Categories
Chocolate Cheer Cookies Easy Baking

I Hope You’ve Got Your Dancing Shoes…Because I Might Need Lessons :(

That’s not true. I inherited Almond Joycha‘s badass moves. But I have a confession. I already confessed to myself because I’m a Reverend now so I can hear confessions and stuff*, but I figured I’d share with all of you as well because I am generous. For this recipe, I made myself a baking playlist that consists of a bunch of fun dance-y songs by artists like TV on the Radio, Rihanna, Phoenix, and Britney. So I was dancing to “Break the Ice” while I was stirring the batter for today’s recipe when I tripped on nothing and set in motion a complicated series of crashes and crumbles that resulted in a broken shot glass and a counter completely covered in flour. I’m pretty sure I am going to live alone forever.

The days have been getting better. There hasn’t been a single raindrop in the vicinity since my last post (though I hear that’s changing…grrrrr), I’ve been going to a few very cool shows (and am heading to a TVOTR show this Thursday omgI’msoexcitedddd!) and am generally just trying to chill. That last one has been especially difficult given that my asthma has been essentially choking me out for the past couple of weeks, but all I can say is sucks to my ass-mar! If you know where that phrase is from without using the internets, I’ll give you some cookies. No joke. I’ll even mail them to you if we’re not close. But I’ll totally know if you cheated.

Anyway, I was sitting around with nothing to do, pretty dazed and lazed from a crazy weekend when my cousin Rhea texted to say she’d be rolling in with the cousins to hang out for a bit. I immediately went to work, because there is no way the fam is coming over to a baked goods-less house. I broke out this book, which I just call the Book of Love now. Sorry man, but I do. I flipped through for a quick, easy, sorta fancy cookie recipe and found just what I was looking for: Truffle Dough Cookies. Sounds classy, huh?

What they're supposed to turn out looking like according to the Book of Love (nope, never gonna stop calling it that). Stay tuned til the end of this post for results! I know you're excited.

Truffle Dough Cookies

1/4 cup plus 4 teaspoons of superfine sugar (I’ll explain)

1/3 cup plus 2 tablespoons of all-purpose flour

3 tablespoons of cocoa powder

2 tablespoons of butter, chopped

1 egg

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

Powdered sugar for fancy dusting

Maybe you all know what superfine sugar is, because you’re smarter than I am. You’re probably smarter than I am, but just in case, let me tell you what I just found out: superfine sugar is not, in fact, the same as powdered sugar. Superfine sugar, also known as caster sugar, is basically sugar that’s 10x as fine as granulated sugar. Powdered sugar is, like, 1000x times finer than granulated. That’s quite a difference. And yes I did learn that the hard way, but my cookies still came out ok. They’ll just turn out better than ok if you actually follow directions. If you can’t find caster sugar, you can pulse the regular granulated stuff in a food processor for about a minute to achieve the same effect. I’m a loser so I don’t have a food processor, but I’ve got a birthday coming up and I’m hoping someone takes pity on my plight. I also really need a spatula. And a hug. Two hugs. Maybe just the hugs would suffice.

Anyway, in a large bowl using a hand mixer or food processor if you’ve got one, combine the sugar, flour, cocoa powder and butter, and mix/pulse until the mixture is crumbly and grainy. I decided to make these cookies right after cleaning my counters and kitchen floors, which is why I really hope you’ve got an enclosed food processor and/or are far more coordinated than I am. Then mix in the egg and vanilla until you’ve got a fudgey concoction, and throw this into the fridge to cool for about a half hour.

Now, preheat the oven to 350°F. Take out the batter and form into walnut-sized balls. Roll the balls in powdered sugar and lay them on a cookie sheet. The recipe said I’d end up with 20 cookies, but one of us was wrong and I’m fairly certain it wasn’t me.  Anyway, throw these into the oven for about 10-12 minutes (mine needed 12), then let them cool for about another ten. Once cooled, if yours don’t flatten, you can give them a tiny nudge, but if you somehow just don’t know you’re own strength, I’d skip this step.

My version!

So the cousins seemed to enjoy them, though I’m sure they’d enjoy them more if I learned what caster sugar was before making them and if I had a food processor and if…

Ah, whatevs. They enjoyed what they got, I’m just sayin’… if you can avoid the misstep I made, avoid it. They really did seem to like these cookies, which I’d show you photographic evidence of, but none of them wanted to take a picture with me. I’m pretty sure they’re ashamed of me. 😦

I did manage to snap a picture of Rhea’s little brother Jacob enjoying a bunch of them though. Enjoy the cuteness below.

*I like to call this “taking certain liberties with my writing.” I am not serious so please don’t confess things to me because if you killed someone and tell me I will freak out and cry forever.

Categories
Bars Classic Favorites Easy Baking

When Life Gives You Hurricanes, Make Lemon Bars

My life has not been simple lately. My dessert needs to be.

Ok so that was hella dramatic, I know. But, homeslices, let me tell you a story. Last week I was in the Bahamas, where a devil-woman-witchface hurricane named Irene decided to piss all over my vacation. Then, she chased me back to my hood and pissed all over my weekend. She might as well have been called Hurricane Stamos. My weekend was supposed to be awesome. Instead, it was spent trying to block out the scent of too-vanilla-scented vanilla-scented candles because I was the last loser to get to Target to purchase a “hurricane stash” and landed all the gross stuff. I ended up with a bad case of cabin fever and a temporary fascination with the movie National Treasure. Have you seen that thing? It’s really bad. I’m very fortunate to have a working phone and computer, which afforded me contact with the outside world, because I’m pretty sure I would have done something stupid like give myself a haircut if I had no one to keep me talking.

Super Sad Shibow

Luckily, everyone I know is safe and sound and pretty much just as delirious as I am. As soon as I was able to, I ran to the grocery store to buy more essentials that had been depleted during Hurricane Nothing (I’d gone into a cabin fever cookie-making frenzy so I needed to re-stock important items like butter, sugar, eggs, chocolate chips, more butter and more chocolate…you know).

Since I was in a sour mood, I thought I’d make something lemon-y. Ha ha, I’m hilario. Lemon bars are also easy and full of butter and sugar, which I obviously needed after an ALL-INCLUSIVE TRIP where I was pretty much forced to eat and drink as much as humanely possible in order to pass the time. See? My life’s difficult.

Lemon Bars

Crust

1/2 cup of butter, softened

1 1/3 cups of all-purpose flour

1/4 cup of granulated sugar

Lemon Filling

2 eggs

3/4 cup of granulated sugar

2 tablespoons of all-purpose flour

1/4 teaspoon of baking powder

3 1/2 tablespoons of lemon juice

2 teaspoons of lemon zest (optional)

Preheat the oven to 350°F. In a large bowl, combine the butter, flour and sugar for the crust. You can use a fork or your hands if you’re into feeling things, man. Work into a crumbly mixture, then press this evenly into an 8×8 square pan. Toss into the oven for 20 minutes. You’ll probably be annoyed at this point because when you take it out the crust will [should] still be white and look totally underbaked. You’ll think Irene took your oven when she took your pride and sanity from you. But fear not, it’s supposed to look like that.

Crust, complete with dozens of my frustrated thumbprints

While the crust bakes, prep the filling. Toss your two eggs, sugar, flour, baking powder and lemon juice into a blender and puree until smooth. Super easy, right? When the crust comes out, pour this over it, maybe give the pan a gentle shake to evenly distribute, and send back into the oven for another 20 minutes. When they’re done, you can sprinkle a little powdered sugar over the top if you’re feeling fancy. Let them cool, then cut into squares (I came out with 16).

These hit the spot for me. The crust-to-filling ratio might not please everyone, since there’s only slightly more filling, but I think ya’ll need to calm down and trust the crust. That was pretty terrible. Anyway, they’re good. Kid sister agrees.

On her 4th or 5th bar.

By the way, the next time there’s a massive and apocalyptic hurricane, I am having a party. All are welcome. Admission fee is a cookie.

Categories
Classic Favorites Cookies Sort of Healthy

I Am Sad Shibow. And I Blame Stamos.

And I thought last week sucked.

The past few days have been particularly rough on me. I got super-dissed by a certain someone whom I thought was a solid individual, I am stressing about my future, and I randomly cried the other day because I couldn’t find 51st street. I work in Midtown! How out of it must I have been?! Then I saw this on television, and it all came together:

STAMOS! This man, has, at various points in my short life, conspired with nature and my other enemies (I have many, but I count David Blaine and the cobra from the Bronx Zoo among them) to mess with me. I know you think I’m joking, but I am not. I distinctly remember being an eight year old nursing a broken wrist and watching Uncle Jesse smugly breeze through episode after episode of Full House. He and his perfectly functional arms and ridiculous mullet and creepy half-smile were constantly mocking me. I had one of the worst fevers I’ve ever had in 2006 (I only remember this because that was a BAD year) and recall being curled up on my couch mindlessly staring at STAMOS on an episode of ER. Guess what? That was a 24-hour bug! Really! I also remember weeping over a sad breakup last year to an episode of Glee. I don’t watch that thing anymore, and I bet you all know why. That girl who damaged my back and psyche? She’s probably related to him. The Stamos giveth, so the Stamos must goeth away.

At first I thought that maybe I would bake something with ingredients Stamos is allergic to, so I researched his IMDB page (No, I am not linking to it.). I found out he is a fellow drummer, so I am thinking he is trying to kill me off since I am competition. Then I realized that I was giving him too much power by doing all this research and decided to just make whatever I felt like making. I felt like making cookies. And I felt like making them up based on what I happened to have at my disposal, mostly because bad things happen when you go outside.

I have a bunch of those instant oatmeal packets that I bought last year for a dollar when I was really jobless and really poor. This brand is way too sweet for me, so I abandoned the whole box in favor of other cheap breakfast foods. I don’t believe in throwing out perfectly edible items, but I do believe in making cookies out of them. So I made up a recipe.

Week From Hell Instant Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies

3/4 cup of butter, softened (I used Smart Balance for baking because it’s all I had. You can make fun of me later)

1/2 cup of brown sugar

1/2 cup of granulated sugar (I used turbinado sugar because I’m classy like that)

1 egg white

1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1/2 teaspoon of baking soda

1 cup of whole wheat flour

big pinch of salt

3 instant oatmeal packets that you know you have lying in a cabinet somewhere (I used 2 apples & cinnamon and 1 cinnamon spice )

1/2 cup of dark chocolate chips, more if you’re feeling crazy

Preheat the oven (whoa!) to 350°F.

So yeah, as you can see from the ingredients, I tried to make these kind of healthy. They’re delicious though, I promise. In a large bowl, combine butter, sugar and vanilla until mixed. Beat in the egg white, then add the baking soda, flour and salt until fully combined. Stir in each packet of oatmeal and get mixing. Fold in the chocolate chips and you’ve got your batter.

Drop tablespoon-sized portions onto a cookie sheet, and throw them into the oven for 11-13 minutes. 11 minutes exactly worked for me. Let them cool and then dig in. Mine were yummy, obviously. I had a couple as part of my balanced breakfast (I mean, there is oatmeal in them). They really perked me up until I found out that Mark-Paul Gosselaar was getting married to some chick who isn’t me. Yet another dark day.

Are you guys getting tired of my hand yet?

By the way, on Thursday I wiped out on a New York City sidewalk (thanks for stifling laughs while not helping me up, fellow pedestrians), and now my ankle really hurts. I shake my fist at you, Stamos! You’ll never break me.

Categories
Chocolate Cheer Classic Favorites Easy Baking No-Bake Recipes

I Married People! That Was Awesome. The Rest of the Week Was Not Awesome.

Grab your hankies, kids. It’s about to get serious up in here. I’d mentioned in an earlier post that I would be officiating two weddings as part of a Pop-Up Chapel. Welp, that day has come and gone. So how’d it go?

It’ll remain with me forever as one of the best days I have ever had. Really. The sun was out in full-force, Dave Holmes was MC-ing, and there were 24 lovely couples lookin’ to get hitched. Does it get any better? Well, maybe. I didn’t really sleep the night before, so I suppose the day would have been better if my sister didn’t have to deal with me making nonsensical observations about denim or randomly bursting into crazed fits of laughter. I somehow managed to pull myself together in time for both ceremonies, though.

I look like I'm sleeping standing up, right? I probably needed to.

If you want to read a bit on the day, you can click here and here. Yes, that is my mug in both, and no, I did not know that I would be featured. NY1 apparently aired two segments that I happened to be in (I officiated the first wedding) several times an hour on Saturday. I am so glad I didn’t know there would be that many news outlets at the wedding, because if I had, I think I would have stuttered and stumbled myself into one hot minister mess.  But man, did I love my couples! Both were adorable and incredibly loving with one another. Being the individual responsible for joining two people forever made me see marriage in a way I hadn’t really before. Who knows if it’s for me or not (sorry My Parents, but really, who knows), but now I think I  get why people do it. Rock on, marrieds! You’ve made me a believer. You’ve also apparently made me a hippie, judging by the philosopicals I now be droppin’.

So, while that Saturday was absolutely lovely, the rest of my week was not, for many reasons. I don’t really think on my feet, and the past few days brought me several back-to-back, rug’s-been-pulled-and-now-you’re-kind-of-screwed moments, which I’m assuming have contributed to my still feeling exhausted and dazed more than a week after the weddings. Sleepy Shibow = Cranky, Lazy, Sad Shibow. I needed sweets, I needed ’em quickly, and I needed ’em easy. So I made a cake in my microwave. And it took less time to make it than it’s taking to write about it.

Yes, you can make a cake in your microwave, and if you’re oven-phobic for the summer like I am, you should make a cake in your microwave. You probably already know about this if you had an Easy Bake Oven in the ’90s, but hopefully you’re a grown up now with a big girl appliance. Let’s be real though– this cake will serve a party of one, so all the better if you’re riding solo. Screw the calming cup of tea and have yourself a heaping mug of cake.

Microwave Chocolate Cake

1/4 cup of all purpose flour

3 tablespoons of sugar

2 tablespoons of cocoa powder

3 tablespoons of milk

1 egg

3 tablespoons of vegetable oil

The tiniest drop of vanilla extract

The tiniest pinch of cayenne pepper, if you like a kick to your cake

Easy as pie. Except it's cake. Whatever.

So, are you ready to make this sucker? Sure? It’ll take everything in you. Actually, it will take one free hand. Whisk together all of the above ingredients in a large mug. If I were you, I’d go in order, mixing all the dry ingredients first and then adding in the wet ones. And make sure the egg’s fully incorporated unless you’d like chocolate scrambled egg cake. That’d be new…and nasty.

Throw it into your microwave for two minutes or until it starts to puff up. The end. Oh, eat. Then the end.

I did stand in front of the microwave for the full two minutes, and I know my microwave window needs cleaning. I am bad.

So it’s a chewy cake, FYI. Remember how I mentioned Easy Bake Ovens? Well, that’s the sort of cake you’ll be dealing with, so if you’re into light and fluffy, this will not be your cup o’ cake. But if you’re cool with dense and rich and need your chocolate fix now, this will do pretty freaking well in a pinch. Next time I’ll probably add some chocolate chips for extra gooeyness. For now, I’m going to have a seat, a mug of cake and a good cry beer.

Here comes the choco-plane... I know that's not funny. 😦
Categories
Chocolate Cheer Fancy Pantsy

I’m Using Pretzels. They Represent My Twisted Emotions.


I'm in a glass case of emotion!

This is me this week, guys. Minus the mustache, fortunately. I mentioned a couple of posts ago that Julie, a beloved coworker of mine, would be leaving the office for snowier pastures. Well, the time has come. I can’t tell you how sad I am. I’m so sad that I cried big Indian baby tears (Indian tears are bigger and hotter than normal tears) at the staff meeting during which she revealed she’d be leaving. Yes, she reads and often comments on the blog, which is greatly appreciated. But it isn’t just about that.

Rare is the coworker who can make you feel “at home” at a place of work on your second day. At least, that’s rare for me, because I am usually mute and terrified for my first week of any job.  She is one of the people I can credit for helping me to really come to enjoy and love this place, and one of the people I can thank profusely for helping me get through some dramarama not too long ago. I can’t really imagine this place without her. For these and many more reasons, the woman deserved a baked good.

I decided to go with something chocolate and pretzel-related because she once brought in a bag of Trader Joe’s chocolate covered pretzels and we all went to town on them. I also decided to pick the most complicated dessert ever because I’ve been lazing on the sweets-making lately and, well, if anybody deserves a treat that requires a couple of days of effort, it’s Jules. Finally, I didn’t realize it would be complicated when I committed to it. That last sentence is pretty much the story of my life, though. Sigh.

I went with the Milk Chocolate Pretzel Tart with Pretzel Crust provided by the fancy corner of the internets, Food & Wine. Because it is fancy, it requires lots of time, so reserve a couple of days for prep, chilling, baking, taste-testing, cleaning and pondering your existence. Also, you have to stick your pinky out as much as possible to keep things classy. Your guests will know if you didn’t do this. Here’s what you’ll need:

Milk Chocolate Pretzel Tart with Pretzel Crust

Crust

1/2 cup of butter, softened

1 1/4 cups of coarsely chopped pretzels (leave a few kind of intact, just because it will liven up the crust a bit)

3/4 cup of confectioner’s sugar

1/2 cup of all-purpose flour

1 large egg

2 ounces of melted bittersweet chocolate (Wait to melt this until I tell you to. I’m not being bossy, I’m saving your life!)

Filling

1 1/2 cups of heavy cream

3/4 pound of milk chocolate, chopped (about 12 ounces, so I used a bag of Ghirardelli milk chocolate chips)

Crushed pretzels for garnish, and also creme fraiche if you want to go above and beyond with this

The stars of this dish.

You’ll also need a 10-inch tart pan with a removable bottom, but make sure it’s not too removable. As in, make sure you won’t have to deal with any chocolate leakage at the conclusion of your baking adventure. Want to know how I know this? I think you know how I know this.

First, let’s work on the crust. Even though this is fancy, your clothes while baking this need not be. In fact, please wear the rattiest duds you’ve got, because you will get messy. In a large bowl, with an electric hand mixer on low speed, slowly mix together the butter, sugar and 3/4 cup of the pretzels until creamy. It won’t be completely smooth, but you do want it to look like fluff with a few pretzels thrown into the mix. When you’re here, mix in the flour and the egg, then add in the remaining pretzels. Roll out the dough between two pieces of wax paper, flattening it as much as possible without having any spill out through the sides (why yes, this did happen to me). Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes, until completely chilled.

Take the dough out, flatten it to about 12 inches or so, then roll it out over your tart pan. Press the dough into the pan, patching any holes and removing any extra pieces hanging over the sides. Refrigerate for another half hour. Told you this would take some time. I hope you’re watching a Law & Order marathon or something to keep you occupied.

Now, preheat the oven to 350°F. When the dough’s out, line it with parchment paper and fill it with pie weights. If you don’t have pie weights, you can use uncooked rice, pasta, dried beans or ramekins. You might be asking me why you need pie weights at all. Well, homies, pie weights are meant to allow for crusts to literally be “weighed down,” so that during the initial “blind bake,” the crust doesn’t bubble up and develop air pockets. That’d just be weird, and so not classy. After half an hour, pull out the crust, remove the weights and parchment, and send the crust back into the oven for ten more minutes. It’ll look a little something like this:

Let the crust cool for about 10 minutes. While that’s cooling you can go ahead and melt down the bittersweet chocolate. Brush it over the crust and up the sides. I do not play when it comes to pretzels and chocolate, people.

While this is cooling, make the filling. In a small saucepan, bring the heavy cream to a simmer. Remove the pan from heat, stir in your milk chocolate, and continue to stir until the mixture’s melted down completely. Set aside to cool to room temperature. Or, you could send it into the fridge for about 20 minutes if you are pressed for time. I had to somehow wake up for a job the next morning, so I was pressed for time.

Pour the cooled mixture into the cooled crust. Then, BEWARE. Like, really, beware. If your tart pan was as, um, delicate as mine, you will have chocolate oozing out of the bottom, creating a sticky (albeit delicious) mess. Don’t worry, your entire mixture will not get sucked out through the very bottom. In fact, once I was completely finished, the tart looked perfectly level. But I did have to worry about chocolate-y counters and floors, so I am just warning the rest of ya’ll. Have some tin foil or something ready beneath your pan. Send it into your fridge to set for at least four hours. I’d recommend an overnight trip, though. When the filling’s set, break some pretzels over the top for garnish.

So, this seems like a lot of work, right? Well, it is. But if you love to bake, it is fun work. I swear. I would not lie to you. I am a terrible liar, and have been told by three different people this week that I should never play poker. Maybe I should just show you instead:

The in yo' face shot.

In addition to being fun to make, it is and was SO worth the effort. I brought this to work and had completely forgotten that we only have those baby plastic knives, which made this nearly impossible to cut. So instead, a few of us classy ladies dug in with our hands. Yum.

Jules, you’ll be missed more than I can tell you in a wee little blog. Who will want my pregnant unicorn drawings now?