter to remove as many air bubbles as you can. Place pans in the oven, staggered on two racks, making sure one pan is not directly above another. Bake for 20 minutes, or until a cake tester/toothpick comes out clean. Let cool in pans for 10 minutes, then remove from pans and let cool completely on wire racks.

While the cakes are cooling, work on your frosting: using a hand or stand mixer on medium speed, mix together everything but your milk. Once smooth, slowly add in milk, a little at a time, until you reach the consistency you desire. You may need a little more than 4 tablespoons (I needed about five). Lay one of the two identical cakes on a flat surface and generously frost. Top this layer with an opposing layer, and frost again. Top with final layer and GO CRAZY.

I went way cray cray with the osting-fray.
I went way cray cray with the osting-fray.

So I was pretty disappointed with myself when I baked this, just because I was trying to get it to look perfect, since it was for my love’s birthday and since I’ve been extra hard on myself and mean to myself lately. And once I saw how my rings of batter (“battered rings” sounds vaguely violent, no?) looked more like somewhat circular globs of batter in a sort-of discernible pattern, I kind of figured this was going to just be a disaster that I would have to season lightly with my salty tears and deem a “marble cake,” as if that’s what it was supposed to be all along.

Well…

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WHAT?!

It… it worked.

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How in the hell did it work?! Beats me. But it did. I think I may have eaten more of this cake than the birthday boy did. No, wait. We probably had the same amount of cake, but I definitely sliced more pieces off (thus causing us both to have wayyyy too much cake), mostly in awe that IT WORKED!

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And, not only did it look super cool, it tasted AMAZING. As you can probably tell from the ingredient list, it’s an incredibly buttery creation, which pretty much means it’s bound to be so freaking good.

 

Categories
Cakes Strange and Yummy

Sad Shibow And The Controversial Confection (I Guess?). Also, we’re A HUNDRED!

Maybe it’s only controversial if you’re my mom, who’s like, wayyyy Catholic and isn’t totally sold yet on my “Go Jesus! It’s Your Birthday!” Christmas t-shirt. Otherwise, this is probably just Sunday for a lot of you, but Sunday with oddly colorful hard-boiled eggs and a disgusting amount of rabbit-shaped chocolate… and maybe a Mass or two (or what feels like three) thrown in there, if you’re into it. Who did Lent this year? Which one of you champs gave up meat? So how much bacon are you sucking on as you read this right now, you dirty being, you? Don’t fret, I don’t blame you. I gave up zero things and I am still currently happily munching away on a “special occasion” (read: uh… Sunday) homemade bacon-and-cheddar waffle taco. No shame = that game.

So yeah, for those of us who celebrate: Happy Easter! And Happy Passover to those who celebrate it. And Happy Record Store Day, which was yesterday, for those of us who make a special point to celebrate that (this year I scored a Nas album!).

lent-sin-party-celebrate-easter-ecards-someecards

Ok, so I know I said I’d be posting once a week, and I actually thought I’d be getting away with straight up just ignoring my own challenge, until a friend of mine scolded me for not following through. Thanks, you, for noticing. I swear it was not a cry for attention. I basically either got really super sick or really super hit with allergies, and I didn’t really want to be making cough sandwiches for the blog, feel me? I’m still a little under the weather, but I could wait no more, because:

1. THIS IS SAD SHIBOW’S 100TH POST!!!!!!!! WHAAAAAAAT?! How the hell did that even happen? I cannot believe my electricity bill isn’t higher, given how much I have abused my oven in the name of this blog. Cheers to us, guys!

2. It’s Easter, which is a pretty decent dessert holiday around these parts. Given that this is a special post, though, (did I mention that I’ve written here A HUNDRED TIMES?) I thought I’d do something pretty wacky this time around.

3. I’m a little pissy. I feel like some people tend to use special occasions to just be total, hypocritical rats. Like, oh, let’s celebrate (choose any one here) the: birth of Jesus/fight of our forefathers/death and then rise from the dead and then rise into the sky of Jesus/Record Store Day by just being total losers. Let’s hurt people! Punish them for nonsense reasons! Let’s just be everything that’s the total opposite of good, and let’s use our belief systems to justify being that way!

I couldn’t hold any of that in any longer. Whew. Ho-kay. So, I’ve been trying to experiment more outside of my baking comfort zone, and finally came around to the idea of using modeling chocolate in my desserts. Most of the reason I’d never wanted to use it before is I am a HORRIFIC artist, which you’ll see below in pictures. My Play-Doh projects basically all looked like variations on the same amoeba. I never truly developed as an artist, and I’ve accepted that I probably never truly will. Still, I thought it would be fun to try, especially given how easy modeling chocolate is to make. Also, unlike fondant, which is very delicate and difficult to manipulate, modeling chocolate is incredibly flexible and easy to work with, as it doesn’t dry out and can be worked and reworked to your heart’s desire. It also tastes like chocolate, because it is chocolate! Huzzah! Lastly, I decided to use a butter cake because originally I was planning to shape this cake into something that resembled something vaguely holiday-related, and butter cake is one of the sturdier types of cake there is. Once I was done with the modeling chocolate portion, though, I decided to just sort of cut my losses and move on to bigger and better things in life. Let’s just get to work on this thing.

Jesus Hatched From a T-Rex Egg That The Easter Bunny Delivered To Easter Island Butter Cake (makes one 8-inch round WTF SHIBOW layer cake)

For the modeling chocolate

Note: this is the most helpful video you will find on the subject. 

1 pound of white chocolate chips, melted and cooled slightly

1/2 cup of light corn syrup

Various food colorings, if you desire

For the butter cake

Adapted from Betty Crocker Cookbook

2 1/4 cups of all-purpose flour

1 1/2 cups granulated sugar

3 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder

1 teaspoon of salt

1/2 cup of butter, softened

1 1/4 cups of milk

1 teaspoon of vanilla

3 eggs, beaten

For the Vanilla Frosting

3 cups of powdered sugar

1/3 cup of butter, softened

1 1/2 teaspoons of vanilla

2 to 3 tablespoons of milk

(If you’d like to make this cocoa frosting, add in 3 tablespoons of cocoa powder)

Let’s start with our modeling chocolate.

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Basically, pour the corn syrup into your bowl of melted white chocolate, then fold the syrup into the chocolate with a rubber spatula, mixing it fully. You’ll want every bit of chocolate to have been touched by the syrup. Keep folding until the mixture forms a ball and pulls away from the bowl– it should be really tough to mix at this point.

Immediately wrap modeling chocolate tightly in saran wrap, then let sit overnight at room temperature. When ready to use, unwrap the chocolate, pull apart pieces, and then knead to workable consistency.

This is a face. It will eventually become the face of Jesus. I'm just trying to show you what "workable consistency" means. Sorry for creeping you out.
This is a face. It will eventually become the face of Jesus. I’m just trying to show you what “workable consistency” means. Sorry for creeping you out.

To dye your modeling chocolate, make sure to use gel food coloring. Squeeze a couple of droplets onto your desired piece, then knead the chocolate to spread the color around. I’ve also found that rolling the chocolate in cocoa powder works very well to turn it brown, in case you happen to be making a brown-haired religious icon for your dessert, too. If you’re worried about the mixture becoming too slick and sticky in your hands, set it down for a few minutes to return it to room temperature.

I know what you're going to say: Shibow, you're being modest. You're an amazing artist. Well, my boyfriend made this one. So now you know why I took so few pictures of this process.
I know what you’re going to say: Shibow, you’re being modest. You’re an amazing artist. Well, my boyfriend made this guy. So now you know why I took so few pictures of this process.

If you’d like, you can create your various shapes, then place them on a plate and refrigerate to harden while you work on your cake. The cake’s actually pretty easy– just dump all of the ingredients in a large bowl and beat together with an electric mixer on high, stopping often to scrape the bowl with a spatula. Preheat your oven to 350ºF, and spread the batter between two 9-inch pans or three 8-inch pans that have been buttered and lightly floured.

If using 9-inch pans, bake the cakes or 25 to 30 minutes. If using 8-inch pans, bake for 30 to 35 minutes. I’m a dingaling, so I baked this in a springform pan and had to bake it for WAY longer. Don’t be me. Cool the rounds for 10 minutes in the pan, then remove and cool on racks completely for an hour.

While the cakes cool, work on your frosting. Beat the butter and sugar together on low speed until blended. Slowly add in milk, one tablespoon at a time, until frosting reaches desired consistency. Refrigerate until ready to use.

Note: If you plan on cutting these cakes into crazy shapes, wrap them tightly and completely in plastic wrap and freeze them. This will make it easier to eventually cut into them without worrying about them crumbling before your eyes. As I mentioned, my dingaling-ness prevented me from being that bold. I kept my cake as round as I could. Maybe next time, kids.

Ok, so, I guess the best way to explain this cake is by showing it to you, and then breaking down the various components. Don’t laugh. I never claimed to be a master baker (damn it! I said DON’T LAUGH! Ok, I guess I walked into that one), so this is going to seem pretty ridiculously bad to a lot of you.

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Um… yeah. So… here it is. We dyed parts of Jesus, the egg he…uh…hatched from, the bunny’s eyes and nose, and the whole damn T-Rex. Oh, also, everyone who’s about to compliment me on the awesome T-Rex: boyfriend made that one too. One of us studied at the School of Visual Arts, and the other of us is me.

Maybe it’s better to see these in close-up. Whew. Here goes.

This is Jesus. Someone mistook him for "Holy Super Mario," which I'll accept.
This is Jesus. Someone mistook him for “Holy Super Mario,” which I’ll accept.
Easter Island Dudes. One is legit, the other is a poser.
Easter Island Dudes. One is legit, the other is a poser.
This is the T-Rex. He is my absolute favorite.
This is the T-Rex. He is my absolute favorite.
This is the Easter Bunny. I wanted him to look joyful. I can see that he looks more like "My presence is present enough, kiss my cottontail."
This is the Easter Bunny. I wanted him to look joyful. I can see that he looks more like “My presence is present enough, kiss my cottontail.”

 

So yeah. That’s pretty much the whole shebang right there. I can tell you, though, that while this cake may LOOK like a hot mess, it TASTES like a hell yes. I get that that’s weird to say about a Jesus cake, but the butter cake is what’s up. Seriously, this cake tastes so good that it might prevent my mom from seeing what’s on top of it. Maybe? Who knows. If not, it’s been a good run kids. Thanks for sticking with me for a century of posts! Wait…