Category: No-Bake Recipes

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Classic Favorites No-Bake Recipes Uncategorized

Triflin’ Away The Sad Winter Days. Like, With An Actual Trifle.

HOOOOO BOY am I exhausted.

I realize this is a champagne problem, but I am so damn bored with life. The perpetually gray skies, the bitter cold, the same too-loud conductor on the same too-loud F train, the same mind-numbingly awful sounds of Kenny G coming from some mysterious black hole in my office that, try as I might, I cannot seem to find or drown out with the soothing sounds of ANYTHING ELSE. I just can’t anymore.

I keep telling myself that I’m going to try to do something different and out of character every day. Some of you may remember “I Dare You Shibow,” a [very insane] blog post on a long-gone but beloved online magazine that a friend of mine ran, in which I basically dared people to dare me to do things that I’d eventually completely punk out on. I think the one dare I actually accepted required me to drink tequila nonstop for an entire day. That little experiment found me clumsily exiting my apartment, wandering into a  massive dollar store, and then suddenly finding myself smack in the middle of in said dollar store’s weirdly GIGANTIC porn section. After that day, I just pretty much straightened up, got a job, and never drank tequila again.*

*Almost all of this sentence has been exaggerated. Surprisingly, exactly none of the sentence about the dollar store has been embellished at all.

So I guess that was my long-winded way of telling you all to please not dare me to do anything creepy or crazy or dangerous or alcohol-related (mostly because I’ll probably just accept a booze-related challenge). Instead, I’d love some suggestions on how to not feel so…blah.

I’m sure the never-ending winter is a huge contributor to my blues, which is why I’ve started trying to psych myself out with spring-like desserts. Enter the trifle: an easy, delicious confection that, if done correctly, can look like the most delicious cross-section of the earth’s core that could possible exist. Basically, it’s a dessert that consists of even layers of every dessert thing you love so much. This time around, I took it easy and went with a simple lemon curd trifle, but just. you. wait. for what I’m planning.

Lemon Curd & Coconut Trifle (makes one pint)

For the lemon curd layer

1/3 cup + two tablespoons of sugar

1 tablespoon of lemon zest

Juice of 1 lemon

1 tablespoon of cold butter, cut into pieces

1 egg, beaten

For the whipped cream layer

1/2 cup of heavy cream

3 tablespoons of sugar, more if you like your whipped cream sweeter

1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract

Plus, 1/4 cup of toasted coconut (spread shredded coconut in a thin layer on a baking sheet; toast in a 350ºF oven for five minutes, stirring from time to time, until lightly browned)

Let’s start with the curd. In a medium-sized saucepan, whisk together sugar, lemon zest and lemon juice. Stir in your butter and egg, and place over medium heat. Stir the mixture frequently until it thickens and coats the back of a spoon.

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Immediately pour curd into an airtight container and refrigerate until cool.

For the whipped cream, pour heavy cream and sugar into a clean bowl. With mixer on high, beat cream until peaks begin to form. Add vanilla and whip until completely mixed in. Refrigerate until it’s time to build this thing.

And now…to build this thing. Guys, it’s really kind of difficult to master layering curd and cream in a pint jar. Basically, that means that I didn’t even come close to mastering it. The idea is to layer cream on top of curd, starting with your lemon curd at the bottom of the jar. In between each layer, I sprinkled toasted coconut, then topped it all off with a very, very healthy dollop of whipped cream and even more coconut.

 

My boyfriend specifically requested that the Moscow Mule mug I got him for Christmas be prominently displayed in this picture, Also...homemade pizza!
My boyfriend specifically requested that the Moscow Mule mug I got him for Christmas be featured in this picture. Also…homemade pizza!

 

So, after about a minute of trying to gracefully dip into this thing with our spoons, my boyfriend and I mutually decided to screw being dainty and mixed this monster right up. The verdict? DUDES, it’s like the best cake filling ever. It’s like the kind of cake filling you ditch the cake part for. SO. WORTH. EVERYTHING.

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Someone start a Tumblr for “Desserts that Look Like the Lead Singer of Flock of Seagulls”

 

Categories
Cakes Chocolate Cheer Classic Favorites Easy Baking Fancy Pantsy No-Bake Recipes

Double The Desserts. Double The Apologies. Double The Pain! Wait…No

I totally woke up yesterday feeling all sorts of blog-related guilt. Guys… what’s my dealio? I abandon this thing that I love, that I’ve come to enjoy doing because… because I’ve been lazy? What gives? Well,  I supposed I’ve been writing-lazy and life-preoccupied. Does that make sense? I hope it does.

What I’m trying to say is I’m sorry I’ve let this blog lay dormant for so long.  I feel like I’m making it sound as if I’m apologizing to myself in a public forum, which seems like a twisted, self-serving public flogging. Aren’t you glad you’re joining me for this?

Props to my boyfriend for this.
Props to my boyfriend for this.

Anyway, I am mad at myself for not writing nearly as much as I have in the past, which is why I’ve decided to throw myself a mini-challenge: For the next two months, I’m going to publish a new post every week, by, at the very latest, that Wednesday. I hope you’ll all either a. keep me accountable by scolding me heavily if I fail to make good on this promise or b. at least not, like, tell me I suck and should never write anything again if I do come through (oh and I do plan to come through, good sirs and madams).

Hell, this might even be the time to have all of you hear my to-do list for the first half of this year. Maybe ya’ll can keep me from lazing out on those too:

1. Go to at least one Prince concert in my life, and preferably in my life this summer

2. Go to Montreal at least once in my life, and preferably in my life this summer

3. OMG OMG OMG you guys Prince is playing a jazz festival. In Montreal. This summer. This maybe shouldn’t be numbered, but is, because…

4. Take more risks in my writing (e.g., numbering things that shouldn’t necessarily be numbered. SCANDALOUS!)

5. Spend less time around bright, flashy screens and more time with other things that haven’t almost completely ruined my eyes, like books and chocolate

6. Cut out sugar

7. Check to see if anyone was paying attention to #6 and hope you are all laughing with me over how ludicrous a resolution that is

8. RETIRE MY SNOW BOOTS FOR A LONG, LONG TIME

Yeah. That last one has hit me, and a lot of us I imagine, pretty hard. I’ve finally accepted that I have a mean case of seasonal affective disorder that nothing short of sunshine, 80-degree weather and giant bowls of ice cream (shut it, that one’s totally necessary) can cure. I think maybe that’s part of what’s been keeping me from updating this blog, or doing anything productive, really. I…hate things right now. Yup, that sounds articulate and sensible. Let’s move on to our DOUBLE DOSE OF DESSERT, shall we?

Indeed I did decide to share two sweet treats in one post, mostly because of the aforementioned guilt over my lack of posting. Let’s get to it, friends!

So dessert #1 was supposed to be one of those ooh-la-la Valentine’s day desserts that would accompany a fancy-schmancy homemade dinner, but V-day’s kinda dumb and also was on a Friday night after a long, lame week, and both of us were dead tired. So instead of presenting it as a romantic dessert, I’m presenting it as portion-controlled chocolate cakes (that you can have two of if you aren’t down with sharing).

Chocolate Lava Cake For Two (makes…uh, two)

adapted from Eva Bakes

1/4 cup of semi-sweet dark chocolate chips

2 tablespoons of softened butter

1/2 cup of confectioner’s sugar

1 egg plus 1 egg yolk, beaten

3 tablespoons of all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon of vanilla

Strawberry ice cream, or NOTHING (or another flavor of ice cream, or berries, or whipped cream. But probably strawberry ice cream)

Preheat your oven to 400ºF and butter two 6-ounce ramekins. In a medium heat-safe bowl over a pot of simmering water, melt chocolate with butter, stirring until chocolate is completely melted (you can also do this in a microwave in 30-second increments, stirring after each session).

Stir in confectioner’s sugar, then beat in eggs and flour, whisking until the batter is smooth.

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Stir in vanilla, then divide batter between your ramekins. Place ramekins on a baking sheet, and send into the oven for 9 to 11 minutes. Make sure to watch these, as they’re done before you think they’re done– the center will still look gooey and jiggly, two very important, official baking terms. Let cool in ramekins for five minutes, then invert onto plates for serving.

Top with strawberry ice cream. I make room for no other option because there should be no other option. Strawberry. Ice. Cream.

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So, if I’m being honest, I didn’t love the way these cakes looked, which is completely on me, for using ramekins that were way too wide, making these look like overdone veggie burgers. However, once we cut into these and liquid chocolate came oozing out, I was SOLD. I didn’t even have time to get a picture of the inside because of how completely freaking sold I was.

Now, for our second dessert of the post (how lucky are YOU), we’re working on something easy, fun and oven-free. Hooray!

So, apparently for people who are not Indian people, popcorn balls are a classic sweet treat. This is what my boyfriend, who is not Indian people, tells me, at least. Can anyone chime in on this? Is it like me saying that halwah and papadam should be staples in every American household?

Anyway, I decided to surprise him by trying my hand at this “classic treat” because I am generous and also can never turn down the opportunity to combine three most excellent ingredients: butter, sugar, and popcorn. Let’s get “classic!”

Popcorn Balls (makes 6 baseball-sized balls)

adapted from CHOW

9 cups of plain popped popcorn, seeds removed, unless you hate having teeth

1 cup of turbinado sugar (you can use regular white sugar, but I love the deep flavor this imparts)

1/3 cup of light corn syrup

1/3 cup of water

1 teaspoon of white vinegar

1/2 stick (4 tablespoons) of salted butter, cut into pieces

1/2 teaspoon of vanilla

Grease a large glass bowl, and place popcorn in it. Set aside.

Large glass bowl. Popcorn. Creative captioning.
Large glass bowl. Popcorn. Creative captioning. World’s Finest Chocolate wrapper because I am nostalgic. Jar of peanut butter for me to snack on whilst “working.”

In a medium-sized saucepan, combine sugar, corn syrup, water and vinegar; stir to combine. Place pan over high heat, and cook– stirring constantly– until sugar is dissolved. Bring mixture to a boil and cook until it registers at 260ºF on a candy thermometer (if you don’t have one, don’t fret, just cook the mixture for 5 to 7 minutes). Remove from heat, then stir in butter and vanilla. 

Quickly pour hot sugar mixture over popcorn, using a rubber spatula to spread the mixture evenly over the popcorn. Stir until the mixture is just cool enough to handle with bare hands, about three minutes. Seriously, these are good, but not burn-your-palms good. I don’t know what would be burn-your-palms good. I have some ideas, though. None are suitable for this blog.

With oiled hands, grab a chunk of popcorn and mash together, compressing popcorn into a ball. Let balls cool completely on parchment paper. *Giggle*

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Ok…these were good. If they really are a classic treat, I can totally understand why. They’re buttery, salty/sweet, and somehow miraculously melt almost as soon as a bite hits your tongue. This dessert’s been a repeat offender in our home, half because my boyfriend is sentimental and half because we’re sugar fiends. I actually think it’s probably 78% because we’re sugar fiends, but it’s six popcorn balls in one hand and a half-dozen in the other. Or something. See you next week!

Categories
Desserts with Fruit Easy Baking Fancy Pantsy Grown Up People Desserts No-Bake Recipes Sort of Healthy Strange and Yummy Stuff Your Parents Would Like

Bad Things Happen In Threes. Lemonade Jellies Happen In Ramekins. I Happen…To Be Freaking Out.

Last weekend I was strolling along the Hudson River with my boyfriend when the skies opened up and dumped a monsoon on us. Fortunately, there was a random tent nearby that we and a bunch of other drenched pedestrians discovered at precisely the right moment. The rain lasted about ten minutes, and then this happened.

rainbow

That, I thought, was a signal that all would be fine.

Instead, it ended up being a semicircular, multicolored middle finger directed squarely at me.

I’m not sure how comfortable I am talking about the exact three bad things that have happened. There may be even more than three, but typing them all out might result in me freaking out even more than I already have in the past, oh, six weeks or so. Yep. Six weeks of on-and-off nonsense.

This past week has been one of the most trying I’ve experienced in about seven years. I’ve had to deal with disturbed individuals whom I’ve never met contacting me through this blog, using something that’s very dear to me to basically, well, harass. You all know how well I deal with scary fools coming after me. It’s not cool. Plus, I am a boring person. Trust. I am also sort of broke, really quiet and pretty reserved until I am hungry or SUUUUPER pissed off. There is really nothing to be gained from randomly lobbing the crazy this way. So, if you’re reading this with the sole purpose of, I don’t know, being mean or causing trouble, this way to the egress.

Sylvapotamus has left the country for the week, leaving me stranded and lost and even sadder than I would be had she not left. Somebody help! Tell me a joke. A good one. Or a bad one, I don’t care. Just give me something to work with, people! I’ll give you a delicious, healthy, addictive dessert in return!

Basil Lemonade Jellies (makes six 1/2 cup servings)

adapted from Serious Eats

3/4 cup of freshly-squeezed lemon juice (about 4 to 5 large lemons)

1/2 cup of sugar

1 1/2 cups of basil leaves, loosely packed

1/2 cup of no-pulp orange juice

3 teaspoons of powdered gelatin

Fresh whipped cream or ice cream to serve, optional

6 small basil leaves for garnish, optional

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In a medium-sized saucepan, stir together lemon juice, 1 1/2 cups of water, and sugar over medium heat until the mixture reaches a boil. Stir until the sugar completely dissolves.

Tear basil leaves roughly and place in a small glass or metal bowl. Pour lemon juice mixture over basil leaves and let steep for at least 15 minutes.

Pour orange juice in a small saucepan and sprinkle gelatin over the top. Let sit for five minutes, then place pan over medium heat, stirring until gelatin is dissolved. Remove from heat.

Strain the basil out of the lemon juice mixture and stir juice into the gelatin-OJ mixture. Pour into six small ramekins or a 1-quart dish. Refrigerate until softly set, at least two hours, then serve, either with ice cream or whipped cream. I recommend ice cream. Or nothing. Or just not even thinking about it and going to town on these.

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So I cut the sugar down from what the original recipe called for, and I am so glad I did. The basil flavor came through very nicely, giving the jellies a very complex flavor. The tartness of the jellies combined with the sweet, cold creaminess of the vanilla ice cream I used made for a perfect, perfect summer dessert. I cannot wait to make these again.

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Note: The below was just brought to my attention, explaining almost all of the heartache I’ve been experiencing lately.

Oh f*ck you, Stamos.

Categories
Easy Baking Frozen Desserts Ice Cream No-Bake Recipes

Smile Like You Mean It. Preferably A La Mode.

YOU GUYS. I just discovered this crazy amazing band. They are known as The Killers. They are stupendous!

I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I’m not that out of touch. Relax, cool kids. But, I have become re-obsessed with these guys for reasons unknown, though I’m not complaining. They really are amazing. On a side note, does anyone have a bajillion dollars kicking around that you’d like to use to buy me tickets to see them live? Just kidding. Not really. No…no I’m not really kidding.

Anyway, originally I was going to post “When You Were Young” to go along with this post, but that song and video are both hella depressing (and hella fantastic), and I figured you were all as sick of me and my complaining by this point as I was. This song’s probably pretty sad, too, but I’m a little bit too tired and a little bit too focused on trying to stay positive to notice. So…you know…smile like you mean it and whatnot.

Really though. I have posts and posts worth of crap to complain over. I have more stuff to complain about than I do stuff to bake. But, then, so do we all, right? I’m starting to think that maybe the only way to turn it all around is to turn it all around myself. And to maybe laugh at random moments as well. Like, really random. It scares the beejeebus out of people, and that makes me happy.

Something else that makes me happy is ice cream. Ice cream makes me so #%$(@-ing happy (I curse a lot, especially when I am happy). In my last post, I mentioned a trip to Vermont. On said trip, my boyfriend and I encountered something called a Creemee. This, supposedly, is just a regional term for soft serve, though I kind of think that’s bunk since this is the stuff dreams are made of. I tell you, I have never had a frozen treat so rich and decadent and, well, creamy. Since our return to NYC, Boyfriend has not failed to mention it at least once a week, nostalgically reminiscing on the Creemee as if it were a long, lost friend whom he misses terribly. In fact, he is, as I type this, on his way to Vermont for another one. Okay, okay, he’s going for other reasons too, but he kind of made it seem like he had one goal, and one goal only, in mind. To be fair, I asked him to bring me back one, as well. This will obviously not work for several reasons, the primary reason being that he’ll eat mine, too. No matter. I’ve figured out how to almost fully replicate them all on my own! Without an ice cream maker, because I am boogie-down broke! MUAHAHA!

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Maple Creemee (makes a little less than a quart)

adapted from Tribeca Mommy

Inside of a quart-sized zipped plastic bag:

1 cup heavy cream

3/4 cup of milk (I used 1% because that’s all I ever have)

1/4 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1/3 cup of pure maple syrup (Grade A or B…B’s darker and stronger, which I heart)

Inside a gallon-sized bag:

1/2 pound of coarse salt

2 1/2 pounds of ice

Also, you’ll need a spotter and/or excellent upper-body strength. Hey, you gotta work for your Creemee around these parts.

This is super easy by the way, aside from all the exercise. Place all ingredients except salt and ice in your smaller bag, zip very very tightly (unless you want salty ice cream, gracias no) and shake around a bit. Then, carefully place half of your ice and salt in the gallon bag, carefully lay quart-sized bag on top, and cover with more ice, leaving enough room to comfortably zip the gallon bag, and zip it.

I call this "Han Solo In Carbonite." Wait...
I call this “Han Solo In Carbonite.” Wait…

Here’s where the spotter/stretching comes in. Wrap a small towel around the bag and shake for ten minutes. Some of you are laughing at me for making a big deal of shaking a bag of ice for ten minutes. You people are buggin’. This is, like, not easy.

You can stop once your mixture is thick and custard-like.

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Obviously you can’t see from the above, but, uhhh…that’s where we stopped.

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Now, this may not look pretty at all. Maybe it looks a little like white gazpacho, or hummus. Actually, it really does, doesn’t it? Well, it’s a creemee, I promise. And it’s all kinds of wonderful. Really. So wonderful, in fact, that my boyfriend secretly made two more batches of this stuff while I was away. Fortunately, he shared, but still. Two. Within days of this first batch. It’s that amazingly good. Also, if you have children, you can totally employ them encourage them to help you shake shake shake this stuff up. I am often, mentally, five years old and I really enjoyed making this. That should tell you everything.

Categories
Chocolate Cheer No-Bake Recipes

What The Fudge Is Everyone’s Problem? Also, Fudge.

You GUYS. I am SO MAD! I’m not even kidding. I’m so… mad.

I wish I were kidding or talking about something kind of insignificant. Okay, yes, I am a bit disappointed in the latest season of Arrested Development. All the random cameos–especially of the people from Outsourced… brown peeps, don’t even play like you weren’t as happy as I was to see those guys–did kind of lessen the blow, but wow, it kind of isn’t that great, right? All jokes and television programs aside, though, I’m finding myself really disappointed in the level of toxicity around me.

BUT SHIBOW. YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK. YOUR WHOLE HOOD MUST BE LIKE THAT DIRTBAG FROM THE PEANUTS CARTOONS.

I made the joke for you. You’re all welcome. Har har.

enhanced-buzz-14845-1370020601-25
Inserted to break up the tension. It’s getting too serious, ya’ll, I know.

Sorry. I realize I sound pretty snippy and irritable. Those are two things that I presently am, though, and it ain’t because of the strange smells coming from the return of the New York City summer. It’s mostly because I’ve found myself in contact with some really foul moods lately, and I’m not a fan. I’m not interested in fighting or yelling or throwing fits or treating people badly, and I cannot comprehend it when others are. Seriously, I think in the last week I’ve had to deal with each of those things at least twice. Why treat someone poorly over nothing when you have no idea what the object of your wrath/annoyance/twisted amusement is possibly coping with? I’ll just never understand it.

There are a couple of things that kept me going this week. One was a pair of elephant shorts that my boyfriend randomly gifted to me earlier in the week. If you don’t know me, maybe this sounds small to you. If you do know me, you know why I lost my mind after having received them. He had to convince me not to wear them three days in a row. I love this man (Editor’s note: My friend Afshan brought to my attention that many readers may not know to what I am referring, and may think I mean elephant-shaped shorts. Her exact words were that she “pictured mc hammer pants with a frontal private cover.” These are the shorts I am speaking of. That’s my bad.)

Also, last weekend I kind of went on a baking rampage and churned out like seven different amazing goods, from rosemary rum cocktails to well, fudge. It sort of healed me in a weird way. And now I hope it heals you :).

Lavender Chocolate Fudge (makes 64 tiny blocks of goodness), adapted from the Betty Crocker Cookbook

3 1/2 cups of sugar

1 1/3 cups of milk (I used 1%)

1/4 cup of light corn syrup

1/4 teaspoon of salt

4 ounces of unsweeted baking chocolate, chopped, or 2/3 cup of cocoa powder (I used cocoa)

1 1/2 teaspoons of dried lavender (skip this if you want the classic stuff)

1/4 cup of butter, cut into small pieces

2 teaspoons of vanilla

Grease the bottoms and sides of an 8-inch square baking pan with butter and set aside, and have a candy thermometer ready as well.

In a large saucepan over medium heat, combine sugar, milk, corn syrup, salt and cocoa, stirring constantly, until the sugar has dissolved and the cocoa as liquefied.

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Stir in your lavender, if using, and cook until your thermometer reaches 234°F.

Keep watch over this thing; after the mixture reaches boiling, the temperature will increase rapidly. If you don’t have a thermometer, keep cooking until a small amount of the mixture forms a soft ball when dropped into a bowl of cold water. I’ve used this trick. This trick is what’s up.

Good trick courtesy of the internets: Lay a wooden spoon over a pot of boiling stuff to keep it from spilling over.
Good trick courtesy of the internets: Lay a wooden spoon over a pot of boiling goodness to keep it from spilling over.

Remove mixture from heat and stir in your butter. Cool to 120ºF, without stirring, which should take about an hour. Add vanilla, then beat the mixture vigorously with a wooden spoon– no stopping, so have a trusted adult nearby just in case– for 5 to 10 minutes or until the fudge is thick and doesn’t have a sheen to it. This took me about 6 minutes.

Spread evenly in pan and let stand until firm, about 1 hour.

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Cut into 1-inch squares once cooled, and store in airtight containers (if you can bring yourself to step away from these babies).

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So, it’s a little hard to cut these without getting little bits of fudge popping out all over the place. I found that eating those little pieces helps quite a bit, though. Food for thought…and for your belly.

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Unbelievable. Insane. Insane. Since I’d also made marshmallows when I made these, we decided to try s’mores made with this fudge instead of a chocolate bar. Holy…holy holy. I can’t even tell you. I just can’t. I can still, one week later, taste that miracle in my mouth. Just… do this.